There's nothing like a walk in the woods to help me clear my head. Today my Son and I went to a place near here called Mott. It's the site of an old lumber town that's been long since abandoned. Now it's overgrown and people use it to dump garbage and old appliances. It's rather disgraceful to walk through the trash piles in the middle of the woods. It makes me ashamed of my fellow man. I thought about writing a grant to have the place cleaned up. However, I'm afraid that would mean a gate would be placed across the road to revent future dumping. It's such a nice place, I'd hate to limit access to honest people. It is such a same that a few lazy slobs have to ruin things for good people.

After passing the trash piles we hiked across the railroad tracks and found a nice place in the trees to sit and think. Somehow having my boy there is such a comfort to me. He's only 2 but he does so much to bolster my esteem. He looks to me for guidance and I am glad to be there to give it. He needs me and I swear I will be there for him, and be a better Father to him then my Father was to me.

Speaking of my Father... He wants me to go on a 4 X 4 excursion with him up in Oregon. I'm not so sure I want to go. It's like I said before, I'm leary of doing things on his turf. Not to mention, he refuses to let all my kids go with him on the trip. He doesn't understand that I feel guilty when I go someplace special without them. I am inclined to find an excuse not to go. We'll see what happens.

Well, the Doctor finally thinks he knows what's wrong with my shoulder. The arthrogram shows that I have a torn tendon. The good news is that I may be able to recover without surgery. The Doctor ordered me to do another month of physical therapy, then he will reevaluate me. Now things should get interesting because my former job has to decide if they want to take me back on modified duty based on what the doctor thinks I can do. I should find out by next week what they plan to do.

Today I feel a bit depressed because my oldest daughter got another deficency slip from school. I had thought that I motivated her enough last time. Now, I'm just broken hearted about the whole thing. I really don't know what to do. She's falling behind because she just doesn't do the work. It's not that she doesn't understand, it's because she's lazy. Now I'm faced with the task of pulling her out of cheerleading this summer. We already shelled out $50 bucks to enroll her, and we got my wifes boss to sponser her in the program. It seems like she is choosing to let everyone down.

As I write this I am watching "My side of the mountain" on TV. It brings me back to my childhood when I read the book. I used to dream of running off into the woods and living off the land. Yet when I look at myself now I am so far from that ideal. So far from what I wanted to be in life. Whether it's fate or God's will I don't know. But, I wonder how does a person reconcile such a thing. How do you live with yourself when you've given up on your dreams. Sure, I have new dreams now. But, each passing day I feel farther from the young man I was. So much has been lost. So many sins and wrongs have been done. I think the greatest gift God could give to a single man whould be to let him return to his youth to fix the errors of his past. It is sad that hindsight is the clearest.

I love giving the finger to the medical profession. Today I went to a dentist appointment at 2:30. I arrived at 2:15 and by 3pm I was still waiting. So, I asked for another appointment because I was busy. The secretary was a bit offended but, they have to understand that when I make an appointment I want to be seen at that time. There is some really screwy people in the medical profession, and I hate the whole process they put us through to get care. My next apointment is in 2 weeks. It'll be interesting to see if they treat me any different.

Last night my darling wife and I played a game of 40K. She fielded about 1000 pts of Dark Eldar against an equal force of my Iron Warriors. It was a good game, but she is very inexperienced and needs to learn the strategies associated with her army. Basically, she moved the troops that needed to stay in one place and she held back the ones that needed moving. She wants to make a few adjustments to her list and play again. I'm looking forward to it.

We're sitting around this week on pins and needles waiting to hear form the loan commitee about our business proposal. With the way things have been working I should just stop waiting for it and let it happen when it does.

Once in a while a statement is made by someone that leaps out at my and leads me into a time of reflection and contemplation. Someone at an SCA meeting I went to yesterday said that life is a series of snapshots... Or something like that. Anyway, while it's not that intriging of a statement it does lead me to think about my current life. Each day I feel the need to get out of the house and hike in the woods or go visit friends. First off... It makes writing in my blog much easier and more interesting. But, it also makes me enjoy life that much more. To be able to say I am doing something, instead of not much is going on, is invaluable when conversing with family and friends. Life is about experiences and stories one can tell when we are old men and women bouncing our grandchildren on our knees.

Speaking of grandparents(great segway eh?) my Aunt wrote me an email this weekend telling me she contacted my grandfather through a medium. At first I was taken back.. But, after thinking about it for a while I found it really interesting. She said my grandfather was a quiet and contemplative man. Somewhat of a poet and philospher. In fact, I have his diary in my possesion, but it's written in Armenian so I can't read it. Anyway, she said my grandfather apologized to her for not being more involved in her life. He died of a heart attack when she was very young. In reflecting of my own experience since my Mom died, I have come to realize that the dead do visit us from time to time. And I strongly believe that my grandfather has been here to see us. I hope what he sees he approves of. I have a driving goal in me to make my kids the top priority in my life. To see that they learn about the world and how to survive. I want them to live fullfilling lives content that they have a family that loves them. I want them to feel like they belong to something great... I will build the Kalayjian empire in this town. May those who have gone before us help us through their prayers and intercessions.

Went to see my Dad yesterday. It turned out as usual with me coming home all pissed off because of what he said or did. We went out in the boonies to see a jeep that was for sale. My Dad said it was in decent shape but, it was a junker. The owner admitted it had transmission trouble and he did not have the title. What a wasted trip. The whole way home all my Dad could talk about was how when I go back to work I can get one and work on it. It really aggravates me when he talks that way. To me there is more to life than just working all the time. But, he was a company man, married to his job. He knows nothing else. I realized that when I'm on my Dad's turf I am very guarded and quick to take offense at what he says. But, when he comes here I am more open and I enjoy his company. It think it all stems from the fact that my Dad was good to me when my Mom and I lived away from him. But, when we lived with him he abused me.

On Friday night we went and saw "Sum of all Fears". Great movie, highly recommend!!! Had a good plot line that kept you going throughout the entire movie. It is another Tom Clancy classic that will be up there with "Hunt for Red October". I think also in the wake of 9/11 it speaks to the inner fears that Americans have. But, I'm sure the Producers knew that. My only criticism of the movie was one off-hand comment made about Armenia.

Also on Friday night we had the most intense lightning storm we've had around here in a long while. It reminded me of the storms I'd see in Arizona. It was thrilling. I layed on the bed in my room with the lights off and the curtains open just to watch the spectacle. Again, it's the little things I missed when I moved away from this place. Mordor be damned!!!

I finally heard back from Tess this morning. She dared to imply that I am wrong about her. She said everything is fine. Of course, she still didn't say she was moving here. But, she seemed pretty upbeat in her email. She says she plans to call soon. Of course, even if she does I still won't know her plans just because I won't ask because of my oath. I expect to see her at the end of this month when she comes here for her family reunion.

One last thing... I finally got my hands on a lawnmower. I mowed the grass in the front yard, and plan to tackle the back yard in a couple days. It's nice to have a lawn that looks halfway decent. I'm sure my neighbors are happy about it too.