I have always searched for the words that described my love of railroading. Especially the steam era. Today I stumbled across an interesting quote that elequently describes my fascination;

It is no accident of circumstance that the most beautiful devisings and artifacts in the American record have all been associated with motion and movement, the transport of things and people all going somewhere else. In their final aspects and fullest development, they might be incredibly debased by the putrescences of progress and the indignities of improvement, but in their original concept, all agencies of travel and transport, even aircraft as represented by the free balloon, came trailing clouds of beauty and wonderment to the human spirit.

Lucius Beebe from "When Beauty Rode The Rails"

I know I will never instill, or even make understand my unbridaled passion for trains in others, especially my wife. In truth, I don't really understand it. There's just something about seeing 100 tons of locomotive rolling down the track and hearing the clatter of the wheels on the rails. Almost like an echo of my youth when I marveled at the rolling giants with innocent eyes.

I've made an important decision today. I've decided not to ever return to my old store here in Memphis. First off, I feel like I'm not wanted there. I have a hard time finding anyone to play a game with. Second, when I go there I find myself criticizing everyone and having a general bad attitude. Overall, I guess the place just brings me down. It's more trouble than its worth.

My lagging loneliness came to a head today. I still have no one to do anything with or even talk to besides my wife. I find myself calling my old friends way too much looking for morale support. Oh to just have someone to enjoy a beer with or talk about the weather with. What good are ideas when you have no one around to share them with. I just want to go fishing or to go for a hike. But, I have no friends here. No one I can trust. Like a ship adrift on the ocean.

Spoke to my Dad again today. It's always the same thing with him. First he asks me if everyone is okay. Then he asks me if I have a job yet. I love him greatly but I just wish he'd give me words of encouragement instead of tales of doom. Today he told me about a friend of his that lost her job, then her apartment, then her kids, now she's living in a barn behind someones house. Ugh, what is that supposed to do encourage me? Once he said things that made me feel good with hope for the future. Now, he's just hurting me and driving me into despair.

Like a ship adrift on the ocean...

Snow is on the ground everywhere back at home and I am stuck in warm, sultry weather here. I know it's a bit of a contradiction to statements I made earlier this year wishing for more summer. But, I do like seasons. Everyone here says they have them but I have yet to experience anything but Autumn.

I'm not badmouthing this place. It is nice here, despite all the development and bad traffic. Sadly, I think these people are hungry for money and progress but they don't realize that in a few years it turns to blight and they are left with another town that looks like any other suburb in America. It's too bad that the people who makes the decisions on zoning and such are the ones who usually profit the most from it. But, hey they are building jobs and besides, they live in posh custom homes outside of town, they don't have to live with the blight.

There I go again, hating the sinner and not the sin. God forgive me!

Lately, I've been doing next to nothing. Watching TV, reading, and surfing the net. Not even painting anymore. The only reasonable place I have to play is at the store and I really loath to go there. Anyway, I want to be more active and do things. I guess I just don't have the inspiration right now. No one around to go to appreciate the Civil War battlefields with me. I spoke earlier about wanting the make more out of my life. I think it's high time I did that.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Already we have a beacon of hope this year in the form of an update made on the Union Pacific Website regarding my application status. They accepted and updated my status for one of the positions I applied for. Now I know this like the previous update is a very minor sign and one which ultimately doesn't mean much. But, it it a whole lot better than being told your application has been rejected.

To my surprise this morning my wife went and updated her weblog. She hasn't done anything with the site for almost a year and a half. She says that she wants to begin writing again, which I heartily applaud.

Well, this is the last journal entry of 2003. I guess I could reflect a little on the past 364 days of this miserable year.

I guess It's safe to say that this was a time of many mistakes and foolish ventures. Much was lost and little was gained. All in all if I could talk to myself a year ago I'd say don't take the job with GW and don't leave Siskiyou County. But, I can't, and I'm stuck. I know it's in the divine plan for me to have came here. But, I fail to see why. It is beyond my wisdom. The same thing can be said for Mordor. Perhaps just like with Mordor I can now say that I have a much greater appreciation of "home".

On a brighter note I received a bit of justice from the Washington State Unemployment office this week. They released the results of the review of my recent termination from Games Workshop. It seems that the company contested my benefits because they say I was fired for misconduct. Well, the review board determined that while a company can terminate employment for any reason, in my case they found no evidence of misconduct. It's not really surprising because I didn't do anything wrong to lose my job. However, it's nice to be vindicated.

Im glad that this was all resolved before the first of the year. I don't want to carry any baggage beyond midnight tonight. That includes hard feelings or grudges. I just want to get on with my life and do my job of making a better world for these children.

I finally got to see "Gone with the Wind" on TV today. Much to my astonishment I really enjoyed it. Not because it was an epic centered around the Civil War but because the characters just brought the whole thing to life. I now know why everyone hates Scarlett O'Hara so much! I found her very frustrating. A great example of how stubborness will destroy you. Though in other ways I do sympathize with her. I know first hand how poverty will make you a hard person. It's just too bad we can't all be more like Melody.

Lately, I've been taking the blog thing to another level. I started reading other peoples blogs. I have a whole list bookmarked. Some of them are political, some are sexy, others are just boring. Overall I enjoy them because I enjoy observing other people and in a blog they reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings. I wish more people I knew would write a weblog. It is an excellent way to communicate to the world, and more importantly yourself. Just the other day after changing my journal format I went back and reread all my old entries from the past two years. It is interesting to read and reflect on what I struggled with a year ago.

Speaking of struggles... my whole ordeal looking for a job has had alot of ups and downs lately. Still no word from any of the companies I've applied for. But, I constantly look for hope in little things I come across. Yesterday I talked with my Armenian brother and he said many things to give me hope. Later, I talked with my Dad and he said things to frustrate me. Not that any of these are concrete things. I won't really have cause to rejoice until someone calls me. But, it's the subtle guile of the enemy that seeks to make me lose faith.