Life marches on

My first grandson was born this past month.  Liam Joseph McCollough was born healthy and happy to my eldest daughter.  This is her second child.

I can't say much on how I feel about this.  We are taking care of Evangeline because her mother is still homeless and being scrutinized by CPS.  Angel cannot be around Liz's boyfriend because he has a past.  Makes it difficult to maintain a cohesive family.  But, since when has CPS cared about healthy families.

As for Liam, I am a little troubled.  He was not born with any of the tell tell "Armenian" traits, he looks like his father.  This was pointed out to me proudly by him, as if looking Armenian is somehow a flaw(needless to say I was offended by the suggestion).  I sense that his father leans towards a white supremacist attitude.  Which of course makes me wonder why he would want to date my daughter who looks decidedly Armenian.

The second thing that troubles me about Liam is that he was born with a large mound on the side of his head.  The doctors say it is blood from a burst vein and will go away on its own.  But, being already anxious about handling a newborn, I am especially scared concerning the mound.  As of this writing, I have yet to hold him.

Now, I can imagine that anyone reading this would think that I have no love or feeling for my grandson.  Rest assured, that is not the case at all.  I love him, with all of my heart, and I pray to God that he lives a good, and honorable life.

Frozen by fear

My greatest fear is working hard for something and having nothing to show for it.  This is my confession.  Sadly, I see this fear come to reality on a regular basis.  Whether I am working hard to build something fine, or investing time and energy into a relationship with people I respect.

I feel as though I have an unseen enemy that seeks to undo everything I do through nefarious means.  Until I get fed up with failure and just sit and do nothing.

Maybe nothing is my greatest ambition.

The burden of family

So, you refuse to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Now you have refused to honor me on Father's day. Respect and honor come at a price. One must dilligently earn the admiration of our friends and family each and every day. Clearly, we have not done enough to earn your respect and love.

No matter that we have stood by you your entire life. Loved you, protected you, guided you, and comforted you in hard times. This is not enough. No, your heart is clearly won by a sacrifice that we could not provide. So, we stand and unworthy and deficient in your eyes.

Take cheer, there will be no repurcussions. We will continue to love and cherish you for the whole of your life. We do this because we know that parents are not fully appreciated and respected until they have finally left this world. This is the foolish and selfish path you and the majority of our misbegotten race has set their feet upon.

Perspective

"And you bring me to my knees again All this time, that I can beg you please, yeah All the times that I felt insecure, yeah And I lift my burden out the door I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors 'Cause inside you're ugly You're ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you All this time that I felt like this won't end Was for you And I taste what I could never have It's from you All those times that I tried, my intention, full of pride And I waste more time than anyone All the times that I've cried All this wasted, it's all inside And I feel, all this pain, stuffed it down It's back again And I lie here in bed, all alone, I can't mend And I feel tomorrow will be okay I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors 'Cause inside you're ugly You're ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you" Staind - Outside So, I was listening to Pandora today and came across this song, that I had heard many times, but never really paid attention to the lyrics. Naturally, the song took on a different meaning when I finally did read them. In thinking about it I feel in many ways it explains how I feel about most people, especially the person that the last post on this blog is directed at. In truth, I have always felt like I am on the outside looking in. I feel divorced from social interaction, finding it to be illogical and at times frightening. I don't trust the human creature to be honest or sincere. That being said, often I feel I can look at someone and see their real side. Objective observation doesn't take long to reveal the ugly side of people. Perhaps I am deluding myself and being cynical about people instead of being open. Except that when I "read" someone who has pure, honest intentions it is like night and day. Rather it is like a cool breeze on a hot, stuffy day. The difference is stark. On that note, I have a friend that I have noticed seems to have a general disdain for anything innocent. In a recent conversation he described someone who was innocent about a certain subject as "nieve". Don't misunderstand, this isn't a snap judgement based on one conversation. This is an observation made over the course of decades culminating in a recent conversation. Anyway, I marvel at this perspective because nieve people are so easy to trust and enjoy, whereas one who is not has built sufficient guile to be dangerous. Perhaps overall this is what is wrong with our society, even the whole human condition. We have corrupted our way to an overabundance of guile with a deficit of innocence to balance it out.

The soft sound of letting go.

I tried hard to be your friend. To fit in with your world. To understand your strange style. I stood by your side and defended you against all comers. I saw in you and your family a reflection of myself ten years ago. I wanted to be the uncle to your children that mine never had. I wanted to be available to you and look after your family, like no one ever did for me. I wanted to give you the things that we were denied, friendship, patronage, and love.

Instead, you have used me. You took advantage of us. You took us for granted without offering true appreciation or even recognizing the sacrifice and love we offered.

You have dogged my words and chosen to take great offense at even the smallest of insults. If I was to judge your regards towards me by your actions and words, I would be forced to think that you despise me. You say that you are a reasonable and understanding person when you have failed countless times to empathize with me or to even lend any weight to the things that grieve me. Instead, every time you take the side of those that afflict me, implying that I am mistaken about my feelings. Never once can I recall you offering me comfort or sympathy. It is clear that I do not belong in your world, nor will you ever accept me in it, or even try to make room for me. Your hospitality is cold and aloof, and can only be regarded as false.

You stand accused of these crimes against me. I do not offer you a defense or a chance at rebuttal, because you have never offered me such a thing. All I will offer is my pathetic attempt at forgiveness. But, the truth is only God forgives cleanly.

Therefore, I am letting go. Can you hear it? Of course, I will be polite and courteous. But, I will guard my words and my affection. Because you cannot be trusted.

Let no man say that I was one to linger where I was not wanted. Good luck in your cold and barren little world.