Still nothing new on the mortgage. The loan processor seems to speak in riddles on the phone and barely gives me a chance to ask a question. He has resorted to not giving me a timeframe now. This has to be the lowest of lows. I am fed up with this process and I have no faith anymore. My thoughts have turned dark.
I think I have realized what hurts the most about staying here:
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed that I am putting my dear friends in such an uncomfortable position in their own house. I am ashamed at every bite of food I take and every phone call I make. I am ashamed at enjoying their heat and comfort. I am even ashamed at sitting on their couch. I am ashamed when I take a shower in their bathroom. I am ashamed at every noise my kids make in the morning while our benefactors try to sleep. I am ashamed to walk through the door because I know that they are thinking "not again". I feel shame for typing on their computer, on their internet. I am ashamed to turn on the TV or to turn the channel. In essence I guess I feel ashamed for simply being alive.
I read once that God will only test you as much as you can tolerate. I am past my tolerence and I feel forsaken.
All I want is a home.
