The Snows of Winter build

Ah, the afterglow of another winter storm. About half a foot fell here last night on top if the foot we already had. The weatherman says anther storm is due in on New Years Day. For my part I love the deepening storm. However, most of my friends think I am crazy, especially Bubba.

Despite the fact that I am still waiting for money, I have made some progress on getting my business started. I've been down at the Kommissars Lounge building a gaming table. I'm having a great time, and it feels awesome to me to do something useful. But, I hate stopping and retarting the project several times because I have no money to buy needed supplies. It'll happen though, I just have to be patient.

Did I ever mention that Tess is a nut. I'll explain more later.

Peace

I love the peace and solitude that the snow brings. Especially as we are nestled in our warm house. All is quiet now and I sit and enjoy the tranquility that can only comes when nature is having her way. It is these times that I yearn for the most. Life is good.

The snow started falling at just after midnight last night. Already we have well over a foot of powder. The weatherman says the storm is supposed to continue all this week. Who knows how much will eventually fall. But, I take joy and great comfort in saying that I am ready for it, bring on more.

Happy Feast Day of St. Nickolas

If your confused about the title of this entry please see the previous post.

I am amazed and in awe at how Christmas always seems to come together for us despite the fact that we didn't spend a dime. All of our money this month went to paying bills. I mean literally we did not spend any money. It is a testament to the mercy of our Creator that we had a tree and one of the largest piles of gifts I have ever seen. I am very happy that my children can enjoy this celebration. I just hope they are thankful.

Tonight we feast with friends and family. We have a spiral-cut maple ham and enough food to choke a lion. Bubba is coming over along with Geary and his Dad. Also, Emmerick made the trip over and plans to make an appearance today. It is the fellowship of family and friends that is the true joy and gift of Christmas.

I just wish my sister and niece were here.

The Eve of the Feast

Merry Christmas everyone. We are busy today cleaning the house in preparation for visitors. Not the least of which will be a visit tonight by our beloved St. Nickolas. Everything is prepared for another glorious nativity. Though I shouldn't call it that because we celebrate the birth of the Christ in January.

Yesterday I took a trip into Oregon to see my Dad. It was wonderful to see the old homestead. My Dad proudly displays pictures of all his kids, including images depicting various stages of my childhood. It was interesting to see photos of my sisters when they were young, they look so much like my girls. Anyway, I worry about my Dad right now because he is facing surgery on his back. He fears getting cut on as much as I do and facing mortality really makes him sensitive about our relationship. I've been trying to get him to focus on plans after his surgery, and I think it helps him.

I found out that an old childhood friend of mine committed suicide last September. He was going through a separation from his girlfriend and couldn't handle the grief. May God have mercy on his soul. I played with him as a kid because his Dad worked on the railroad with my Dad. He was a good person and it is shameful that is fate was as such. I will pray for him.

Bubba called me a foamer the other day for having a nostaligic opinion about trains. He said that he pretty much hates the railroad and thinks of it only as work. He said a foamer is a person ho stands by the tracks and watches the trains go by. He is gonna regret bestowing such a title upon me. The gloves are off.

Lastly, the collectors edition of "Return of the King" was absolutely fabulous. The Mouth of Sauron was blood curdling. It reaffirms my opinion that the "Fellowship of the Ring" was the best series of movies ever done.

Blast from the Past

Well, I have taken the first step in the process of starting my own business. Last night I spoke to an acquaintance of mine who basically stole my idea and launched a game store here in town. He rented one of the old buildings downtown and did a marvelous job in refurbishing it. I guess his wife is an interior decorator and she did her magic on the interior. I am very impressed!!

Anyway, he offered to allow me to set up, promote and sell GW stuff in the store. He is a rabid player of the game, but he doesn't want the hassle of dealing with the company and their draconian sales tactics. So, I'm stepping up and handling the whole thing. He is a great guy and I think it'll be a pleasure working with him. So, the vast load of starting our business has been shouldered by him and we'll definitely be able to launch something in January and February... A Blessings in disguise.

In a related story, while I was hanging out at the game store playing 40K against Geary I noticed a familier face. She was staring at me from across the room, but I couldn't quite place her at first. Then, it donned on me that it was Momoka. I have not laid eyes on her lovely face in over ten years!! Without saying a word we gave each other a hug, and I must admit that I got a bit misty. The embrace of and old friendship is one of the finest joys in this life. I got to met her husband, who seems like a great guy, which makes me very happy because she deserves a good man. I hope that I will get a chance to see her more often.

A sad season

Well, school is over and I am bored. I cannot stand periods in my life where I am not accomplishing anything. Instead I am just waiting on things, namely money.

Today's journal entry received it's title because of a gut-wrenching event that happened this week. I came down on my oldest daughter for her grades and in true teenager fashion she lashed out at us in the most vicious way she could muster. We had a long argument that lasted into the evening and culminated with her losing just about every privilage she has in this house including a room of her own and a bed. She has been sleeping on the couch these past couple nights.

I just don't know how to handle her anymore. It seems that she has chosen to do the wrong thing in about every situation she has dealt with. Also, she is just so demanding of attention and what she "thinks" she is entitled to. The worst part is that I could see in her eyes that she basically hates me. Last night I looked at a picture of my sweet girl from a couple of years ago and I started crying. Where did the little girl I loved so much go to? What was the point that she abandoned love, respect, courtesy, honor, and innocence?

I despise this world and the war it makes on innocence. I am afraid that my daughter is a casualty of that conflict.

Personality test

Yet another personality test!!!



what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

Oh, BTW... We finally got our DSL turned on today.

Rekindling old interests

I had a marvelous time this past weekend. On Saturday I went to an SCA event in Northern California. It was only a feast and wasn't that enjoyable, though the dancing and singing was without rival. However, the following day we had a moniers workshop and I got to teach a group of potential apprentices how to do the craft of our guild. In addition, I got to hang out and have a great time with Emmerick and I got to meet a very fine group of people.

I know I've never really mentioned the Moniers guild in this journal. That is really because my involvement predates the start of this document. However, I can tell you that my heart has always been with the guild and I have missed it sorely.

As for reviving my long dead association with the SCA... I really don't know, there is still much about it that I despise, namely the Byzantine politics. I was heavily involved about 10 years ago and my goal was to be recognized and awarded by the royalty. However, that never happened despite all my best efforts. It became a game of not what you know, but who you know. Anyway, as for my current involvement, Emmerick wants to promote me to a "fellow of the guild" and have me take over administering the regional moniers work. However, his apprentice, Dubhgall, who is in charge of the kingdom-wide guild, has a different vision I think. Of course, this is only what I can garner from what they have each individually told me. For all I know they could be in sync with their plans. Anyway, I will do the work they ask, and I plan to exceed their expectations. But, I will not play the politics game with anyone. Nor will I seek recognition of any kind within the "society." I seek to advance the thing I love and that is the guild. This will become my mandate.

In other news, last night we went to the Christmas party at my wife's work. A good time was had by all and I came away with a healthy appreciation and respect for my wife's boss. In addition, I got to see my wife get drunk. Haven't seen that since High School.

Another cold, late Autumn day

It is downright cold here today. The past couple of days it has been snowing and today it started raining. Everything is turning to slush and ice!

School is just about at it's end and I am pretty much caught up on everything. I find myself longing for next semester because I am taking both ceramics and sculpture. I have a dozen or so projects already swirling around in my head. The best part is that my wife is taking sculpture with me. It should be fun.

My buddy Geary came over the other day and we had a painting party. It's the first time I've have painted on my army in almost a year. The haitus is good because I am able to look back at some of my old projects and make some unbiased improvements. In February we are all going to Dundracon and both Geary and I will be playing in the 40K tourney. It'll be a blast!

Not much else to say except that I love my house and I'm looking forward to warmer weather. Did I ever mention how much I hate Walmart and landlords?

Grrrrr

Sometimes the site that hosts this journal really pisses me off. I typed a huge freeking entry the other day and for whatever reason the Internet burped and it didn't post. So, I guess I'll have to provide the shortened version:

I love my new house.

Thanksgiving was great. Real quiet with awesome food. My wife is a culinary genius.

The house is awesome.

School is winding down. I'm still getting good grades.

My house is warm and cozy.

It is cold and snowy outside.

I really am in love with my house.

The kids are happy and healthy.

We are all happy as clams in our house.

All landlords are scum of the earth and I am very happy to be out from under their grimy thumbs.

and finally... you guessed it! I love my house.

Okay, now I can get on to this weeks entry in my journal.

Did I ever mention how much I love my house? I am astonished at how long our furnace has been holding out and keeping the house extremely warm. When we moved in we were on fumes. The fuel company wants a 100 gal minimum purchase which comes out to about $200 that we don't have. Then, to boot the car company wants a double payment this month or they will repo the car. We got a bit behind in our effort to raise money for the house. So, needless to say, Christmas is gonna be tight/non-existant for us. However, I think everyone in the family agrees that a house of our own is the best Christmas present we could ever hope for.

This week I loaded the last of my ceramics projects into the glaze kiln. This will produce some of my best pieces, including a chamber pot and a set of bowls. I'm a bit bummed because I have no more projects. But, at least I have next semester to look forward to.

Speaking of next semester... My wife actually showed excitement and enthusiasm for taking ceramics with me next semester. I am so happy that she is joyfully sharing in something that I am passionate about. We are gonna make some awesome sculpture pieces to decorate the house with.

Lastly, my oldest daughter had the first(and hopefully last) administrative action taken against her in school this week. Apparently, she was caught in possesion of cigarettes. Now, she says that she was hiding the "coffin nails" for her friend and frankly, I do believe her. If she was smoking I would definitely smell it on her, and she knows I would probably murder her. I lost my mother to that disgusting, filthy habit and I'm not about to endure my daughter falling victim to it as well.

Update

Well, it seems that my busy life has kept me from my sacred duty of updating this journal. Please forgive me for my negligence.

We finally got into our house. It was a long, painful process but worth it. I could not believe how badly the paper shufflers screwed things up. We finally got in on Wednesday Nov 10th 2004, about two weeks ago. I am still in a state of shock about the whole thing. It's hard to believe that I own my home. What pleases me the most is relaxing in my living room with the heat turned up, the wind and the weather howling outside, and a nice cup of tea in my hands. It is the simple pleasures that give me the most happiness.

Still, a lot of work needs to be done on the house. Mostly redecorating, but some structural work is in the plans. I am confident that it is all stuff that I can do. Especially now that my loving wife has bought me a table saw. I imagine that the bulk of the projects will start next Spring.

My schoolwork is going well. Financial aid and the college cleared me to go another semester. Even though I really don't need the credits. My reason was that I want to raise my GPA. I am taking more ceramics classes, namely advanced ceramics and sculpture. I'm hoping to land a job as the person who mixes the glazes for the class. I hear that the current person is moving on. Anyway, my plan is to continue to go to school(my classes are mostly in the afternoon) and start making progress on the business.

Speaking of the business, I understand that I might have some competition. A friend of a friend is allegedly opening a gamestore in town. I'm told that he plans on selling computer games but will be offering some role playing games. I don't think I'm being told the whole story. Anyway, it bugs me a bit, but I am still pressing forward with my plans. I've came too far and worked too hard to give up now.

I spoke to Tess for quite some time on the phone last night. I enjoy talking to her. She is always good for a laugh. Especially since her brother was sitting in the room with me the whole time. Anyways, I was a bit alarmed that she is talking about moving back again. I hope it isn't just another whispery dream.

I've been somewhat concerned this past week about my mother-in-law(can you believe that?) . She is all alone in Florida and barely scraping by. I think she is in a dark and lonely place. She has called everyday for the past week and a half. Sadly, I think living in the retirement community around old Jewish people has made her think she is old. In fact, she is still a young lady. Also, the death of her mother and the terminal illness of her brother is not doing much for her spirits. I wish she would just pack up and come here to be a grandmother to her grandchildren. I think the worst part of this "modern" age is the erosion and breakup of the family. Despite what the cellphone commercials might say, a phonecall is not enough to maintain familial bonds.

Did I ever mention that I hate Walmart and everything it stands for? Please pardon the editorial.

My ole buddy Emmrick and his whole family came over this past weekend to visit. Man, it was so good to see him. I had forgotten how much I missed his friendship. We went out with Bubba and did some shooting. Manly kind of stuff. Anyway, I could tell that Emmrick just ate up the day. It had been so long since he hung out with the guys and felt like he was a part of something. I watched him bask in the glory of the high desert on the side of the mountain that both love. I felt sad for him because he had to go back to Mordor while I stay and live in the place I consider to be paradise. I hope God finds it in his mercy to allow Emmrick and his family to move back here someday. I think he will.

I hung up our icons in our house the other day. I felt intense joy and satisfaction at seeing the vigil lamp burn in my darkend living room. I think my Faith has been renewed.

Another dreadful weekend

Despite the fact that today was my precious son's birthday, it was a pretty shitty day. We took everyone out to pizza and my eldest had a fit because I wanted to be left alone to talk to my wife in peace. She showed total disrespect for me and I lost it. However, instead of beating the crap out of her like she deserved, I left. Everyone went on to eat pizza and watch "The Incredibles" without me. Then later, to top things off, my wife sided with may daughter against me. So much for standing together as parents! I felt totally betrayed and deeply hurt. Why does my wife seem to continually hurt me so much? I know I'm not overly sensitive. It just seems that she wants to oppose me?

The whole world and now my own family against me. When will it end?

I fell in love today...

Before I get to the reason for the title of this entry I must take a short time out and say... I told you so!!

Now normally I don't like to say that but, I will for this journal as a way of documenting events. A week ago I said that in a week I'd still be waiting for our house. Well, I'm still waiting. The finance company was not able to get the paperwork done in time today to close escrow. They actually missed it by a half hour or so. We are told that Monday it will close, on my son's birthday. So, we are spending yet another weekend on the floor.

In other news, today I got to unload the glaze kiln at school. It contained about a dozen pieces of pottery that I've worked hard over the past few months to make. Laying my eyes upon their beautiful forms actually left me breathless. I couldn't believe that I made such gorgeous pieces of artwork. I so love working with my hands. Prior to seeing them I had planned on giving some of my best pieces away as Christmas gifts. Now, I am having seriously second thoughts. I guess it's that passion that will ultimately make them perfect gifts. Or maybe the recipients will not appreciate how much work I did and make the cups and mugs into planters.

I think I'll find something else to give away for Christmas.

Oh, one more thing... My wife really hurt my feelings today by saying that my pottery looks "funky". I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she doesn't understand how passionate I am about these little lumps of colored ceramics. My only hope is that she reads this and tries a bit harder to understand.

What has happened to this nation?

Proof positive that the news after election day is absolutely dreadful. I found this on yahoo news this evening:

New Puppy to Prance at White House
Thu Nov 4,11:32 AM ET

WASHINGTON - A new presidential pooch will soon be roaming the halls of the White House. President Bush marked Laura Bush's birthday Thursday by announcing he would give her a Scottish terrier puppy that is a relative of the current first dog, Barney.

Miss Beazley, as the first lady and twins Barbara and Jenna have already named the pup, was born Oct. 28. She is due to arrive just before Christmas.

WHO THE F**K CARES!!!!!

In other news, we signed the final documents on our house today. We are slated to obtain possession of the property on Tuesday of next week.

As expected...

With as much as I have been wrong about things lately I was hoping that last nights Presidential election would follow suit. I am a bit sad that Baby Bush was re-elected. It'll be another 4 years of the rich getting richer and the poor marching to a useless war. Oh well, that is the way of the world and why I want no part of it.

A lighted tunnel

Today we found out that the seller reluctantly accepted an offer to carry part of the loan on the house. We signed papers and the deal goes to the finance company tommorrow. It's not a done deal, but it is as close as it gets to being one. With any luck we will sign our financing papers tommorrow and possibly be in our house on Friday... the very day that I said was our last day we will wait. Irony...

I must admit that while I am thankful and relieved, I am not happy yet. I really won't be satisfied until I am sleeping in my own bed. I think that is the reason I was just ready to give up and find a rental. At least this way I will never have to deal with a landlord again. Did I mention I consider them scum of the earth?

In other news... I put in my two cents worth at the ballot box today. I voted for John Kerry for two reasons. One, I hate all incumbents. Two, I can't forgive Bush for invading Iraq when we should have been going after Osama. I think the Iraq war was waged for selfish reasons on his part, and he used lies to justify it to America.

However, at this point in the ballot counting I think Bush will win. America still wants a reckoning for 9/11, we are still bloodthirsty! Bush will continue(albiet foolishly) waging war. No one believes Kerry, and his former anti-war stance, as capable of bombing strange and different people into the stone-age. The mob must be pleased with a show of blood. Welcome to Nova Roma my plebian friends!

The line has been drawn

I informed my real estate agent today that when our present purchase agreement expires on Nov 5th we are done. There will be no more extensions regardless of where we stand in the finance process. They can just eat the work they have put into this.

Here we are in yet another weekend without a house. This past week was loaded with nothing but errors and a lack of attention by the companies involved. Phone calls were not returned on at least three separate occasions pushing the deal farther back. People simply did not follow up and we are the ones to suffer. I've said it before, what do they care, they have beds to sleep in at night. This last time someone was supposed to email something and the message "mysteriously" did not go through. Once again pushing everything back another day. Well, they have a week, lets see if they want to get paid. Because I am not bluffing!

Badlands

"I ride alone. These wastelands that I cross, will take another life, we'll take another loss. I feel a dry wind. Dust is in my eyes. The arctic cold at night. The Earth she tells me lies."

"As the world awakens me so hard my values have been changed. I make a promise to myself, never again!! A dusty God-forsaken path endless to my dismay. I know these are the badlands. Somehow I'll find my way."

"The Vultures that circle cloud the empty sky. Patiently waiting, they wait for me to die. Tortured and beaten, blistered by the sun. Forceful and heartless. Have the badlands won?"

Metal Church -- Badlands

I have every confidence that next week at this time I will still be waiting for a blessing that is not coming. Like a Dog sitting by his bowl waiting to be fed while his Master is on vacation.

The roots of despair

I don't think that anyone really knows how low I am in my heart. There is really no one to talk to about it. I get the same bullshit from everyone about being patient and hopeful. My patience is long gone and I dare not hope anymore. There are no blessings left for us in heaven, and we are lost and forsaken. All my life I have been an orphan to the world with no where to call my own. Now as I strive to reach for the dream I have always held I am scorned and laughed at. Like swinging at a pinata and the joke is on me. How dare I desire such a thing as a home of my own. I think God in heaven is having the greatest laugh of all.

I am so cold and tired. My mind is numb and blank all the time like I'm punch drunk. My faith is shattered. I have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. Like a lost man in the desert. Thirsty and alone. I struggle to climb a dune hoping for an oasis on the other side. Yet, when I get to the top I see nothing but another dune and more desert. Then you wonder if your time would be better spent cursing God as you wait to die.

The principalities and powers of this world have won. I am no Job. My faith was not strong enough to survive this test. God has left me to wither on the vine. I don't know what to do anymore.

A shining jewel in a dark world

I am very proud of my second daughter. Today she tried out for the cheerleading squad at her school and she was chosen. She beat out a dozen girls to end up on the competition squad at her school. It was so good to see her work so hard for something and to achieve her goal. No one deserved to be on that team more than her. I think alot of credit needs to be given to my oldest daughter as well. She served as a role model in cheerleading for the rest of the girls. I am looking forward to seeing her cheer, and I pledge to help her in any way I can.

To my great relief I finally heard from Tess this week. It seems that she has been real busy and suffered from a downed computer. Also, the day she spoke to Geary while I was at his house, and she didn't want to talk to me, was because she was sitting next to her boyfriend. Things seem to be going good for her with school and all. I still wish she didn't live down where she does. It would be better for everyone if she was around here. There's no telling her that though.

On the mortgage front there is nothing new. Tommorrow a bit more fanagling will be going on and I am told we may be able to sign papers. I'll believe it when I see it.

A diversion

In an effort to assage my growing depression I took the kids out and saw a movie tonight. They went to see "A Shark's Tale" and I went to see "Hero".

I was very impressed by "Hero". While I normally despise martial arts movies I liked this one because of it's historical perspective. It was highly recommended to me by a close friend, and of all people, my history teacher. I think the movie accurately depicts the Qin dynasty and was profound in it's portayal of the Suntze philosophy. The line that a "swordsmans ultimate goal is to lay down his sword" was just awesome. Sadly, I think that someone without the knowledge of history would be mearly entertained by this movie and miss the bigger picture.

Something may happen tommorrow with the mortgage. But, I'm not holding my breath. We will see... it is in God's hands.

Seeds of Despair

Still nothing new on the mortgage. The loan processor seems to speak in riddles on the phone and barely gives me a chance to ask a question. He has resorted to not giving me a timeframe now. This has to be the lowest of lows. I am fed up with this process and I have no faith anymore. My thoughts have turned dark.

I think I have realized what hurts the most about staying here:

I am ashamed.

I am ashamed that I am putting my dear friends in such an uncomfortable position in their own house. I am ashamed at every bite of food I take and every phone call I make. I am ashamed at enjoying their heat and comfort. I am even ashamed at sitting on their couch. I am ashamed when I take a shower in their bathroom. I am ashamed at every noise my kids make in the morning while our benefactors try to sleep. I am ashamed to walk through the door because I know that they are thinking "not again". I feel shame for typing on their computer, on their internet. I am ashamed to turn on the TV or to turn the channel. In essence I guess I feel ashamed for simply being alive.

I read once that God will only test you as much as you can tolerate. I am past my tolerence and I feel forsaken.

All I want is a home.

Another weekend on a couch

Well, it is Sunday night and I have survived another weekend. I am starting to despise weekends because the kids are home and I have to find things for them to do. It's not that I don't like spending time with the kids, it's just that my wife always has to work and I feel a bit overwelmed dealing with all of them.

Today I took the oldest daughter up and we played paintball with a large Church group. All total we had about 14 people. It was really fun, especially shooting it out with new people on a course I've never been to. I'm hoping to do it again real soon.

In related news, I got to spend some real quality time with my daughter. I think we healed alot of the wounds we have both suffered lately from our fighting. I wish I could have more of such adventures with her.

Geary is being tight lipped about what is going on with Tess(Geary is her brother). He keeps changing the subject about her and won't give me any specifics. I'm guessing we're gonna have to actually write her a letter is we are ever going to communicate. I'm afraid that she might not want to hear from us at all. Something has happened with her, I am sure of it! I just don't know what.

Old man winter has reared his ugly head

The first snow of the season is always the worst. It gets real cold and the snow comes down in little flakes. Almost like it's reluctant to touch the ground. It accumulates in small piles with the grass of the neighbors lawn poking through. Then, after the sun rises it stops and immediately begins to melt. Slush and cold water run over everything leaving a miserable mess.

Now the second snow, well that's the good one.

I spoke to our mortgage broker last night and he said everything was on track to be finished in the given time period, meaning late next week. I've been told that they push especially hard to finish things up before the end of the month. Hopefully this is true in this case, I want my life back.

I've been having dreams at night of living in our own home again. Of sitting by a warm fire in my chair while hot cocoa brews on the stove. Of sleeping in my own bed next to the warmth and comfort of my wife. Of just simply having my own space to do as I wish. I want to be able to invite friends over for dinner or even just for coffee. I want to sit by the window and play chess or backgammon with someone.

I don't think anyone who has never been homeless can understand what this feeling is like. Especially in a time when the weather is turning bad. Perhaps it is in our nature to want to store up and prepare for the winter. I know I have a deep feeling of anxiety and fear that we are not prepared.

I think our benefactors are nearly at the end of their patience with us. The kids just won't settle down and take this seriously. I am in a position where I feel odd about punishing them for their wrongdoing. Basically, they are taking advantage of the situation to act out. But, they'll have hell to pay when this is all over.

I think I am also sad about this situation with Tess. I always regarded her as a good friend and I am hurt that she would turn away like this. My wife doesn't let on that she cares at all. But, I think it bothers her. I look back and I realize that Tess has done this many times before when she doesn't want to face us for one reason or another. Essentially, she is a coward. But, she has chosen her life and she subtly makes it clear that we are no part of it. C'est la vie

I still have teeth

It's a terrible thing to realize that you love someone with all your heart yet you don't really like them. That pretty much sums up my relationship with my oldest daughter. She is so conceited and selfish it is hard to be around her. She also has this real streak of dishonesty. All my life I have strove to only be around people I can trust. Now I have to live with one and call her my relative.

The dentist visit went well today. I guess my mouth is still pretty much in need of work but it hasn't really got any worse.

The prospects for a house are still a disaster. No rentals in the paper to speak of and the mortgage broker says it'll be two more weeks before we can close escrow. I found out over the weekend that the seller is has lost his business and is living in a travel trailer. He is anxiously waiting for the money from this sale in order to get his life back on track.

Tess has flown the coop on us. I've been trying to get her brother to call her and when he finally does she doesn't want to talk to me. Her email account is closed, and she has apparently written us off. I've said it once and I'll say it again, it never ceases to amaze me how when times get hard the fair-weather friends scamper away like roaches. It hurts me though that she would do this when we need her emotional support the most. So many promises broken.

The tide is lower still...

It gets worse!

Well, the appraisers report is finally in and all our information is going to the underwriter for final approval. But, I find no real comfort in that. Our loan agent said it'll take a couple more weeks for things to close. Also, he wants more information from us. Info that we can't come up with like receipts for rent for the past year.

Then, it started raining over the past few days and our stuff is getting soaked. Not our household belongings but our clothes and schoolbooks. It's just an insult to injury.

Finally, I think I'm coming down sick. Don't know if it is the flu or what but I feel generally awful. My analogy from a couple of days ago about drifting on a still sea at low tide... Well, the tide has gotten lower. When will it get better? How low can we go?

"Doom, despair, and agony on me! If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all."

Some guy on Hee Haw

Entropy Bubble

Well, here we sit. Still holding up at our friends house making their lives miserable. The situation is the same as last week at this time. Still drifting across the dark side of the moon. If life is like riding the surf, with ups and downs with the waves, then we are sitting on a still sea at low tide. I just can't see any relief in sight. It's amazing how one man can hold up an entire process.

To boot, Tess has stopped communicating with us. We would normally get an email from her every two weeks or so. Now, we get nothing and her email is not valid anymore. I just don't know what is happening with her and we are worried.

It's rainy and miserable here today. Our stuff on the porch is probably getting wet. But, there is nothing I can do about it. We found our cat a few days ago, but he ran away again. He feuds with the cats here and ends up taking off. I can only imagine what is going through his mind.

The past few days I've been playing alot of paintball. Perhaps to get my mind off my troubles. Anyway, I am quite sore from the experience. Regardless, it has been fun. I think I'm losing a bit of weight from the exercise. That and hardly eating. I guess something positive will come from this.

Overall though, a sense of despair has settled over me. I'm finding it hard to pray or be hopeful. I kinda feel like I'm just drifting. I really don't know what to do. I wish my Mom was here to give me advice. Come to think of it, no one is around to give me advice or direction.

I am set adrift on an ocean of despair clinging to the tiny scraps of spintered wood called hope. I may drown before this is over.

The beginning of the end

Well, it is Monday and this is the start of the week in which our mortgage is supposed to go thru. It's been almost a month in escrow and our stay at our friends house is entering its third week. As I said before I am tired and fed up with this process. Essentially, the main hold up has been the appraiser. However, his report was supposed to have been filed on Friday. I just worry that there will be another hold up at this point.

Even if there is I don't think we are gonna hold out past this week. The local paper comes out on Wednesday and I plan to start calling around for a rental then. Perhaps by this weekend it'll be over one way or the other. I just can't ask my family to live like this while I wait for someone to shuffle papers across their desk. They have beds and warm homes to sleep in,we don't. I am deeply sad that we would come so close to realizing our dream. Maybe we were never really that close.

Yesterday I was about brought to tears by a trip we made to the city. In years past we attended the St. George Greek Orthodox Church and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. However, yesterday we found that the parish had been disbanded and the priest sent back east. We were met by a lady that basically told us that internal politics tore the congregation apart. Of all the things that would destroy a Church! The Early Christians had Roman persecution to worry about. We have the specter of pride and selfishness.

We are the dispossesed, the pariahs of society. There will be no respite for ones such as us. No place will be made to rest our weary heads.

The show goes on

This has been a tough week and I am glad it is about over with. Despite the pressure of still not having a place to call my own, I managed to get an "A" on tests in two of my classes. In addition, I finished a prototype for my ceramics project.

The court hearing into our "eviction" went well for us. We settled with our former landlady out of court. We agreed to pay the back rent we owed and she agreed to drop the claim for evicition costs. I feel like I got out with my honor intact... I am paying what I owed like I really wanted to do. Best of all, we won't have a judgement or an eviction on our credit report. That's important for us in getting over our bankruptcy.

I must say that at this point I am simply exhausted with everything that is happening. This process of getting a mortgage is almost too much to bear. I get lousy sleep at night on my friends couch, and I seriously long for my own space and privacy once again. I'm sure that holds true as well for our benefactors. We are at the end of week two here and I think nerves are being worn rather thin.

"House guests are like fish... after a few days both begin to stink" Benjamin Franklin

My problem is that I just don't know how to make things easier or accomodate our hosts better. Kids will be kids and stupid things happen when they are around. However, that is hard for someone who doesn't have their own kids to understand. Sure, I can keep the kids in line and correct them when mistakes are made. But, I just can't hang over them and control every action.

Oh God in heaven please deliver us from this grief and bring us to a life of stability and security.

In other news, I was a bit disturbed today by the news that the British hostage was beheaded in Iraq. I don't know why I follow these stories like I do. I just really sympathize with his plight and the grief of his family. The news story said they think he tried to escape and was recaptured and executed. I just can't imagine the evil that exists in the heart of a person who would hold a man down and cut off his head while he struggled against you in vain. Death in mortal combat is one thing... murder of an innocent man who is tied up is another. If it is really in Islam to condone this act then there lies the agents of evil.

In closing, I think Kerry won the debate tonight. He was just more specific about his plan for the future than Bush was.

"Lets lick Bush in 2004!!!"

That didn't come out like I planned. :-)

The Dark Side

This is proving to be a challenging week for me. I feel as though I am crossing the dark side of the moon. No house yet. Everything is done but we are still waiting for the appraiser. Now, I guess the underwriter is grumbling about wanting us to put more money as a down payment. I got really angry at my agent for even asking, though I know it is not her fault. They just don't know how hard it was to come up with $5K for a down payment. I'm trying to have faith that everything will work out but, sleeping every night on a lumpy couch or a slowly deflating air mattress it's helping to put me in an amicable mood.

To top things off school is starting to get a little intense. I have an exam and a midterm this week and an essay due next week. On top of that I have a big assignment in ceramics that we only have 3 weeks to complete. I know it does no good to complain about school. I signed up for it and they gave me alot of money to get good grades. It's just everything would be a bit more manageable if I had my own space.

Finally, as icing on this big delicious cake, the Judge set a court date of this Friday for the eviction hearing. It seems that even though our former landlady got her wish of booting us out on the street and selling her house, she still wants to see us in court. I just don't understand her mindset. Though I guess I never have understood someone who has no mercy or compassion for others. Sadly for her she will see grief in the end. I've seen it too many times not to believe in it.

Still waiting

Hope still springs for us. While we are still waiting for escrow to close on our home, everything is proceeding as expected. All the money we need for the deal is in the escrow account... about $5,000!! Insurance is taken care of and our underwriter has approved us. The only hold up is the appraisal, which was completed today. Our agent thinks it'll be another week for the appraisal report to come back and a few days after that for the papers to get drafted and signed. God willing we'll be in our home by mid-October.

School is going extremely well for us. I'm proud to say that I'm getting an A in all my classes. I was a bit worried about my pottery class because I was having trouble making cylinders on the wheel at the height required for the project. But, this past week something kind of clicked with me and it suddenly worked. I "realized" several great cylinders on Wednesday afternoon.

Joy of joy... today I got my new paintball gun in the mail. It is an Autococker, brand new out of the box. I got a good deal on it too. It needs a couple add-ons and it'll be a star-performing marker. I can't wait to shoot Bubba in the ass!!!!

It has begun...

I'm here tonight nursing a sore shoulder because we started the first leg of our three-day quest to move from our house. All our stuff is going into storage and we have made arrangements to stay with friends while we wait for our new home to close escrow. I imagine that it's going to take about 3 more weeks(God willing) for everything to get sorted. It'll be good to be out of here just so we can feel like we are a bit closer to our goal and not have the nasty cloud of eviction hanging over us.

I heard from Space today. It was a major relief to get some word from him though I still don't know what happened. It rankles my hide a bit to know he is in despair from that damned place. Perhaps it's because I went through the same mess from the same people a year ago. Or perhaps I just don't like when evil people harm the good.

"It is the responsibility of the good man to bloody the nose of the evil man now and again" -- Me

Not a very Christian statement I know, but it reflects the anger I feel at seeing such injustice. Maybe I'm just a Paladin at heart. :-)

I've come to realize that it is easier for me to love my wife than it is for her to love me. She said something today that really hurt me in my heart and yet I still eventually forgave her and went about our day. I think she has a REAL hard time empathizing with anybody, including me. That is perhaps the reason we have such a sordid past, and why I could never do to her what she has done to me. All I can think about is how much I would hurt her and having to face her knowing I put her in such pain. In many ways I guess I pity someone who cannot empathize with others. It must be quite a lonely world for such people.

In other news, I'm narrowing my search for a paintball gun. I'm really favoring accuracy over speed-of-fire. To that end I want to get an Autococker brand gun. However, all my friends are pressuring me into getting guns exactly like theirs. I think I'll just go with my instincts.

Lastly, I am still enjoying school quite a bit. But, I am frustrated with my psychology class. My teacher is great and I am soaking up the content. However, it is going slow because our class is filled with this group of local goons that just love to interrupt the teacher with their anecdotal stories of how exciting their redneck lifes are. One guy in particular likes to sit smugly by his wife/girlfriend and make all manner of stupid and disruptive comments to be the class clown and soak up attention from the teacher/class. It's like he was a mommas boy who was used to being praised and adored by a doting mother and now wants that attention from the rest of the world. I know it's not good to judge but it is really getting annoying and it is starting to detract from my enjoyment of the class. I just don't know what to do because I am starting to dread the class for that simple reason. Maybe I should talk to the teacher about it and see what she says. Or perhaps I'll just keep my mouth shut and be passive-aggressive. Time will only tell...

Happy Autumnal Equinox everybody!!!!!!

I hope nobody sees this one!


You are going to replace Michael Jackson some don't
really know what you're going to do next and
they believe that you don't know either.
Everyone can agree though that whatever you do
it'll be monumental and hard to out do. Wow I'm
impressed.

Which Pop Star Are You Destined To Replace?
brought to you by
You're a dog :) Very loyal, everyone can always
count on you. You're a very good girl/boy
*pets* XD. You're also very serious most of the
time :) bet you get straight A's in school...

What animal are you? with pics
brought to you by
You're Pie - You've got layers, you're hidden under
a thick crust but you're sweet and/or savory
once they can get under your skin. Only a
select few get you a la mode!

What Kind of Dessert Are You?
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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Double bummer

Life is still good for us except for two things that happened today that had me bummed out a bit.

First, I emailed a friend of mine who still works for GW asking him how things are going. I got an email back from his supervisor saying he no longer worked for the company. Space is an awesome guy and made my life working for that company a pleasurable one. He is also one of the best gamers I have ever played with. Anyway, I know he was a bit burnt out but, to find out he left/got fired was a bit shocking. It is also disturbing to me because I heard from another source that his supervisor was leaving soon. Don't know what to make of the situation. I guess I'll just pray for my ole pal.

Second, while I was out paintballing today my gun stopped working for no apparent reason. Someone suggested that I broke a seal on the inside. Hmmmm, maybe this is the sign I need to just buy a new marker.

Well despite these setbacks I am still in good spirits. Nothing is more pleasant to me then the thought of owning my own place.

Righteous fish!!!!

Holy Mackerel!!!!

It just dawned on me that I totally forgot to update this journal on recent events. That just proves the claim that I only like to write when I'm depressed!!

Well, this past week we had the big meltdown with our financing for the house. The wife and I were pretty bummed and we actually started looking for a rental. Then our Real Estate agent suggested a company down south that might be able to help us. She said they can get loans for anybody. So, I contacted them and gave up all our information. I was a bit blunt with them because I really didn't expect to get any help, so I just laid everything out as honestly as I could. He said he would call me the next day at Noon and he didn't so we threw our hands up and moved on.

However, he did call me later in the evening and apologized profusely. He laid out a financing program for us that would require a bit more of a down payment. So I gave him the thumbs up and prayed for the best. Then, on Thursday morning he called and said we are approved for a loan covering the entire amount of the purchase. I couldn't believe my ears!! I asked him what our credit scores were and he said we both came in at around 545. er!?!? Didn't we just go through bankruptcy? Anyway, I took the whole thing as a simple blessing and a miracle. Thanks be to God in heaven!!

So, from here the house gets appraised and we have to send in all our stuff. The lending broker said he could have everything done and approved in about 2 to 3 weeks. So, it looks like we can move in by the end of the month!!! I frankly can't wait, it's a bit miserable counting days and living someplace where the owner doesn't want you to be. So, to that end we are looking for temporary housing. Maybe a trailer for rent or possibly the motel. Anything to get us out of here. Our only hang up so far is waiting for money. But, the wife gets paid soon and we will just have to do the best we can with that.

Anyway, for anyone out there who might be looking for a loan broker here is the link:

http://www.dandeassociates.com

Good Luck

Agony revisited

We spoke with the real estate broker today about carrying part of our mortgage. We were disappointed to find that he had demands that we cannot meet. So, it looks like the deal is going south and we are going to be homeless in less than a week. Don't know what else to say because I am still in a state of shock. So close yet so far.

I think only a miracle can save us now.

Waiting to exhale

I spent part of the day today preparing my legal defense to an eviction notice I received on Friday. Our landlady is wasting no time to get rid of us. I think it is perhaps her guilt over double crossing us for this house. Kinda like hiding the thing that gives you shame. Also, I'm sure it has to do with her haste to sell the place and get money.

"Money is the cure for honesty" -- me

I don't imagine that the judge will ultimately side with us. But, I'm hoping to bide enough time to allow escrow to close on our new place and get moved. I am planning on moving next weekend come hell or high water. We'll just have to get a motel room and find a place for our stuff. As always... it's in God's hands.

Saw the movie "Without a paddle" tonight. It was totally hilarious and goes right along with my brand of sick humor. It kinda reminds me of a 30 something goonies movie.

And finally I saved the best for last... I took the plunge the other day and finally saw "The Passion of the Christ". I was moved to tears. It was truly an absolute masterpiece. Actually, I was so deeply moved that it has been haunting me a bit. So much so that I had to wait until now to give an objective review. One thing I wasn't sure about in the beginning was all the dialogue being in Aramaic, Latin, and Hebrew. But, in the end I found that it added an intense depth to the story and a deeper feeling of historical accuracy. Finally, I was afraid that a movie about the trial, torture, and crucifixion of Christ would follow the widespread mistake of concentrating on the sacrifice of Christ and not the triumph of his glorious resurrection. However, I found myself weeping for joy in the end when he walks out of the tomb. This movie is absolutely a must see regardless of your religious persuasion.

Sorry for the lull

All is well with us at the moment. Our future home went into escrow on Tuesday and all looks well for moving in possibly as soon as late next week. Funny thing is that we have just about everything packed and ready to go. We are just waiting for the key.

My mind has been buzzing with all manner of projects for our home once we are there. Every day on the way to school I pass by the house and think about what I want to do to fix it up. I foresee a lot of evenings sitting on our patio or BBQing in the back yard. Basically, I'm just looking forward to fulfilling a dream and enjoying the good life in our own home.

In other news, the wife and I have been attending our oldest daughters high school volleyball games for a couple weeks now. I really enjoy sitting there and cheering for the home team. Also, I get a chance to just sit and talk with the missus about just about everything. It feels good to pal around and just be friends with her. Also, I should add that my daughter is a great player and I enjoy watching her.

From agony to joy

God in heaven be praised. The long awaited blessing is ours. The owner of the home signed the papers on our deal and it goes into escrow next week. I am ecstatic with relief that we have crossed this hurdle. In all of my 33 years I have yearned for a place to call my own. Now it is close to a reality.

Besides giving credit to God above I have to say that alot of work was done on our behalf by the only honest real estate broker and agent in this country. They really worked hard for us and I think if it was anyone else we would still be pulling our hair out with the search. Thanks be to God for helping us find them.

Now the effort must be made to move out of this wretched place and find short term lodging while we wait for escrow to close. That will be hard but I am sure that will find something.

Some dreams do come true I guess...

From cooking to agony!

My faith and patience is being put to the ultimate of tests. The agent called back today and said the seller is waiting a couple of days to give me an answer because he wants to see the condition of the house for himself. Apparently, he hasn't seen the place in a couple of years. Anyway, it just means more waiting and crossing into our deadline for moving out of here. My fear is that the family may have to be uprooted in the course of a couple of days and we may have to stay in a motel. That will eat up so much of our money and cause such a hardship.

I have tried everything short of begging to have the landlady let us stay here for a couple more weeks. She is absolutly resolute and won't listen to reason. She is an extremely hard hearted person and I am sure she is going to start eviction proceedings tommorrow. But, what can I do. If we leave and stay in a motel it will chew up all our money and destroy our ability to buy a house.

This is so hard and my faith is shaking. I'm filled with so much rage and frustration. I just want to run and never look back. My thoughts have been dark as of late and it is really hard. I need inspiration and hope but it seems fleeting. Never have I been so close to my lifelong dream of owning a home. Yet it is so far.

I don't want to tell my wife because she has been so happy. She has had such a hard life with me yet she stays and clings to hope. Perhaps there is no hope with me. Am I destined to die a heartbroken pauper?

The pain and torment is too much for me to bear...

Oh yeah baby now we're cooking!!!

Okay so we kinda gave up on our other real estate agent. He was too busy golfing.

So then over the weekend I stumbled upon an ad for a house here in town that was being listed by an office in a nearby town. I called the broker and he got back to me and asked if I'd wait to see the place on Monday. So, today we saw the place and fell in love!!!! It is an older home in need of some work, but it is beautiful and very cozy. It's got a great heating system and even a root cellar. It's awesome.

So we managed to put in the first offer on the house and the agent actually called us back(big surprise there) and said the owner was receptive to it. Tommorow we find out if he takes the bait. Then by the grace of God alone we will get the financing and move in.

So, we are back on pins and needles...

Still waiting

Well, I finally heard from the agent and the news is mixed. He said the owner made a counteroffer to the buyer and the buyer may come back today with a yeah or nay. If it's rejected then we'll put the offer up and see what happens. Meanwhile, I have been reviewing other options in this market. It is hard because everything is so overpriced. But, thanks to desperate buyers like myself people are getting what they ask for.

The microbrew thing was a total loss yesterday. I got up to the ski park and the organizer said they had enough people and I would have to either pay admission or sit outside. So, I asked the wife to come get me and I started walking down the road. I must say that my hike in the deep woods on the side of an ancient volcano was very spiritual for me. I recalled back to a time as a kid sitting in the deep woods listening to the wind in the trees. It's almost like the voice of creation whispering to me. The experience brought me to tears and I realized how much I miss my hikes. I came here to live because it is my home and the forest offers me a peaceful refuge from the pains of life. I need to seek this thing again.

I guess the trip up there wasn't a total loss afterall.

JOAVM has a new look!!

It seems I had a bit of a problem with the comment system I added to my weblog. The host of the comment system ended up hijacking my site by accident and I was forced to both post my blog at another address and remove the comment system. In the end I selected a new template and found out that Blogspot had it's own comment system. It was time for a change anyhow.

Still waiting to hear from the real estate agent. He's probably out golfing!!! The good news is that the wife and I got our grant checks today. It's shopping time!!!

Still on pins and needles this morning. Damn real estate agents!!! No call yet. I won't call, I will wait and have faith. I know we are at the end of our rope and God won't let us down.

I actually find myself dreading this weekend. Yes, I'm enjoying school that much! Today I'm supposed to go to the ski park and serve microbrew beers. That'll be fun because I like microbrews. However, unlike the friends I an going with I only like to sip beer as opposed to guzzling it. So, I'll probably be the designated driver this evening.

I'm currently going through this goofy phase with my daughter where she is trying to do the stereotypical rebellion against me. She has turned into the master of passive resistance. The other day she wrote me a note saying how sad she was that we don't communicate and that she thinks I am not proud of her. I didn't say anything about it but this week I've been making a point of asking her questions about her day and the like. Unfortunately, she's been giving me one word answers to everything and being generally closed to me. Hmmmm Who's being the poopie butt now?

I think the answer lies in our current field of study in Psychology class, critical thinking. I've always took the Bill Cosby approach and halfway jokingly said that teenagers are "brain damaged". But, the truth is they are not critical thinkers at all. She is not capable in seeing her own faults and biases. Nor can she hold out on judgement before she reviews all the facts. Ultimately, she cannot admit or see her own role in our relationship. It takes two to fight/tango/argue etc.

Unfortunately, I dunno what to do for her. As a cop I had to learn quickly how to be a critical thinker by not taking sides in a dispute before I heard the facts. However, I always found a bit of frustration with close minded people who wouldn't see someone elses side or exhibit any empathy at all.

Sounds like our current dispute with our landlady.

Well, I am on pins and needles today. We put in an offer on a house here in town. It is small a pretty run down but I like the place alot. It has character. In fact, I don't think I even told my wife how much I really like the place. I'd be up to my eyeballs with projects. Also, I'd have to learn alot of new skills like drywalling and plumbing. But, I am up to the task and I think the girls would love the place once we got settled.

Our relationship with our landlady here has took an absolute nosedive. She overreacts to everything I say to her. For instance I wrote her a pleasant email saying we need to stay in this house past the deadline for moving. Not good news I know. But, she responded the very same day by having papers delivered demanding that we move out. I guess she would rather have a family go homeless than be put out for a couple of weeks. Oh well, she is a different kind of person with different values and morality. I like to call them MONEY GRUBBERS.

Did I mention that I and really enjoying college this semester? Every single one of my classes are exciting and interesting. Maybe it's because I know I am getting my degree in December and I have short timers disease.

Just noticed that I am up to my 300th post. I've been writing in this journal for 3 1/2 years now!!

In other news...

"We are the little folk we. Too little to love or to hate. But leave us alone and you'll see how fast we can drag down the state. We are the worm in the wood. We are the rot at the root. We are the taint in the blood. We are the thorn in the foot."

The Little Folk unknown artist

For whatever reason the above song has been running through my head for the past several days. It's about the plebians and slaves of Rome who resent their masters and seek to destroy them in their own little ways.

I brought it up because I am a bit perturbed about the change in overtime rules that go into effect today. I recall an election statement made by our beloved Caesar George Bush Jr. In 2000. He said he wanted to reform the overtime rules to allow blue collar workers to "work as much as they want".

"Mistletoe killing an Oak. Rats gnawing cables in two. Moths making holes in a cloak. How they must love what they do. Yes, and we little folk do. We are as busy as bees working our works out of view. Watch and you'll see it someday."

If it was up to the industrialists and the black hearted Republicans they would have the little folk work constantly with no life on the side except for the spending of our money like good consumers.

"We shall be slaves just the same. But, when have we never been slaves? And you will die of the shame. And then we shall dance on your grave."

I know how I am voting in November.

I recall working for my previous employer who put me on a salary so they could work me all they want without worry of overtime. I speak to people who are still with GW and they continue to complain about the long hours they have to put in. It is frustrating because it seems that to be "successful" in this world you have to become a company man. In order to be a company man you have to give up freedom, family and sometimes even your God, as in the case with GW.

I knew no greater freedom and happiness as when I owned my own business and made my own way. No boss to answer to, and nothing but my own ambition to guide me. In business if I work hard I see the results. Not like GW where I worked my ass off to make our hugely inflated sales targets and got little or nothing for it.

"Rome never looks where she treads. Always her heavy hooves fall on our bellies, our hearts, and our heads."

Welcome to "Nova Roma" my plebian friends...

Well, I'm back online now after a short reprieve. basically, we paid our bill to the internet company :-)

Still looking for a house. It's turning out to be a bit frustrating. Doesn't help any that our real estate agent is a money grubber... She doesn't want to put out much effort for us because we are in the 100K or less market.

School started this week and I am loving it. I'm thrilled with my classes and it looks to be a great semester.

We are moving closer to opening the game store soon. We went down and rented the space this week. Now I have to start building displays.

The kids start school next week... YEAH!!!!!!

Tons of other stuff to add but I'll save it for later.

Today I feel pretty good about myself. I had a great job interview with a local cell phone company. It went well and I think they want to hire me. Time will tell.

Also, we contacted a real estate agent, at the urging of my uncle, about finding another house. Ends up a nice house is up for sale next to an old friend of ours and the agent thinks she can get us into it for a reasonable price. She confided in us that homes around here are way overpriced and that sellers have a hard time getting their asking price for them. I think if all works out we could make a deal sometime soon.

As always, it is in God's hands.

One more week until school starts for me. Really, I can't wait. I'm tired of sitting around and doing nothing. Unfortunately, it's another 3 weeks before school starts for the kids.

We are starting the house hunt this week. I hate it!!! As I said before, landlords or the scum of the earth. They don't return phone calls, they are generally rude, they make unreasonable demands, and they ask way too much for run down, drafty homes. Well, what do you expect from people who seek to profit from a poor persons basic need.

Well, I got a response back today from our landlady. She rejected our offer and stated that she wants a huge, unreasonable amount for this home. I can't afford what she wants so we are moving on.

"For us there is no Spring, just the winds that smell fresh before the storm"

Thus is our way I guess. However, just like in Memphis we will trust in Christ to guide us. Something else will come along.

I am happy to announce that we made an official offer on the house today. The entire affair is in God's hands now and I am very relieved.

Tonight we went to the local fair. Had a great time and made a name sign for the house. I plan to hang it when we finally purchase the property. My wife got to see Tracy Lawrence in concert. It was sort of a birthday present from her high school girlfriend. I made a pig of myself at the corndog and teriyaki chicken booths. The kids had a great time.

I got the call this morning. I am not getting hired by MCTV. Oh well, I'll keep trying. Sadly, I think they already had someone in mind when they posted the position in the paper. I'll still go down there and volunteer when I can.

Tommorrow I go to sign up for school. Not much to say about that I guess. I do like the classes I selected. Hope they'll all still be open tommorrow. I am signing up a bit late.

We took a trip to the city yesterday and bought two comedy DVDs. Both are by this hilarious british comedian called Eddie Izzard. I love listening to him because alot of his jokes are told from a historical perspective.

Lastly, Bubba gave me a laser sight for my paintball gun. He has signed his own death warrant. :-)

This past weekend, despite the horrors overseas, a bit of joy and happiness crept back into my life. On Saturday had a BBQ for my daughters birthday and invited all our friends. We ate carne asada and drank beer. It was good to have all my friends around. They gave me words of encouragement about the house, which are like jewels to my ears. All in all, it was a good day.

Then yesterday we spent a perfect day at the lake playing water frisbee before coming home and having a pizza feast for Geary on his birthday. We ended up staying up late and watching a couple movies(more on that later). I realized last night that a glimmer of contentment was nesting in my heart. Or maybe it's as my wife puts it, denial. Who knows. But, this week I find out if we can make a offer on this place and it is in that and God that we place our hope.

About the movies, I don't usually go for the sappy love stories. But, Cold Mountain was a great flick. It's portrayal of the "Battle of the Crater" was impressive, and it's overall portrayal of life in the Civil War was excellent. I highly recommend it.

Today I learned that several Orthodox Churches in Iraq were bombed by Muslim fundies. They apparently timed the expolsions to occur during or after Divine Liturgy. My heart goes out to the victims because most Christians living in the Arab world are very repressed people. I've heard first hand accounts of the day to day struggles they endure living amongst people and under a government that despises them. Then to boot, many of them are Armenians who have only come to the Arab world to escape death at the hands of the heartless Turks. I will pray for the martyrs that were made this day and for the faithful who will be displaced.

Saw "The Village" this past week. YYYYAAAAAWWWWNNNNNN!!!! I nearly fell asleep twice. The movie was fairly good but very slow and a bit transparent. Normally, M. Night Shaymalans movies are great with an amazing twist at the end. However, this time I figured out the twist by mid movie.

Happy Birthday to my oldest daughter.  She is 14 years old today.  Ugh I'm old.

Last night I watched a borrowed copy of "Bowling for Columbine".  I was curious about it just because I enjoyed "Fahrenheit 911".  However, I was skeptical because I am a supporter of the right to own a firearm.  So, this was a chance to put my own political beliefs to the test.  In the end I decided that the show wasn't really bashing gun rights as I was told.  It was bashing the national media and the society of fear we live in.  That was touched upon somewhat in "F911" and I saw the truth in it.  Now, looking back I now realize that the American society has always been in a state of fear.  The cold war, terrorists, Y2K, crime, etc etc.  And it's not just the black hearted Republicans who do it but everyone in the political and journalistic system.  A point was well made in BFC, when we are afraid, we buy things.  That makes us more efficient consumers.

I for one am more than just a consumer.

I was reading a bit about the ancient Egyptian culture last night and their belief system.  Not so much their religion but just their views on life.  Egyptians believed in the ma'at which is their level of spiritual and mental happiness on earth.  If one has a high amount of ma'at in their life, when they die it goes with them into the afterlife.  Now, I am an Orthodox Christian and most of us can be pretty dour when it comes to life and suffering(especially the Russians).  I have never really bought into that philosophy.  It just seems that God would want his servants to be happy and content.  Some would argue that contentedness brings complacency and that brings a lack of need for a divine presence in our lives.  Hence we become our own Gods like the new agers believe.  But, when one is vigilant and actually loves Christ in his heart then I think that changes somewhat.  Surely the Greeks are a happy and contented people while still serving God faithfully.  This is what I strive for and desire.  When we love our creator, we love that image within ourselves and we are happy.  Earthly desires were in the Garden before sin.

Whew!!  what brought that on?  I guess that is my religious ramblings for the year.  :-)

In other news, today I listened to my second daughter read a story to her siblings.  I must say she is a good reader.  She told the story with inflection and followed punctuation and grammar perfectly.  She even made voices for the characters in the story.  I am glad that she has this ability.  So many times I would hear people in High School read and they sounded like they should be in remedial 3rd grade reading.  She is a smart girl and with guidance she will go far in this world.

Life goes on and we learn to accept our losses, as painful as they may be.  Frankly, I love this house I am in, if that is possible.  I represents security and comfort to me.  I represents a chance for me to stop wandering and have someplace to call a home.  Something I have never had in my life.  I am deeply bitter that it may be taken from me.  However, I know it is my own fault.  I should have nailed the owner down to a purchasing agreement.  I should have been the untrusting, legal eagle to draft a contract.  However, as usual I am trusting of people.  I yearn so much for a world where a persons word is their bond.  Where honor and integrity is more valuable than money.  To my grief I do not live in such a world.

There is one more chance to be had, a chance that like everything else in my life relies heavily on the mercy of God above to work.  My Dads best friend is a mortgage broker.  He is coming up here next week to look at the house and explore whether he can finance it or not.  Then, we may be able to make an offer on the house and hope that our "opponent" fails in his attempt to get a loan.  As I said before...  it is in God's hands.

I am doing my best to fight a losing war against depression.  I find that I don't want to mow the lawn or even clean the house because of what has happened.  I've gone from having pride in home ownership, or at least the chance to, to being just another renter.  The thought of finding another house to rent makes me literally sick to my stomach.  Landlords are the scum of the earth and I hate dealing with them.

I still hope that this home is not a lost cause.  It could very well turn out that the slimy weasle that bought it out from under us could not find financing.  One can only hope I guess.  I've said it before many many times, I will have faith in God that all will turn out in the end.

It's funny how things turn out though.  I sold my soft top for my Jeep this past weekend.  An Ebay buyer paid me $500 bucks for it.  I will buy a few things I really want but for the most part the money has to be used for bills.

"Stand and Fight!!!
 Live by your heart. 
 Always one more try, I'm not afraid to die.
 Those who lie and crowd the path and cut each others throats, shall fall like melting snow.
 They'll watch us rise, with fire in our eyes, they'll bow their heads their hearts will lay low.
 Then we'll laugh and they will kneel and know this Heart of Steel
 Was too hard to break, too hard to hold."

ManOWar  --  Heart of Steel

I've decided to fight this.  They breeched their contract with us.  They are trying to profit from our hard work.  They are trying to steal our home.  This shall not stand!

"No one...
No one in this world can you trust...
Not men...
Not women...
Not beasts...
(pointing to sword)
This you can trust."

Conan the Barbarian

It's days like this that remind me why I have adopted the title of "Vengeful man".  I am painfully reminded that there is no honor left in this world.  That we live in a festering sewer of rats.

Our landlady called today and told us the house has been sold.  We have 30 days to find some place new.  An offer has been made and accepted despite our standing agreement.  Who can you trust anymore when the spectre of money and greed hangs over our heads.  We are a doomed race and a damned society.

Well, today I had my first day of "work" in over 9 months.  Basically, the director of MCTV had me come to the studio and help him shoot, edit and produce two shows.  I got to play cameraman and editor.  I took to the video editing software right away and impressed him by adding the opening title and the closing credits to the 1 hour show.  My boss in a nice guy and I think I'll get along with him well.  It's funny calling him boss because I have not been officially hired yet.  The board meets next month and makes their decision.  Anyway, I think my "boss" gave me his seal of approval...  he granted me unrestricted access to the stations website and online programming guide.  :-)

It's been a few days since I went paintballing and I'm really missing it.  Bubba has been taking too many days off of work and another guy, we'll call him the weasel, had his car break down.  Hopefully this weekend I'll get a chance to "burst some paint".

Found out something interesting the other day.  I ran into the director of the kids little league/tee ball.  He says next year we'll be able to sign up ALL the kids for teeball and softball.  That includes my son who is turning 5 in November!!  Now, I thoroughly enjoy watching my girls play sports.  But, to see my son take the field will be interesting.  He is ready too.  It will also be awesome to have my two oldest girls play softball.  Of all the "baseball" type sports out there I enjoy watching girls softball the best.  It'll be a dream come true to see both of my girls playing on the same team.

 

Oh the cruel ironies of life and fate...
 
I have long hoped for a game of computer solitaire where I finish the game in the first shuffle and obtain a nearly perfect score.  Today I did such a thing...  But, when I went to check my score I found that my kids turned of the scoring option.  I can only guess the final tally of my first 700+ game.  I'm never playing solitaire again.
 
In other news...  last week we went to see a comedian at the local Indian casino.  We showed up 30 mins late to see Ron White from the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour".  Ends up the ticket clerk told about 60 people that the show started at 7:30pm instead of 7pm.  So, we are getting free tickets to see Bill Engvald in October.  Anyway, the show was great, Ron White was hilarious.  He told a lot of new jokes and a few old ones from the Comedy Tour CD.  We had a great time.
 
Over the weekend we went to the Carnival here in our home town.  We ended up getting swindled by a fast talking Carnie and didn't have enough money left to ride any rides.  So, we ate some delicious curly fries and listened a bit to the music.  While I was there I met the director of MCTV.  We spoke a bit about the job I applied for and he invited me to a production session this week.  He is a very nice guy and I think he really wants to hire me.  However, the ultimate decision is up to the board and they aren't making a decision until next month.
 
Lastly, I finally got tagged good in paintball.  Up until yesterday I never had a hit that left a bruise.  However, I got blindsided by my buddy Bubba.  Basically, I was stalking him in the brush for a good 100 yards.  Then, I lost him and thought he was hiking around a pile of logs.  So, I moved into position to ambush him when he came out and he nailed me.  Ends up he was still sitting in the brush.  You live and learn...  Next time I will be more patient.  Patience is what has allowed me to avoid getting shot so far.  But, I'll get Bubba next time we go out.  I have a 21" sniper barrel on my marker now!!

I am so exhausted!!  I've went out every day this week paintballing.  I am getting one heck of a workout.
 
Tonight we went to the local carnival.  Man those guys sure do fast talk.  I played darts for a stuffed animal for one of my girls.  Before I knew it they guy said I owed him $40.  That was all the money I came there with!!  Anyway, he settled for $20 and gave me a smaller fluffy bear for my daughter.  At least she got to feel special.
 
While we were there I ran into the director of the local public television station that I am trying to get a job with.  He was a nice guy and he wants me to come down to the station next week to see their operation.  I think that is a good sign.  :-)
 
I feel good about myself and my family.  What more can I say...

It's quiz time again!!!!


You are a PENCIL! You are hardworking and get along
well with your coworkers because your work is
so valuable. You enjoy having a job because
it gives you a sense of purpose.You have a
tendency to overload yourself with tasks to be
done and are often tired. Make sure you take
it easy every once in awhile or your abilities
will run short!


What Piece of Office Supplies Are You? (many, many clever results with pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a gravestone shadow. You denote the
dignity and wisdom of history and memory. You
are foreboding and dignified. You value
tradition and memory because your soul is the
essence of those who lived and bled in the
ancient life you represent. You are slowly
fading from existence. Keep your place in this
story of time by consuming the future that you
find so threatening, for someday it will become
what you are: the past.(please rate my quiz cuz
it took me for freaking ever to create)


What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

I know many people who will find this next one hilarious


You are the mystery woman


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Cougar/Mountain Lion/Puma ~ The Puma spirit
represents power, grace and stealth in
darkness, but its real power lies in the
silence of its eerie, unblinking stare that
seems to bore deep into one's soul. This
teaching can help us to discover the benefits
of concentration, deep contemplation and
prayer. As we peer into the darkness of the
unknown to feel its power, we can be guided by
our puma friend to the light on the other side.
The puma is extremely quiet during the hunt.
It knows when to be invisible and when to make
its awesome presence known. Silence is its
sword and power. Silence is highly respected
among American Indians and is seen as a holy
state of consciousness as we quietly behold the
grace and glory of the Creator. It is said
that silence speaks words of the Great Mystery.
When the student is ready, the puma teacher may
bring knowledge of this powerful medicine.
Cougar/Mountain Lion/Puma's Wisdom Includes:


Using leadership power wisely and without ego

Balancing power, intention, strength

Gaining self-confidence

Freedom from guilt

Cunning

If you enjoy this quiz please rate, and I may do
some more!


Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Bai Hu - Tiger!
Mythological Background: The tiger is associated
with strength and the desire for a challenge.
It is also associated with hope to win, or
rather, the blooming season. It is also linked
to meandering, or the ability to be in contact
with a lot of aspects. The tiger also stands
for war and soldiers fighting to the end, for
the sake of their country.


Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okay, that is enough for today. Will someone please tell me why I do the stupid quizzes? Oh, I know... because it gets my wife to write in her blog. She loves quizzes.

My job interview went well today. I think what helped me alot was my own realization at the start of the questions how much I would really enjoy this job. In Mordor, while working in radio, I gained a real appreciation for working in the media. I was interesting being a local "celebrity" and exciting to put my ideas and talents to work to improve the station and the show. I honestly hope they pick me for this position. I won't find out though for several weeks.

...it is a blessed provision of nature that at times like these, as soon as a man's mercury has got down to a certain point there comes a revulsion, and he rallies. Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it, and then he is in good shape to do something for himself, if anything can be done.

Mark Twain - A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

What an exhausting and awesome weekend!!! My ole pal Stevil came here on Friday and we had a gaming marathon with all the local goons. It was very good to see Stevil, he is very much a kindred spirit to me. I was also good to do some serious role playing instead of the usual hack-n-slash that the local guys tend to want to do. I reminded me very much of our old games over 11 years ago.

Tommorrow I have my interview with MCTV. About a week ago my wife met the station manager and he basically told her what they are looking for in a director. After detailing my job experience to him he told my wife that it sounds like I am the person they are looking for. I hope it goes well because I would like to have the job. However, I know that it is in God's hands. He has brought us here for a purpose so I will continue to follow his lead.

Saw King Arthur the other day. For a movie that presents itself as a historic scenario it sure had a screwed up timeline. Wait for it on DVD is my advice to anyone.

Well my foray into paintball was exciting. My first time out I didn't get hit once. However, I also didn't fire a single shot. We played at night and basically got lost. Then, yesterday we went to the same patch of woods during the day and went at it. I ended up getting caught in a cross fire and nailed in the ribs. Then later I plugged one of my opponents at long range right in the head. At that point I couldn't get enough and was ready to spend the rest of the summer lobbing paint at everyone. I am definitely hooked!! I'm sure I'll be posting more about this new found obsession in the next several days.

In other news, I got in a big fight with my daughter the other day about the type of music she listens to. Basically she likes the inner-city black pop music that absolutely drives me crazy. In my view, I have lived all my life in backwater rural areas. I have absolutely no interest in the inner-city culture/beat/lifestyle. It stirs my gizzard to hear that sound in my house or even my town. It's not a racial thing at all it's a cultural thing. Inner-city ghetto life is something I abhor. The worst thing is that I have to put up with it on TV and at public events. As if the "popular" taste in music must be everyone's favorite. The heart of the matter is that I do not like to be told what I must like. That's why certain public figures whom everyone says are beautiful/talented but, I find butt ugly or annoying I hate(for instance Julia Roberts, Willem Dafoe, Alyssa Milano, Shania Twain, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez etc, etc... the list goes on and on).

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."

Mark Twain - Notebook, 1904

Today as a relaxed floating on my back at our favorite swimming hole I began to ponder something. Why do people choose to wait until they are old to have children. My mother was 35 years old when she had me. I realize that she was still young but by the time I was in my teens she was in her 40's going on to 50. We never did much together because she never seemed to have the energy or the ambition after working all day.

What made me think of this was watching a 40 something woman in a horrible bikini following around an infant at the lake. I thought at first she may have been a grandparent or something. But, my intuition told me she was the childs mom. I also wondered at those type of parents that simply follow a child around letting them do what they want like they are the slave/nanny to some prince/princess. Is it any wonder why we have a whole society of spoiled brats?

I had a weird run-in with Tess the other day. I made a very rare call her brother for some off-the-wall reason and she happened to be there. She was headed back home and stopped by briefly to see her Dad. Anyway, it was like a lemon for both my wife and I to see her. Both sweet and sour. Overall, Tess seemed ecstatic to see us. However, her jealous boyfriend seemed less-than-happy as usual. Apparently, she cannot have any friends male or female because of him. I think that Tess sometimes plays off of that and sets out to make him jealous for whatever reason. For us that is just too hard to deal with and we are to the point when we dread for her to make her annual trip up here.

Tonight I go to make my first foray into the world of paintball. I'll tell you how it went tommorrow.

Had an enjoyable 4th of July celebration last night. I went over to a friends house and had a potluck. I ate way too many hot wings and sat out in the sun a bit too long. But, it was nice to hang out with friends and enjoy the summer day.

I was also pleased that my daughters came back from a Civil War Reenactment they went to with their grandfather. I really did miss having them around. In fact, before they got home I was thinking about how lonely it would be around the house to only have 3 kids. Strange eh?

To my great delight I got to sit and talk with my Armenian friend for quite some time. I may help him out with some training for the local police department. More on that later.

I also got to hang out and visit with my old pal Jerkous. He is up here visiting for the holidays. This is the first time I've seen him in well over a year. He is doing well. However, I'm worried about him because he seems to be drinking too much. He is a veteran of the NA/AA groups because of problems with drinking. I've never had a problem with him having a beer or two at my house. But, when he drinks almost my whole 12 pack of beer and then goes to the BBQ and drinks at least a half dozen cups of beer, that is cause for concern. However, I don't think I'll talk to him much about it. Unfortunately, like my older brothers, he comes from a generation that seems to thrive on self-destruction.

I took the plunge today and went to go see Fahrenheit 911. I did it mostly out of curiosity and because I enjoy talking politics with my old pal Ed(he went with me). The documentary was very compelling and disturbing. I have never liked Bush but I couldn't exactly put my finger on why. Call it a gut feeling about the man. If half of what is laid out in this movie is correct then I think I can safely say that Bush is one of the most corrupt and evil men to ever serve in the White House. Never underestimate the power of mundane greed.

"When a man lies, he murders some part of the world"

Never has this statement been more true.

We went and saw Spiderman 2 for the second time today. Great movie!! Much better than the first one(which is rare for a sequel in my opinion). The main theme seems to be one dealing with his secrets and facing his past demons. Another reason I think I enjoyed it so well is that it suprised me.

In other news, I have the itch to get a job and get myself out of the house and being productive. Our main problem is though that the kids are all home for the summer. We have no one who can watch them for us, and the price of daycare is totally out of the question. If my older daughters were a bit more responsible it could work but they aren't so I'm stuck counting the days until the end of summer.

However, I think we might have a solution to our woes. The wife and I are planning on attending school full time in the Fall and are in the process of applying for student grants. With careful thought and some math we realized that we could use the money to not only go to school by start our business. We want to work for ourselves so bad we can taste it. And in my humble opinion struggling with a biz of my own is much better than working for some boss. Besides, no one ever got rich working for someone else.

We planted our garden yesterday. I know it is late in the season but we decided to do it anyway and hope for an indian summer. We have a row of corn, red onions, carrots, and tomatoes. In a couple of days I will plant some potatoes, watermelon, and pumpkins. It is nice to feel the dirt and work it for our benefit. In a jeffersonian way I have always admired farming.

I applied for a job today with the local temp agency. I may have mentioned before that the job is with the local cable access station. With my background in radio/public relations it is right up my alley. The best part is that the job is flexible to allow me to go back to school this Fall. Oh, by the way even though it is with a temp agency, the job is permenant.

In other news, I bought something from Bubba the other day that will add an interesting bit of spice to my life. It is a very nice paintball gun. He sold it to me because he found a local place that sold him a marker he has wanted for quite some time. Anyway, we started asking around and found several people who want to have a great big shoot-out in a couple weeks. When I was a kid we had BB gun wars. It'll be interesting to see how different this might be.

Not much to write about today. It's been slow and lazy around here. My armor is done but I may not be going to the SCA event. Basically, my traveling partner Bubba might have to work that weekend and I don't have enough money to do it on my own. Oh well, C'est la vie.

I'm looking forward to seeing the premier of Spiderman 2 next week. Well, in reality I'm looking forward to it for my son. He loves spiderman. Anyway, he is all excited about the movie so I am too. If it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't see it because I am really leary of sequels when they are not planned.

I missed out on a chance to go to a major league baseball game this weekend. All our friends are headed to Oakland to see the A's take on the Giants. Apparently, two people had to cancel their trip and I was asked to go. It would have cost me $50 for the tickets to see three games, and another $120 for the motel room. No where in there is food provided. Since money is so tight around here I regretfully had to decline... But, it was nice to be invited :-)