Sometimes I really hate myself. I hate how my pride forces me to act in certain situations, and how my lack of confidence forces me to act like an idiot in other situations.
Often, I think that I really just hate my own personality and wish I could withdraw into an austere, unapproachable person. In fact, sometimes I really like myself when I am in such a mode. No stupid jokes, no idiotic witicisms. Just quiet and observational as I have always been.
Perhaps one would say that I am reclusive in order to hide my insecurities. I would say that is exactly the case. I have a real fear of rejection stemming from my childhood. Its just easier to keep others at bay, to watch them from a distance. Maybe even to live through them without the danger of being rejected.
I guess that this all comes from feeling kinda down lately. Worried that people who are in my life will reject me or turn against me because of the weight I feel on my soul. Perhaps they will see through my thin veil of humor and lightheartedness into the lonely, sad little boy that I really am.
When I was a kid I dreamed of living deep in the forest like a mountain man, or a hermit. Where the wind and the animals are my only company. They don't see, or even care about the insecurity in me. I still dream that impossible dream. Of running and leaving everything, including myself, behind.
I guess thats what this blog is about. No one who really cares for me reads it, so they don't really know my inner feelings. Its just between me, the keyboard, and about a million other people who might just happen to stumble upon one of my many rants.
