I haven't been much in the mood for writing lately. The loss of hope is a dark and dire place and that is where I am about at. This weekend is Forgiveness Sunday and the start of Great Lent. But, I don't feel much like sacrificing myself through fasting. I think I am at the lowest level I've been since I left Mordor.

My wife's Mom finally sold her house and I leave for Florida next week to help her move here. It'll be good to have her around to help out with the bills, and the kids. But, I'm kinda dreading the tension that may move in as well. I like her Mom but she has a way of being inconsiderate of others feelings. I suspect I'll spend more time in my room then I do now.

A side effect of Donna's mom coming here is of course the elimination of our plans to move back home. My wife is plenty happy about that I'm sure. However, I am finding myself deeply sad that we are not returning. My wife accused me of such a feeling early on and I denied it. Now, it seems she was right. I wasted 8 years of my life living in Mordor. Now, it seems I'll waste more of my life living in a place that I don't want to be in. Who says we are all free people? I am not.

Adding to my grief over the current state of affairs I had a very disturbing conversation with my Father's girlfriend this afternoon. I made my usual weekly call to him and she answered the cell phone. She told me that she had the phone because she was expecting an important call. She said, and I quote "Your father and I are visiting our son"... Huh? What? er? I had to concentrate and decide if what I heard was a mistake or not. Their Son? My Dad's current girlfriend moved in with him within the past few years. However, when I was just a baby my Mom divorced my Dad because she suspected that he had an affair with her. Now, if my ears don't deceive me, they have a child together... My brother!?!?! I'm 33 frickin years old!!! I suddenly find I have a sibling. This can't be possible!! Could my Dad have kept this secret from me all these years? Do my Sisters know? Did my Mom know? Does he have the same name as me? Both my Dad and his girlfriend were in Mordor when I called. Does that mean my "brother" lives in Mordor? How long has he lived there? Does he know about me? Was he there when I was? Did he hear me on the radio? This is maddening!!!! I pray to God it is a horrible mistake. The worst part is that if I ask my Dad and he says yes then I have to confront years of living a lie. If he says no then I have to ask myself "is he lying?". My Dad is no stranger to telling lies. He has taken great steps, for reasons unbeknownst to me, to hide his past from me. What do I do? I am numb with agony.

Poetry rarely moves me, but this one did:

The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry

When despair in the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my
children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water and the
great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with
forethought of grief.
I come into the presence of
still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting their light.
For a time I rest in the grace of the world
and am free.

It snowed here on Sunday!!! I couldn't believe it!! It was about an inch but it was real snow. The kids got to play around and build some snow men. The best part is, it got really quiet around here. All the locals didn't dare drive anywhere so the roads were abandoned. No traffic noise. I love snow. Of course, on the down side we lost our cable and internet service. It took the idiots at Time Warner until today to figure out that the line was down.

No word on anything yet. I've basically given up. We have set a deadline for "something" to happen here before we give up and start the wagon train back to California. I only have 7 weeks left of unemployment and we would be a lot better off back at home. Besides, I can start my unemployment benefits over again in California and have a much better chance at finding a job. It just seems that all the decent paying jobs here have so much competition for them. The job market locally is lousy and all I can seem to find are service industry jobs that pay minimum wage. Which of course is only $4.25 an hour here. I don't know how people make a living!!

If we end up going back I have it planned out fairly well. I still have to look into a few things first. I'll be doing that over the next few days. I'm not giving up on living here but it's best to be prepared. Our deadline is the end of this month.

I think the worst part of this situation is that my wife is loath to leave here and I think she is desperate to find a way to stay. She's been exploring all manner of scenarios on how we can stay. She's got some good ideas but, I don't have much faith in our prospects. I like the idea of going back to school but frankly it would be easier for us to do that back in Siskiyou. Regardless, we have two weeks to see what happens. As I've said before many times... It's in God's hands now.

It's quiz time again:

This one is just... eerie!


Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
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Lord of the Rings!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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Nailed this one.


Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
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Last one;


Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and
sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if?
With a clever mind, you want to explore the
world on a different level. Without the
answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are
most likely very creative and find yourself
thinking things through on a different level.
(please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
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Whew!!! Glad I got these out of my system. These quizzes can be pretty lame sometimes. Other times they seem the hit the nail on the head. Overall, I think their kinda like horoscopes, which I never lent any credence to.