The dissolving of fear

Druid Thoughts

There’s a quote from Terry Pratchett witches like to quote:

“A witch ought never to be frightened in the darkest forest, Granny Weatherwax had once told her, because she should be sure in her soul that the most terrifying thing in the forest was her.”

But this is not quite right. Last night traveling through a dark forest I remembered that what it teaches you is there is nothing truly terrifying. 

Fear and worry are only ever inside you, and in the darkness of a forest the inside and outside disappear completely.

You become the forest, and the forest becomes you. 

And in such a state, nothing can ever truly terrify. Terror requires an Other to be terrified of, and when there is no Other there can be no terror.

So if you are afraid, go walk through a forest at night. Turn off your flashlight and stumble through the dark. And let the terror of what is outside you dissolve into the fierce wholeness of the Other that is also you.

The dull ache of loss.

I miss my dog.  She was my constant and faithful companion.  We could read one another like a neon sign and our love was truly without conditions.

I have shed a river a tears since she died on June 30th.  And I will shed an ocean more before I am done.

I hate this society that devalues the life of an animal.  Hell, we devalue each others lives.  Unless you are fair-skinned, with perfect teeth and wash board abs, you are a waste of protein.

She was so much more than the capacity of most people.  

I have no one I can talk to about my grief.  I just want to retreat into the comfortable and consoling dark of night and dance with her shining spirit.

The problem with faith

Faith, is a good thing.  It gives hope to a desperate situation.  It gives endurance to those who suffer.  It grants strength to those who despair.

But, like a slow acting poison, it can destroy those who ingest it too frequently.

What do I mean?  Well, as a Christian I used to place all my faith in God and then wait patiently in sorrow for a thing to occur.  Often, it did not come and I would say "it was Gods will", only to feel disappointed, and unworthy.  Inside I would feel as though my faith was inadequate and that my hopes and dreams are selfish or displeasing to God.

In the end I would be greatly hesitant to ask for anything for fear of the greater pain of being let down.

Then, I woke up to the fact that diety is not all powerful.  That some things are quite beyond their power to change or influence.  The Gods that I embrace now have great love for me and a desire to see me prosper.  In short, they have my back.  But, they can only help me so much.  They are wiser than me and can guess the outcomes of a plan or desire, and they let me know if something will surely fail.

But, the scars of the chains of my old life and old way of thinking often ache with an unforgettable pain.  And so I feel the apprehension and despair of the let down I fear when faced with a situation that is out of my control.

Wisdom tells me that I should not give in to my fear.  That despair is just the negative chains of fear holding me from doing all that I can to strive for a positive outcome.

So, I am left wondering if plain faith is just empty and lifeless without hope, love and effort.  Effort in imagining the outcome that I desire and putting my will and energy towards letting it happen.  Instead of waiting for the light to switch to my favor, I am as a fish swimming with the current but at the same time paddling to the part of it where I want to be carried.

The wisdom of the salmon.

A stroll in the past

I spent an entire evening reading all my blog posts over the past 20 years.  What an eye opening adventure into myself.  

I cried reliving old painful memories, and I marveled at my mindset in different phases of my life.  I think everyone should keep a journal of their life and read it often.

Many things have changed with us, and many more have stayed the same.  I still struggle painfully with my eldest daughter.  Her grief and drama cuts me deep to my core, and I feel every bit of her pain.  But, in my longing to be close to her I am easily manipulated and wounded by her.  As of this writing, we are estranged.  But I think about her every single day.

I have walked away and closed the door on several people whom I held great affection for in the past.  One of whom is Emmerikus.  His selfish and callous attitude had driven a wedge between us.  Then, it was revealed to me by two of his children (on separate occasions) that he has had an ongoing sexual relationship with all of his daughters, since the time they were young girls.  Worse yet, it all happened under our noses and we were too blind to see the signs.

I can honestly say I truly hate him and despise everything about him.  I curse the fond memories we shared.  I wish I had never met him, and I look forward to the day that he dies.  I grieve for the innocent girls that I tried to be an uncle to.

That aside...   I feel that I am living a pure and simple life.  I go as far as saying I live a good life.  We are quite blessed.  I want to travel more.  I want to take my wife to France, Rome and Armenia.  I want to visit England.  I know that my desires will come to life because we are working hard to be prosperous.

No more am I waiting for God or the Gods to hand us what we want.  We have to take it ourselves by working for it.  This is perhaps the best and brightest lesson we have learned and one I wish I would have really understood when I started this blog.

Wisdom is truly a wonderous accomplishment.

My work in stone

I am a sculptor, I work in stone.

Before me lies a block of marble.

It is not mine.

It fell off a block of stone that I had shaped in my youth.

I was once a young and nieve scuptor.

I made mistakes.

Mistakes that now result in tears.

But, I have this block in my hands.

It is pure and beautiful.

I fear my mistakes, but I am no longer foolish.

So, I shape it.  Gently working the stone.

Instead of cutting it to my will, I let the stone emerge into it's destiny.

My old hands hold the potential of youth and beauty.

Every day, the work becomes more my own.

Every day, the mistakes I see in my past work becomes lessons.

The borrowed stone shows me that my work is more than the sum of my past.

The stone is glory and greatness.

Greatness in me, and greatness in it.

The crowning lesson is that though I am a grandfather raising his grandson, I am still a father, and he is still my son.

No one under the stars can change that.