I spent all day today daydreaming how I could possibly get us back to Siskiyou County and make a living there. I thought of us just going and throwing our fortune to the wind. But, I know in this world that is how bad things happen. Gone are the days of human migrations.

I wonder a lot why we have to live in such a complex world. Computers, fast cars, mortgages, mutual funds, etc. What is it all for? To make us a little more comfortable? What does our system of things really do for us? It protects us from one another I guess. Makes it so the weak aren't unduly picked on by the strong. But, then again don't we have that anyway? With the tort system it seems anyone with money also has the power to destroy another at least financially. Perhaps that's fair... Maybe it's just a way for the smart people to get revenge on the strong people for all the times in history that force prevailed.

Still, a simpler life would be preferable to me. And in my belief it is a life we are supposed to live. Where instead of exercising 30 short minutes on the newest fitness machine you actually go out to chop wood, or fetch water, etc etc... Our bodies are designed to get up and move around. Not shuffle papers or sit in front of a computer all day. Of course, I say this after sitting in front of the computer all day. My hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Happy Valentines day everyone.

It's funny how listening to music puts me in the mood to write in this journal.

I've been playing some of the old songs we used to listen to. Duran Duran, Guns and Roses, Billy Idol, the list goes on. They remind me of a simpler time when we were younger and living in Dunsmuir by the river. Summers of tubin' on the river and playing role playing games all weekend long. I was so active back then, so energetic. I'd walk for miles just for the heck of it. Not anything like the fat and lazy bum I am 10 years later.

I want to be more active and recapture that time. To show my kids what it's like to stroll through the woods. To retreat to a place far from anyone and listen to only the orchestra of the wilds. A year ago when we lived in Mt Shasta I think I was on the verge of finding that again. But, here... I just can't seem to find it. The land is so flat that anywhere you go all you can hear is the roar of the highway.

Been thinking about Tess tonight to. Though I don't think I mentioned it in this journal we rekindled our friendship a few months back. She is like a roller coaster sometimes. We can tell when she is upset in her current relationship because she talks about moving away and everything. But, then there are times we don't hear from her for a long time and then we get a letter telling us about her whirlwind vacations she's taken with her beau. I don't begrudge her swings. In fact, in many ways I relish them. I care for Tess alot and I am happy that she has found the secure, middle-class lifestyle that she deserves.

I've decided to not pursue the job with BNSF police. I'm done with law enforcement, and I just don't feel like enduring the whole "inquisitional" process you have to go through to get a cop job. Besides, I'm starting to wrap my mind around the idea of going back to school. The wife agrees with me that it would be good for both of us to finish our education. We have an appointment next week to visit Mississippi State University, Ole Miss. Sure we'd have to take out student loans and grants to make ends meet. But, between the two of us it is possible. If I ever want to find the secure, middle-class lifestyle I deserve I have to do this.

Perhaps this drifting ship sees a star on the horizon after all.

I spoke to the guy in California today about the "special agent" job. I told him that my police certification has since lapsed because I haven't worked in Law Enforcement for over 3 years. He said that was all right and that if they wanted to hire me I could get recertified. However, in the next breath he said he has a some very qualified applicants and that flying out to California for an interview might not be in my best interest. Basically, he said that flying out would not guarantee me a job. That's understandable. But, now I have to decide if I should pursue this. My gut tells me its a dead end. I've gone through the ordeal of looking for cop jobs many times before, and it is always a turmultuous process.

I've been at odds with the wife for a couple days now. Of course, it's over the only thing we fight about... Money. I asked her last week to keep a tight reign on the bank account and watch our spending. Well, $130 in overdraft charges later I'm left wondering why she didn't stay on top of it. It's not all her fault. I spent money too. But, with the pittance that I'm receiving on unemployment we can't afford to lose money to stupid mistakes. I just hope she learns a lesson and stays on top of the account from now on.

Lastly, our Priest came to the house this afternoon and did our annual house blessing. It's usually done just after Christmas, but he's had a lot of homes to do. Fr. John is very good with the kids and is genuinely concerned with what happens to us. He is a good man and a pleasure to deal with. I wish I could get to know him better but, I'm glad we are somewhat distant. I think it is best to keep things professional with your priest. I was once very good friends with our priest who was also my spiritual Father. When things went sour between us it affected me deeply. In fact, it drove me out of the Church for several years. I'm just thankful that we found it again.

Today I got an unlikely invitation for an interview. It's for a railroad in California and it is for a "special agent" position. Basically, they want someone to investigate crimes against the railroad and the like. I dunno how much it pays but I know it's in the city of Richmond in the San Francisco bay area. I have alot of apprehensions about the job because it is going back into police work. I thought I left that behind. Still, I did apply for it(perhaps in desperation). I'm due to go to the Bay area on the 25th of this month for an interview. I'll keep you posted.

Another unlikely job proposal came my way today in addition to the above mentioned. The human resources person for GW invited me to apply again. She wouldn't answer my questions whether I would be seriously considered or not. She just said "you are more than welcome to apply". On one hand I don't think she would say that if there was no chance, but my suspicious side thinks she's only saying that because by law she can't discourage me from applying. What do you think?

Prior to all this hubub I was despairing quite a bit. Looking at my life and trying to decide what I want to do. Find a flunky job locally or keep plugging away at companies around the nation. I have about 8 weeks left on my unemployment. So, it kinda feels like time is running out for the miracle that I want.

I looked into going back to school. It does appeal to me, and a bachleors degree would open alot of doors. But, I just don't see how we can live like we are for another 2 years. I even considered law school but, that is another 2 years on top of the bachleors degree. I want to go somewhere ith my life but, the price might be too high. I have to do some serious soul searching and praying.

Like a ship set adrift on the sea...

After spending almost $200 that I can't spare, the computer is back home and running like a champ. It seems that my daughter downloaded a couple music video files with the virus "MyDoom" on it. Before we knew what happened our Antivirus program was disabled and we were on the slow decline into system failure.

Still no word on any freakin job I applied for. It's like I'm invisible or something. I halfway expected UP to have a response but there was no change. GRRRRRR!!!!

Today is my Dad's birthday. He's older than the hills. Called him up and he was in Mordor visiting my Aunt. I'm sure glad he keeps himself busy with travel and such. I'm afraid he'd croak if he became a homebody.

Well, my wife finally conviced me to go to the doctor on Monday. My pain and discomfort just got too much for me. So much so that I started having visions of my own mortality. Ends up the doctor tells me I have a urinary tract infection and all my lymph nodes in my body are very swollen(hence the discomfort). I must say I felt alot better and relieved that it was something relatively minor. I really despise clinics, hospitals, doctors offices and the like. My disdain was fully revealed when they went to draw my blood. Two vials full and I was ready to pass out. The nurse thought I was a psycho or something.

Well, back to my job search, I got a letter back from GW regarding a few questions I had. Basically, I was wondering if they would have me back in a different position. I was pleased to find out that they would let my apply and be considered. However, I would be brought in as a external hire, and there would be no relocation funds available for me. As much as the proposal appeals to me I'm gonna wait a bit longer before I do that. I still love GW and wish I could work for them. But, I need a bit more time I guess.