Thursday, December 26, 2024

Rejection is the root

Someone on a comments section of a youtube video said the most profound thing I have heard in a while:

"My grief and sadness doesnt come from my childhood, it comes from all the trauma I have endured as an adult".

Maybe this is it!  

Christmas is a painful time for me, and no one (including me) seems to know why.  Yet when I delve into the shadows of memory what I always come to is how hard I worked to make Christmas a magical time, and how little my children seemed to appreciate it.  

I recall the highs of putting up the tree and singing songs, and I remember the air of disappointment after their gifts were opened.  Now I have the trauma of my adult children saying they never had a joyous Christmas.

My best wasnt good enough for them, in any way.  

The trauma of rejection.

Saturday, August 17, 2024

A wild god

Sometimes A Wild God...

Sometimes a wild god comes to the table.
He is awkward and does not know the ways
Of porcelain, of fork and mustard and silver.
His voice makes vinegar from wine.
When the wild god arrives at the door,
You will probably fear him.

He reminds you of something dark
That you might have dreamt,
Or the secret you do not wish to be shared.
He will not ring the doorbell;
Instead he scrapes with his fingers
Leaving blood on the paintwork,
Though primroses grow
In circles round his feet.

You do not want to let him in.
You are very busy.
It is late, or early, and besides…
You cannot look at him straight
Because he makes you want to cry.

The dog barks.
The wild god smiles,
Holds out his hand.
The dog licks his wounds
And leads him inside.

The wild god stands in your kitchen.
Ivy is taking over your sideboard;
Mistletoe has moved into the lampshades
And wrens have begun to sing
An old song in the mouth of your kettle.
‘I haven’t much,’ you say
And give him the worst of your food.

He sits at the table, bleeding.
He coughs up foxes.
There are otters in his eyes.
When your wife calls down,
You close the door and
Tell her it’s fine.
You will not let her see
The strange guest at your table.

The wild god asks for whiskey
And you pour a glass for him,
Then a glass for yourself.
Three snakes are beginning to nest
In your voicebox. You cough.
Oh, limitless space.
Oh, eternal mystery.
Oh, endless cycles of death and birth.
Oh, miracle of life.
Oh, the wondrous dance of it all.

You cough again,
Expectorate the snakes and
Water down the whiskey,
Wondering how you got so old
And where your passion went.

The wild god reaches into a bag
Made of moles and nightingale-skin.
He pulls out a two-reeded pipe,
Raises an eyebrow
And all the birds begin to sing.
The fox leaps into your eyes.
Otters rush from the darkness.
The snakes pour through your body.
Your dog howls and upstairs
Your wife both exults and weeps at once.

The wild god dances with your dog.
You dance with the sparrows.
A white stag pulls up a stool
And bellows hymns to enchantments.
A pelican leaps from chair to chair.
In the distance, warriors pour from their tombs.
Ancient gold grows like grass in the fields.
Everyone dreams the words to long-forgotten songs.

The hills echo and the grey stones ring
With laughter and madness and pain.
In the middle of the dance,
The house takes off from the ground.
Clouds climb through the windows;
Lightning pounds its fists on the table.
The moon leans in through the window.
The wild god points to your side.

You are bleeding heavily.
You have been bleeding for a long time,
Possibly since you were born.
There is a bear in the wound.
‘Why did you leave me to die?’
Asks the wild god and you say:

‘I was busy surviving.
The shops were all closed;
I didn’t know how. I’m sorry.’
Listen to them:
The fox in your neck and
The snakes in your arms and
The wren and the sparrow and the deer…
The great un-nameable beasts
In your liver and your kidneys and your heart…

There is a symphony of howling.
A cacophony of dissent.
The wild god nods his head and
You wake on the floor holding a knife,
A bottle and a handful of black fur.

Your dog is asleep on the table.
Your wife is stirring, far above.
Your cheeks are wet with tears;
Your mouth aches from laughter or shouting.
A black bear is sitting by the fire.

Sometimes a wild god comes to the table.
He is awkward and does not know the ways
Of porcelain, of fork and mustard and silver.
His voice makes vinegar from wine
And brings the dead to life.

~ Tom Hirons
http://tomhirons.com/poetry/sometimes-a-wild-god

Monday, May 13, 2024

Dreams of chains that once bound me.

I need to document a dream I had last night.

It involves a giant Church that I have dreamt about several times.  In previous incarnations it was the Hagia Sophia church in Istanbul.  I bought it for a ridiculously low price and had it transported to California.  Once it was reassembled, I crawled all through it exploring every hallway and hidy hole.  My feeling was that it isnt the wonder I always thought it was.  It was full of decay and dark secrets.

Fast forward to last night.  My middle daughter wanted me to take her to church.  So, we went back to the rebuilt Hagia Sophia while a liturgy service was being held.  The church had been painted and was full of cut flowers.  Priests and various celebrants were all over the place along with a few parishoners, some I knew from our time in the church.

I sat down with my daughter to witness the liturgy.  Soon, as group of very ugly monks along with a priest approached me and asked me to step outside.  I obliged them and once on the front steps they became very aggressive towards me saying I didnt belong there and that I had to leave.  I reminded them that I was the founder of this church and that I knew all its dirty secrets.  They stood back dumbfounded while the priest said that they would excommune me and conduct a ritual to have me removed as the founder of this church.

I stormed back in to look for my daughter and the church was empty.  The liturgy was over and everyone went into a back room, including my daughter.  I stood there and cried because somehow I knew I could never enter that back room to go find her.

Perhaps these are the scars of chains from an old life?  Once you bare their secrets you will never be welcome back no matter who you are.

Chilling