Why I am unemployable

I have this peculiar spirit inside me that whenever I get a new job, I feel like I am being crushed by the pedantic minutia of it all.  Working for someone else, being paid an insulting wage, to give my all to making their business work out for the best.  A few short weeks into any job and I start dreaming about quitting and starting my own business.  If I could ever manage to find a part-time job, or doing bit work, I might be happy.  But, sitting at a desk or a counter for a third of my day feels suffocating.

Right now, my wife and I are running our own business.  It is exhilarating and exhausting.  Some months we are rolling in money and see no end to the prosperity.  Other months we have no business and can't help but wonder if we are doing something wrong.

Right now, we are experiencing the latter.

It is a good time to get caught up on projects or on our reading and study.  But it also leaves a big pit of fear, worry and doubt churning in our bellies.

The Blame Game

 There is no way around this.  I blog when I am depressed and hopeless.  

I have only but a few people I can talk to, and when I reach out to them, I actually feel guilty.  Like I am barfing my insignificant grief and sadness onto someone that doesn't deserve it.  In short, I'm a burden.

My dear sister is one such unlucky person.  I am immensely grateful for her and her wise counsel.  My wife is another.  But I sometimes feel like my uncertainty puts doubt in fear into her.  It is as if she needs me to be strong all the time, and when I am not it shakes her foundations.

I want to run away from it all and start a new life.  This was the way that my dear mother thought, and she did it quite often.  We moved across the Western United States many times in my youth.  It made for a very hard and isolating life.  I don't want to inflict that pain on my wife.  We have worked so hard to establish our business and to make a good reputation for ourselves.  So, I guess running isn't an option.

My children are back to hating me again.  Today one of my daughters insulted me gravely after I yelled at my grandson for being destructive.  I sincerely apologized but she carried it one step further and went on about the usual song and dance of saying I was a horrible parent.  I had enough of the insidious exaggeration and outright lies about their childhood.  I clearly remember so many good and beautiful memories of my children, yet all they can seem to recall are the rough times we had.  It is as if their generation needs to play the victim and to outdo each other by saying how bad they had it.  Even going as far as to tell lies and make up bad memories.  It is as if I am dating a bad girlfriend.  Let me give you an example:

               "Hey you wrecked my car!!" - me

                "Yeah, well if you didn't spank me as a child then this wouldn't have happened" - them.

                "Hey, you stole money from me" - me

                "Yeah, well if you wouldn't have stood me in the corner for too long then this wouldn't have                     happened!" - them.

                "Hey, you can't disrespect me like that!" - them

                "Yeah, well if you would have taught me to take care of myself better then this wouldn't have                 happened!" - them.

Then there is the vague booking that inevitably happens on Facebook where they fish for sympathy by only giving one side of the story to the rest of their friends who do the same shit to their own parents.  It is a vicious circle of pain and torment.  They aren't looking for understanding or reconciliation, they just want drama and upset for its own sake.  It is called Emotional Vampirism.