Thursday, July 06, 2023

A Fathers love for his child

Bella de Sophia

The first time I saw you, your face smiled at me from the bark of a mighty tree.

Your voice whispered to me a chorus of love through the leaves on the wind.

I was but a small boy at the time.  But I recognized your spirit even then.


Through my lonely life I remembered you.  

Always a murmur on the water, always a whisper on the wind.

The smell of jasmines somehow reminded me again and again.


When I held your tiny body, I knew.

Your first smile was like a hurricane of joy.

Your first words were like the sunlight on the trees.


As time marched on the world was like a hammer.

Its relentless blows turn joy to exhaustion and sadness.

It is a weight that you now know yourself.


I would shield you from this hurt if I could.

I would take this pain from you and bearer it myself if I could.

Perhaps now we can truly understand one another.


Understand how a grim weight will take a hopeful boy. 

Understand how a dark cloud will take a joyous girl.

and turn them into blind people who look down at their own feet.


I remember now your voice in the leaves.

I remember now your smile so relentless.

I would have all the days going forward be of joy and laughter.


Someday when I am but a memory.

You will see my face in the trees.

You will hear my voice whispering to you a chorus of love through the leaves on the wind.


May your memories be only of good things.

May you smell jasmines and be reminded of me.

May you hear my laughter on the voice of your grandchildren.


Be full of joy, for life is as good as you want it, and has hard as you allow it.

Be full of gratitude, for your life is a miracle and you are loved when many are not.

Be full of magic, for you have much to give to all those who see your light.


For my Sophia

I love you beyond these mere words.


Sunday, June 25, 2023

Why I am unemployable

I have this peculiar spirit inside me that whenever I get a new job, I feel like I am being crushed by the pedantic minutia of it all.  Working for someone else, being paid an insulting wage, to give my all to making their business work out for the best.  A few short weeks into any job and I start dreaming about quitting and starting my own business.  If I could ever manage to find a part-time job, or doing bit work, I might be happy.  But, sitting at a desk or a counter for a third of my day feels suffocating.

Right now, my wife and I are running our own business.  It is exhilarating and exhausting.  Some months we are rolling in money and see no end to the prosperity.  Other months we have no business and can't help but wonder if we are doing something wrong.

Right now, we are experiencing the latter.

It is a good time to get caught up on projects or on our reading and study.  But it also leaves a big pit of fear, worry and doubt churning in our bellies.

The Blame Game

 There is no way around this.  I blog when I am depressed and hopeless.  


I have only but a few people I can talk to, and when I reach out to them, I actually feel guilty.  Like I am barfing my insignificant grief and sadness onto someone that doesn't deserve it.  In short, I'm a burden.

My dear sister is one such unlucky person.  I am immensely grateful for her and her wise counsel.  My wife is another.  But I sometimes feel like my uncertainty puts doubt in fear into her.  It is as if she needs me to be strong all the time, and when I am not it shakes her foundations.

I want to run away from it all and start a new life.  This was the way that my dear mother thought, and she did it quite often.  We moved across the Western United States many times in my youth.  It made for a very hard and isolating life.  I don't want to inflict that pain on my wife.  We have worked so hard to establish our business and to make a good reputation for ourselves.  So, I guess running isn't an option.

My children are back to hating me again.  Today one of my daughters insulted me gravely after I yelled at my grandson for being destructive.  I sincerely apologized but she carried it one step further and went on about the usual song and dance of saying I was a horrible parent.  I had enough of the insidious exaggeration and outright lies about their childhood.  I clearly remember so many good and beautiful memories of my children, yet all they can seem to recall are the rough times we had.  It is as if their generation needs to play the victim and to outdo each other by saying how bad they had it.  Even going as far as to tell lies and make up bad memories.  It is as if I am dating a bad girlfriend.  Let me give you an example:

               "Hey you wrecked my car!!" - me

                "Yeah, well if you didn't spank me as a child then this wouldn't have happened" - them.

                "Hey, you stole money from me" - me

                "Yeah, well if you wouldn't have stood me in the corner for too long then this wouldn't have                     happened!" - them.

                "Hey, you can't disrespect me like that!" - them

                "Yeah, well if you would have taught me to take care of myself better then this wouldn't have                 happened!" - them.

Then there is the vague booking that inevitably happens on Facebook where they fish for sympathy by only giving one side of the story to the rest of their friends who do the same shit to their own parents.  It is a vicious circle of pain and torment.  They aren't looking for understanding or reconciliation, they just want drama and upset for its own sake.  It is called Emotional Vampirism.

Tuesday, May 02, 2023

Honesty

Okay, so Im going to say something very honest and very painful.  But I do need to get it off my chest.

Deep down I dont feel like I have a purpose anymore.  My kids and grown and gone.  My grandkids arent particularly interested in what I have to say.  In essence, I am lonely and a bit isolated.

This shadow work brought to you today by the letter "L".

That is all.

Saturday, April 22, 2023

Ecstacy of the wolf

I've been neglectful throughout my life in the pursuit of poetry.  I dont read it, I dont write it, I havent really appreciated it.  However, of late I have been doing a bit of soul searching and meditation.  I've been considering the things that give me solace and make me happy.  Beyond the obvious things like my wife and kids, I've come to remember that I love the calm of the night.  So, I decided to compose a poem to give my soul wings.  Don't laugh, this is literally the first poem I've ever written;

"Calmly and surely you sail across the sable sky.
your cool light caressing the souls above you fly.
My heart is calm and I feel your distant love.
like the face of our eternal mother embracing us from above.

You shined upon my ancestors, never in judgement or with scorn.
generations of my people.  You wept as their flesh was torn.
yet your tears fell as gentle beams of light
granting peace, solace, and love to us who pass by night.

Evil men with poisoned hearts, they don't look up to see your face
Instead they laugh and say your just a lifeless stone in space.
But we who are your children know in our hearts what's true
That you were here when we were born, and you'll be here when we are through.

Ancient galleon in the velvet sky, grant me healing as you pass by
Remind me always the gift that is my life.
Help me to forget the pain brought by evil
and the grief that is forged by strife.

Mother moon, hold me in your loving embrace
nurture me with your shining face.
as I dance and howl in your joyous light
I am reminded of your eternal love, in the wild woods at night."

"The Ecstasy of the Wolf"

Friday, March 17, 2023

Ode to the Alabaster Goddess

I saw you like a dream.
In your gowns of white.
shining through the gossamer clouds.
You are a memory of pure and ancient innocence.

We stand at your feet in awe.
Giving you our adoration and worship.
Yet, these things you do not demand or even desire.

You are a great and radiant Goddess.
Looking only for love and companions.
Calling for those who would stand at your forest walls and proclaim the glory of Mother Nature to a world that has forgotten.

We are your willing and eager servants.
We are your Druids here to speak of the magic and mysteries contained within this land.
We are your daughters and sons who have heard your whispers.

Hail to the black stones.
Hail to the howling winds.
Hail to the oak and the pines.
Hail to the waters so sweet.

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Brigits eve

The Crucifixion of Daddy

He was guilty of being too protective.
He lived in constant fear which gripped his days and nights.
The fear of losing control.  The fear of becoming unimportant.
The fear that his feral and panicked foresight would be ignored.
Like the boy who cried wolf when the wolf was really coming.
Like the blaring horn of a freight train that is ignored by the people on the tracks.
He hated society and the seductive message it gave his children.
He lived his life as a puritan.  Never showing you the pain of a drug addicted parent.  Never letting you see the alcoholic that lived inside of him.
He walked a narrow and lonely path.
But his heart was locked away from you.  His own pain rarely allowed him to show you the oceans of love he had for you.  You were a prisoner to all is fears.

Now, you look inside and taste the pain of your own fears.  You look upon your own children and quietly hate society for the seductive message it gives them.
Of course, you blame the distant and mysterious man who gave you nothing but warnings and coldness.

So, you cancel him.  You heap upon him all the blame for every failure and dark day you were forced to drink down.  He bears all of your "sins" because he lived the puritan life that you refuse to live.  He is the fitting sacrifice that promises to bring a brighter day in his absence.  So, you Crucified Daddy.

May this scape goat bring you joy and prosperity.

How much better will life be when there is finally no one to blame but yourself?

Dark Empath

9 Warning Signs of a Dark Empath (And All You Need to Know)
What if the narcissist and the empath are the same person? In this article we will talk about nine signs of a Dark Empath.
The narcissist-empath connection is frequently trod ground in popular articles and blogs. It is believed that selfish narcissists and sensitive empaths are deeply attracted to one another.
Empaths seek to save the narcissists while narcissists seek to use the empath for their own ends. It’s a vicious cycle that often leaves empathic individuals heartbroken and depleted.
Yet, there is a personality that combines the selfish traits of the narcissist with the emotional intelligence of the empath.
This type of person is known as a Dark Empath.
What Is a Dark Empath?
Research has revealed that the personality type of the dark empath has the dark triad of traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathic 
 tendencies.
Yet, Dark Empaths balance these traits with empathy for others and a self-awareness of their tendencies. This is a dangerous combination with a strong potential for manipulation.
What Are the Signs Someone Is a Dark Empath?
Dark Empaths are more adaptive than their narcissist counterparts — and much harder to identify. They blend into society easily and skate through life on their charm.
What follows are a few signs someone might be a Dark Empath.
1. They display heightened sensitivity
Narcissists are often well-versed in how to portray emotional sensitivity, and yet they possess a coldness beneath the surface. They can mimic emotions but not feel them. 
 
 Dark Empaths, however, actually possess heightened sensitivity. Their emotional intelligence is on par with fellow empaths. 
 
 Why, then, are they considered Dark Empaths as opposed to Empaths? 
 
 They have the full range of empathic emotions and an ability to experience the emotions of others — although experts are unsure if their emotional intelligence is cognitive, affective, or a combination of the two. 
 
 The key difference is how they use emotions. 
 
 Dark Empaths have real feelings but use their Dark Triad traits to manipulate others. 
 
 In fact, their very understanding of how other people feel makes it even easier for them to exercise control in their relationships.
2. Relationships revolve around their wants and needs
Dark Empaths’ highly manipulative and controlling nature often manifests in more subtle ways. 
 
 Take note: a relationship with one will likely revolve around their wants and needs to the exclusion of their partner’s. 
 
 If it seems that all “compromises” are stacked in their favor, it’s possible that they could be demonstrating the narcissistic side of their personality. 
 
 This side of their identity might be dismissed as immaturity when paired with their sensitivity. Some partners may simply lack the relational development to compromise in ways that suit both parties. 
 
 Pay attention to how often it happens and how they respond to being called out on any unfairness in the relationship. 
 
 If they continue to exert subtle control to keep the relationship in their favor, this might be a sign that they possess Dark Empath traits.
3. They have low self-worth
It’s interesting that a personality with strong narcissism can also display low self-worth. It’s certainly a paradox. 
 
 On the one hand, their egos can be enormous. Yet, they tend to need constant validation. 
 
 On the other hand, they are self-aware and emotionally intelligent enough to see their own manipulations and to consequently feel as if they are 
 unworthy of love or healthy relationships. 
 
 A negative self-perception often follows. 
 
 Narcissists often display grandiose ideas of themselves, but the Dark Empath will be more likely to have the strong ego paired with a lack of true self-esteem. 
 
 Don’t be surprised if they’re the ones who point out their flaws, as they are especially sensitive to them. 
 
 This low self-worth could have you dismissing them as being narcissists. Yet, if you pay careful attention, you’ll see that their actions still center their wants and needs in the same selfish way. 
 
 While they have the benefit of self-awareness and a conscience, they still possess a larger-than-life ego and sense of entitlement. 
 
 4. They struggle with their mental health
Because Dark Empaths understand the complexities of their own personality, they tend to struggle with anxiety and depression. 
 
 Their awareness of a tendency to manipulate and control others can war with their ability to feel and understand others’ emotions. 
 
 The balance between the Dark Triad traits and empathy can make it easier for them to make friends and establish relationships, but it can also make it harder to maintain them. 
 
 Keep in mind that although Dark Empaths are aware of their controlling tendencies, it doesn’t mean they’ll stop using them. Despite their emotional capabilities and self-awareness, they’ll likely continue manipulating others. 
 
 They often pair this with self-loathing and a negative self-perception that opens them up to a wide variety of mental health struggles. 
 
 5. They use your feelings against you
Their very sensitivity is what makes the Dark Empath so dangerous. Being able to tune into the emotions of others can be dangerous in the hands of an Empath with a dark side. 
 
 They’re likely to be prepared for your emotional reactions and to time their own actions accordingly. 
 
 It can leave many of us feel like we’ve been played like a violin — and we can be sure we have when a Dark Empath is involved. 
 
 They are skilled at being perfectly charming and getting their way without making a noticeable fuss. 
 
 In fact, it’s unlikely most of their victims will even realize they’ve been played for a fool until it’s far too late. 
 
 6. They have a dark sense of humor
Dark Empaths speak fluent sarcasm and tend to have a dark sense of humor. They are sometimes known to bully others or to have fun at someone else’s expense. 
 
 While their gallows humor often gets a laugh, it can be particularly cruel to anyone who finds themselves the butt of a Dark Empath’s joke. 
 
 Their sense of humor may initially be part of their charm. 
 
 Because they can make a cutting remark with a smile or laugh, many may not realize at first the vicious intent. It is often in retrospect that we realize that the joke was on us — never on them. 
 
 7. They are experts at using other people
Dark Empaths are perhaps even more skilled than narcissists at using other people. Because they are sensitive, they know intuitively exactly how to get others to do what they want. 
 
 They know exactly what to say and do to stay in control of the situation at all times. 
 
 Because the Dark Empath reads people so well, they can sense what others need and play the role that is best suited to getting what they want. 
 
 While they have deep emotions, they can lack sincerity when it comes to expressing them to others. Yet, their feeling and charm could mask any manipulation in play. 
 
 In fact, their need for control feeds their desire to understand people. Figuring out what makes people tick is essential to using them effectively. 
 
 Their people skills are extraordinary. They are capable of plying others with compliments, attention, and charm if it suits them to do so. 
 
 Because they see the big picture with all the subtle nuances that shade situations, they can alter their behavior to influence outcomes. 
 
 8. They guilt trip and gaslight you
While compliments and attention can get them far in life, Dark Empaths won’t hesitate to use guilt trips and gaslighting to stay in control. 
 
 Their emotional manipulations require that they keep you off balance and unwise to their behind-the-scenes machinations. 
 
 If you figure out what they’re doing, they’re more likely to question your sanity in a gaslighting attempt than to admit that you’ve caught them out. 
 
 Just as they’ll gaslight you to keep you in line, they’re equally likely to use a guilt trip and prey on your feelings for them. 
 
 Dark Empaths often use this strategy when they encounter boundaries in personal relationships. 
 
 A little emotional blackmail can go a long way when the Dark Empath is pulling the strings. 
 
 9. They keep an emotional distance
Despite their sensitivity, Dark Empaths are never completely vulnerable with others. They are, in fact, often emotionally unavailable in relationships. 
 
 The Dark Empath keeps a certain emotional distanceand disguise what they’re doing with energy and attention as necessary to maintain the status quo. 
 
 This can initially be difficult to see, especially when they’ve shown us their low self-worth or mental health struggles. 
 
 We may believe that they are being completely open, but most Dark Empaths are unlikely to fully disclose the extent of their control over relationships. 
 
 They’d much rather lead with charm, seduction, and more subtle manipulations than to bare their souls to anyone else. 
 
 Dark Empaths aren’t as aggressive as others who share Dark Triad traits, but they damage others in their own way. 
 
 While they may sometimes see their manipulations as harmless, their ongoing need for control can come with a sense of betrayal when partners discover the inequities in the relationship. 
 
 Because they can read the room, they’re capable of adapting to changing emotions — and even showing that they can change. 
 
 While their attempts at being on their best behavior can be convincing, you can never be sure if the Dark Empath has changed or is simply evolving to better achieve their own ends. 
 
 These personality types can often deplete true empaths at a level on par with pure narcissists. Having to question someone’s sincerity and motives can be exhausting. 
 
 ~ <3 ~ Crystal Jackson