The Genocide of the Heart

I've come to realize recently that I have no real friends. Actually, none of us have any friends. Western Culture has pretty much quashed all notions of loyalty, intimacy, and trust. Perhaps its not so much the culture but the basis for culture in this society... money.

They say that a friend helps you move... a good friend helps you move a body. Well, I can't get any of my so called "friends" to even help me move. What am I supposed to do about a body?

I can honestly say that I have stood by certain people through thick and thin. Picked them up when they have fallen, and defended them when they were not worth defending. However, painfully I cannot say that any "friend" has done this for me. I am amazed how when there is a need I am sought after. But when I am in need I stand alone.

So, I go back to what I said earlier in this post, I blame money. It seems that when we have money we have no want for anything so we have no need of friends, family, or God. But, when times are hard, and money is scarce, then we cling to the forementioned institutions.

It ties in to the ongoing struggle of our lives. The battle that wages around us and unbeknownst to us. The trials of the end times as spoke of in scripture are not trials of flesh. That question has been answered. No, its a trial of the spirit. The attack comes each day to us across our television, radio, movies... our very culture. To be honest, it is a fight we are losing and our souls are being slaughtered. It is a Genocide of the Heart.

Media tells us to work hard, be efficient, and save your money and you can be affluent and like Gods. It tells us how to think, and what is right and wrong. It says we don't need God or religion, we have health, happiness, entertainment, wealth and the good life. It has convinced us that we are the pinnacle of mankinds existance and that all of our ancestors yearn to be fullfilled like us. So, there is no reason to look to the past for anything but entertainment. Rome has finally moved beyond bread and circuses and has conquered the unquenchable mob.

This "Unthinking Majority" we have become is on a fast path to ruin. And we seek to bring all of creation down with us. We have become like Gollem. Refusing to cast that which destroys us into the fire forever. Instead, we will fall into the flames in ecstacy.

Go figure

A gift of fury

Sometimes a moment comes along that stuns and astounds me.

Yesterday, we went to the lake to celebrate a firnds birthday. While we were there we ran into a group of guys who had a stack of boffer weapons, SCA folk living around here that we didnt know about.

Anyway, one thing led to another and we starting doing boffer duels. Now, I must say that I have not done boffer fighting for quite some time. Once I went heavy the lightness of the weapons, and the lack of armor didn't appeal to me anymore. I also don't enjoy fighting with 2 handed weapons all that much.

So, when I stepped up to duel I felt myself enter a state of quiet, calm, aggression. Watching my opponent in slow motion, seeing the flaws in his defense, and anticipating his offense and countering it. I don't like to brag, but at one point I took on 3 challengers at once and I killed them all. I can remember the fight in my head very clearly. One opponent I killed on a backhand swing where I wasnt even looking at him.

I honestly think that this new found focus is a gift from God. A blessing that I asked for. Why would he grant me something so aggressive and "unchristian" I do not know. Nor do I question the will of God. But, I defy any bible scholar or tell me that God has not granted such a gift to his servants in the past.

Apocolyptico is a very intense and deep movie. Mel Gibson did an excellent job to shed a new light on human history and to debunk the revisionists who would paint a picture of our ancestors.

Ones place

Dear Sadness,

Why do you plague me so? It seems whenever I rear my head and look about you are there before me. You follow me like my shadow. Never will I be rid of your stench or your oppression. Because you are me, and I hate you.

Today I took a chance and did something that I have only done once or twice in my life. It backfired on me. I thought all the signs were there but it was only an illusion. The fancy of a man who dared to hope. Who dared to reach for something fine in some place where I don't belong. The craving for a simple kiss that will never come. How can claws hold a flower and expect not to crush it?

My fear of rejection is realized, and now I will do as I have always done, I will bury my feelings. I will bury my frustration at myself. I will channel my rage into the one thing that I was always good at, I will fight! I will fight with the dark determination of someone who is a slave to their sad fate. Call it the Ogre's Lament if you will but, it is true and I am bound to it.

Sadness... to Hell with you.

The agony and ecstasy of life

So, this past weekend was very eventful. Where do I start? On Friday night we had our first moniers meeting in the new Cynaguan mint, better known as my garage. We lifted a glass and commemorated the patron of our guild St Dunstan. We got to do some work with the new forge, and we struck some more coin for the coming cornet event this weekend.

On Saturday we had my daughters birthday party in the local park. All of our friends showed up for BBQ and cake. They got to watch us do a fighter practice. Oh man, I am really feeling good in my armor, the warrior spirit is growing in me. Then in the evening we all went to see Shrek3. Fun movie, as good as the others.

Then, on Sunday we stepped into another era of history and went to a Civil War reenactment. It was so good to see all my old friends. I was given a very warm welcome. In fact, they wasted no time to draft Emmrick and I for the last battle of the day. I forgot how much I enjoyed shooting Yankees! :-)

Sadly though, I was informed that one of my favorite people I reenacted the Civil War with had passed away a few months back. We affectionately called him Prince Albert. He will be sorely missed. :-(

On a lighter note I am feeling pretty good about life in general at the moment. The future looks bright, and I am really enjoying things at the moment. This is gonna be a good season I think.

Speaking of season, I am headed off this weekend to Cynaguan Spring Coronet. I plan to fight, but not in the tourney for the Princedom. Sadly, I dont have a consort. The wife cant go because of work, and Momoka refused to fill in for her despite having my wifes blessing. Honestly, I feel more then a little rejected by that and I am struggling not to be resentful. :-(

On that note I am really struggling with a personal issue at the moment. I wont go into any details, but I will say it is pulling at my heartstrings and I dont know what to do about it.

At any rate, I will continue to focus on the good things in my life and look to the betterment of things.

Self loathing

Sometimes I really hate myself. I hate how my pride forces me to act in certain situations, and how my lack of confidence forces me to act like an idiot in other situations.

Often, I think that I really just hate my own personality and wish I could withdraw into an austere, unapproachable person. In fact, sometimes I really like myself when I am in such a mode. No stupid jokes, no idiotic witicisms. Just quiet and observational as I have always been.

Perhaps one would say that I am reclusive in order to hide my insecurities. I would say that is exactly the case. I have a real fear of rejection stemming from my childhood. Its just easier to keep others at bay, to watch them from a distance. Maybe even to live through them without the danger of being rejected.

I guess that this all comes from feeling kinda down lately. Worried that people who are in my life will reject me or turn against me because of the weight I feel on my soul. Perhaps they will see through my thin veil of humor and lightheartedness into the lonely, sad little boy that I really am.

When I was a kid I dreamed of living deep in the forest like a mountain man, or a hermit. Where the wind and the animals are my only company. They don't see, or even care about the insecurity in me. I still dream that impossible dream. Of running and leaving everything, including myself, behind.

I guess thats what this blog is about. No one who really cares for me reads it, so they don't really know my inner feelings. Its just between me, the keyboard, and about a million other people who might just happen to stumble upon one of my many rants.

Armenian comemoration day

So, once again I come to my annual rant about the Armenian Massacres.

I had someone tell me once that it happened over 90 years ago and that I should just get over it. I felt a tinge of shame at that moment not for myself but for him. Here is a man that has his whole family and a link to his past. A feeling of belonging to where he lives and who he is. As an Armenian I really only superficially have that.

I reminded him that my grandparents came here as refugees not immigrants. If it were not for what the Turks did then I may very well be living in the city of Marasch where my family came from.

Now the question comes... well how do we heal from this and get over it?

Easy enough I think. For so long the Turks have refused to admit that 1 million of my people were ever killed. They claim that the Armenians rose up in revolt against them during WWI. My response is why were the women and children killed. In war soldiers fight soldiers, not helpless civilians. There is not honor or proud legacy in what the Turks did. Yet, many of them still brag about the conquests of their people over the Armenians.

Sadly, the United States even refuses to acknowledge that genocide took place. This in an effort to appease their ally in the Middle East. Here in the "land of the free and the home of the brave", the country that considers itself the polar opposite of evil, we refuse to stand up for what is right for the cause of diplomacy.

It was Adolph Hitler himself that said, when asked about his "Final Solution" policy in Germany, "The world will not do anything to help the Jews. Look at the Armenians, no one remembers what happened to them."

I close with this benediction. "May God forgive the Turks, as he has forgiven me"

Blast from the Past

Had a very nice visit today with an old friend from my deep, dark past. I have referred to her a few times in this blog as Momoka. But, for this entry we will call her Lenneth.

I spent about 3 hours in a coffee shop with her today just rehashing the past 15 years or so. I must say that she had every ounce of charm and grace that she had as a teenager. Only now its been refined a bit by age. Which of course you can barely tell.

I must admit to a bit of intimidation on my part. She has grown to become a well read and articulate intellectual. I felt like an awkward, half-witted ogre in her sight.

Anyway, Lenneth expressed a desire to rejoin the SCA in some capacity. The suggestion of which made me quite happy. I think that her intelligence and charm would be more and welcome, and a tremendous asset to our efforts to revitalize the local branch.

JOAVM is now IWAW

I decided to change the name of my blog. No reason in particular, just to make things interesting. I also changed the template and a few of the links.

I guess I just missed writing down my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps a new look to things would spice it up a bit and get me to pay attention to this journal.

Back to the world of the mundane

I have survived the war, my son is alive and with me, and my wife did not have to eat my rabbit. All is well.

I must say to my surprise that my shoulder survived the rigors of battle quite well. Though it did not do so well in the constant rain, cold and sleeping on the ground. My knee is a little tweeked from a fall I nearly took in the mud while defending the castle. And remarkably I do not have any bruises, scrapes or broken bones. Though my pride is a little hurt. I need to be in a bit better shape for future excursions such as this.

Some of you may know already that this is my second shot at doing activities with the Society for Creative Anachronisms. I quit cold turkey several years ago because we moved to Mordor and I ran into a real nasty element of the Society over there.

Thus far though the SCA seems to be quite unchanged. I have seen the A**holes I dealt with before. But, now they are quite distant from me and I am a bit upset at myself for letting them get to me like they did. I stopped doing something I loved because of them and I am a little resentful.

On the other hand I have ran into a few of the people that made the society magical for me. I am glad that they are still around. Though after a dozen years I am sad to say that they dont remember me much. Oh well, I kindled friendships with them before and did not regret it, I'll just do it again.

I have to say though what is really drawing me to the game more than anything at this point is the reaction that my dear son had to the events he has been to. In March he took part in a boffer tourney for the youngsters. At first he was timid but then he took to it like a wildfire. So much so that he made it to the finals for the title of Page Champion. Impressive eh?

Overall though I really feel that this year is the fleshing out period to determine if I will stay with the SCA or not. I have to see how my wife and daughters reacts to it.

As with everything... time will only tell.

Up and unto war

My Dearest Wife,

This week the prince has called up the Theme and I am off to war. I have made all the necessary repairs to my armor and I think I am ready. It is a shame that so soon after Holy Pascha we are going to put men to the sword. But, I have oaths to fullfill. Not to mention if the infidel in the Mists win, they could threaten our homes.

Take heart my love, and believe that Christ will see us carry our banners to victory. But, if I fall then I ask that you pray for my soul. Take care of my daughters and look after my rabbit. If you get hungry you may eat him.

I will look after Hovannes and see that he eats enough. I know he is a bit young to follow me and the army so far a distance. But, these trials will make him stronger. With God's grace he will someday be a leader of men.

Know that I will always love you.

In Christ's service,

Leo Diogenes