Wednesday, October 14, 2026

Werewolf

"There's a dark side runnin' 'round in meKids see shit that kids shouldn't seeThere's a shadow I wearEverywhere I amLike the roots of a tree wrapped around an old coffee can

And I've square danced with demonsAnd they've stepped on my feetI ain't up here sayin' I've made peace with the beastBut I threw him in a cage the best that I couldAnd I know he's still thereBut I'm no longer scared of the werewolf, werewolf

I've tried to tame him with Jesus and Jim BeamThought I needed him around to defend meAnd I see the sun through the leaves and hope up aheadBut moons still get full, so I ain't out of the woods quite yet"

Stephen Wilson Jr -- "Werewolf"

Sunday, May 04, 2025

Tolkien

Under the Mountain, dark and tall
The King has come, into his hall
The foe is dead, our kin of dread
and ever so his foes shall fall.

Thursday, December 26, 2024

Rejection is the root

Someone on a comments section of a youtube video said the most profound thing I have heard in a while:

"My grief and sadness doesnt come from my childhood, it comes from all the trauma I have endured as an adult".

Maybe this is it!  

Christmas is a painful time for me, and no one (including me) seems to know why.  Yet when I delve into the shadows of memory what I always come to is how hard I worked to make Christmas a magical time, and how little my children seemed to appreciate it.  

I recall the highs of putting up the tree and singing songs, and I remember the air of disappointment after their gifts were opened.  Now I have the trauma of my adult children saying they never had a joyous Christmas.

My best wasnt good enough for them, in any way.  

The trauma of rejection.

Saturday, August 17, 2024

A wild god

Sometimes A Wild God...

Sometimes a wild god comes to the table.
He is awkward and does not know the ways
Of porcelain, of fork and mustard and silver.
His voice makes vinegar from wine.
When the wild god arrives at the door,
You will probably fear him.

He reminds you of something dark
That you might have dreamt,
Or the secret you do not wish to be shared.
He will not ring the doorbell;
Instead he scrapes with his fingers
Leaving blood on the paintwork,
Though primroses grow
In circles round his feet.

You do not want to let him in.
You are very busy.
It is late, or early, and besides…
You cannot look at him straight
Because he makes you want to cry.

The dog barks.
The wild god smiles,
Holds out his hand.
The dog licks his wounds
And leads him inside.

The wild god stands in your kitchen.
Ivy is taking over your sideboard;
Mistletoe has moved into the lampshades
And wrens have begun to sing
An old song in the mouth of your kettle.
‘I haven’t much,’ you say
And give him the worst of your food.

He sits at the table, bleeding.
He coughs up foxes.
There are otters in his eyes.
When your wife calls down,
You close the door and
Tell her it’s fine.
You will not let her see
The strange guest at your table.

The wild god asks for whiskey
And you pour a glass for him,
Then a glass for yourself.
Three snakes are beginning to nest
In your voicebox. You cough.
Oh, limitless space.
Oh, eternal mystery.
Oh, endless cycles of death and birth.
Oh, miracle of life.
Oh, the wondrous dance of it all.

You cough again,
Expectorate the snakes and
Water down the whiskey,
Wondering how you got so old
And where your passion went.

The wild god reaches into a bag
Made of moles and nightingale-skin.
He pulls out a two-reeded pipe,
Raises an eyebrow
And all the birds begin to sing.
The fox leaps into your eyes.
Otters rush from the darkness.
The snakes pour through your body.
Your dog howls and upstairs
Your wife both exults and weeps at once.

The wild god dances with your dog.
You dance with the sparrows.
A white stag pulls up a stool
And bellows hymns to enchantments.
A pelican leaps from chair to chair.
In the distance, warriors pour from their tombs.
Ancient gold grows like grass in the fields.
Everyone dreams the words to long-forgotten songs.

The hills echo and the grey stones ring
With laughter and madness and pain.
In the middle of the dance,
The house takes off from the ground.
Clouds climb through the windows;
Lightning pounds its fists on the table.
The moon leans in through the window.
The wild god points to your side.

You are bleeding heavily.
You have been bleeding for a long time,
Possibly since you were born.
There is a bear in the wound.
‘Why did you leave me to die?’
Asks the wild god and you say:

‘I was busy surviving.
The shops were all closed;
I didn’t know how. I’m sorry.’
Listen to them:
The fox in your neck and
The snakes in your arms and
The wren and the sparrow and the deer…
The great un-nameable beasts
In your liver and your kidneys and your heart…

There is a symphony of howling.
A cacophony of dissent.
The wild god nods his head and
You wake on the floor holding a knife,
A bottle and a handful of black fur.

Your dog is asleep on the table.
Your wife is stirring, far above.
Your cheeks are wet with tears;
Your mouth aches from laughter or shouting.
A black bear is sitting by the fire.

Sometimes a wild god comes to the table.
He is awkward and does not know the ways
Of porcelain, of fork and mustard and silver.
His voice makes vinegar from wine
And brings the dead to life.

~ Tom Hirons
http://tomhirons.com/poetry/sometimes-a-wild-god

Monday, May 13, 2024

Dreams of chains that once bound me.

I need to document a dream I had last night.

It involves a giant Church that I have dreamt about several times.  In previous incarnations it was the Hagia Sophia church in Istanbul.  I bought it for a ridiculously low price and had it transported to California.  Once it was reassembled, I crawled all through it exploring every hallway and hidy hole.  My feeling was that it isnt the wonder I always thought it was.  It was full of decay and dark secrets.

Fast forward to last night.  My middle daughter wanted me to take her to church.  So, we went back to the rebuilt Hagia Sophia while a liturgy service was being held.  The church had been painted and was full of cut flowers.  Priests and various celebrants were all over the place along with a few parishoners, some I knew from our time in the church.

I sat down with my daughter to witness the liturgy.  Soon, as group of very ugly monks along with a priest approached me and asked me to step outside.  I obliged them and once on the front steps they became very aggressive towards me saying I didnt belong there and that I had to leave.  I reminded them that I was the founder of this church and that I knew all its dirty secrets.  They stood back dumbfounded while the priest said that they would excommune me and conduct a ritual to have me removed as the founder of this church.

I stormed back in to look for my daughter and the church was empty.  The liturgy was over and everyone went into a back room, including my daughter.  I stood there and cried because somehow I knew I could never enter that back room to go find her.

Perhaps these are the scars of chains from an old life?  Once you bare their secrets you will never be welcome back no matter who you are.

Chilling

Thursday, July 06, 2023

A Fathers love for his child

Bella de Sophia

The first time I saw you, your face smiled at me from the bark of a mighty tree.

Your voice whispered to me a chorus of love through the leaves on the wind.

I was but a small boy at the time.  But I recognized your spirit even then.


Through my lonely life I remembered you.  

Always a murmur on the water, always a whisper on the wind.

The smell of jasmines somehow reminded me again and again.


When I held your tiny body, I knew.

Your first smile was like a hurricane of joy.

Your first words were like the sunlight on the trees.


As time marched on the world was like a hammer.

Its relentless blows turn joy to exhaustion and sadness.

It is a weight that you now know yourself.


I would shield you from this hurt if I could.

I would take this pain from you and bearer it myself if I could.

Perhaps now we can truly understand one another.


Understand how a grim weight will take a hopeful boy. 

Understand how a dark cloud will take a joyous girl.

and turn them into blind people who look down at their own feet.


I remember now your voice in the leaves.

I remember now your smile so relentless.

I would have all the days going forward be of joy and laughter.


Someday when I am but a memory.

You will see my face in the trees.

You will hear my voice whispering to you a chorus of love through the leaves on the wind.


May your memories be only of good things.

May you smell jasmines and be reminded of me.

May you hear my laughter on the voice of your grandchildren.


Be full of joy, for life is as good as you want it, and has hard as you allow it.

Be full of gratitude, for your life is a miracle and you are loved when many are not.

Be full of magic, for you have much to give to all those who see your light.


For my Sophia

I love you beyond these mere words.


Sunday, June 25, 2023

Why I am unemployable

I have this peculiar spirit inside me that whenever I get a new job, I feel like I am being crushed by the pedantic minutia of it all.  Working for someone else, being paid an insulting wage, to give my all to making their business work out for the best.  A few short weeks into any job and I start dreaming about quitting and starting my own business.  If I could ever manage to find a part-time job, or doing bit work, I might be happy.  But, sitting at a desk or a counter for a third of my day feels suffocating.

Right now, my wife and I are running our own business.  It is exhilarating and exhausting.  Some months we are rolling in money and see no end to the prosperity.  Other months we have no business and can't help but wonder if we are doing something wrong.

Right now, we are experiencing the latter.

It is a good time to get caught up on projects or on our reading and study.  But it also leaves a big pit of fear, worry and doubt churning in our bellies.

The Blame Game

 There is no way around this.  I blog when I am depressed and hopeless.  


I have only but a few people I can talk to, and when I reach out to them, I actually feel guilty.  Like I am barfing my insignificant grief and sadness onto someone that doesn't deserve it.  In short, I'm a burden.

My dear sister is one such unlucky person.  I am immensely grateful for her and her wise counsel.  My wife is another.  But I sometimes feel like my uncertainty puts doubt in fear into her.  It is as if she needs me to be strong all the time, and when I am not it shakes her foundations.

I want to run away from it all and start a new life.  This was the way that my dear mother thought, and she did it quite often.  We moved across the Western United States many times in my youth.  It made for a very hard and isolating life.  I don't want to inflict that pain on my wife.  We have worked so hard to establish our business and to make a good reputation for ourselves.  So, I guess running isn't an option.

My children are back to hating me again.  Today one of my daughters insulted me gravely after I yelled at my grandson for being destructive.  I sincerely apologized but she carried it one step further and went on about the usual song and dance of saying I was a horrible parent.  I had enough of the insidious exaggeration and outright lies about their childhood.  I clearly remember so many good and beautiful memories of my children, yet all they can seem to recall are the rough times we had.  It is as if their generation needs to play the victim and to outdo each other by saying how bad they had it.  Even going as far as to tell lies and make up bad memories.  It is as if I am dating a bad girlfriend.  Let me give you an example:

               "Hey you wrecked my car!!" - me

                "Yeah, well if you didn't spank me as a child then this wouldn't have happened" - them.

                "Hey, you stole money from me" - me

                "Yeah, well if you wouldn't have stood me in the corner for too long then this wouldn't have                     happened!" - them.

                "Hey, you can't disrespect me like that!" - them

                "Yeah, well if you would have taught me to take care of myself better then this wouldn't have                 happened!" - them.

Then there is the vague booking that inevitably happens on Facebook where they fish for sympathy by only giving one side of the story to the rest of their friends who do the same shit to their own parents.  It is a vicious circle of pain and torment.  They aren't looking for understanding or reconciliation, they just want drama and upset for its own sake.  It is called Emotional Vampirism.

Tuesday, May 02, 2023

Honesty

Okay, so Im going to say something very honest and very painful.  But I do need to get it off my chest.

Deep down I dont feel like I have a purpose anymore.  My kids and grown and gone.  My grandkids arent particularly interested in what I have to say.  In essence, I am lonely and a bit isolated.

This shadow work brought to you today by the letter "L".

That is all.

Saturday, April 22, 2023

Ecstacy of the wolf

I've been neglectful throughout my life in the pursuit of poetry.  I dont read it, I dont write it, I havent really appreciated it.  However, of late I have been doing a bit of soul searching and meditation.  I've been considering the things that give me solace and make me happy.  Beyond the obvious things like my wife and kids, I've come to remember that I love the calm of the night.  So, I decided to compose a poem to give my soul wings.  Don't laugh, this is literally the first poem I've ever written;

"Calmly and surely you sail across the sable sky.
your cool light caressing the souls above you fly.
My heart is calm and I feel your distant love.
like the face of our eternal mother embracing us from above.

You shined upon my ancestors, never in judgement or with scorn.
generations of my people.  You wept as their flesh was torn.
yet your tears fell as gentle beams of light
granting peace, solace, and love to us who pass by night.

Evil men with poisoned hearts, they don't look up to see your face
Instead they laugh and say your just a lifeless stone in space.
But we who are your children know in our hearts what's true
That you were here when we were born, and you'll be here when we are through.

Ancient galleon in the velvet sky, grant me healing as you pass by
Remind me always the gift that is my life.
Help me to forget the pain brought by evil
and the grief that is forged by strife.

Mother moon, hold me in your loving embrace
nurture me with your shining face.
as I dance and howl in your joyous light
I am reminded of your eternal love, in the wild woods at night."

"The Ecstasy of the Wolf"