Happy freakin holidays

No matter what I do I just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Maybe its this recent bout of depression I've been dealing with.

So, our house has been refinanced. Everyone we owe money to has been paid off. But, a monumentous event such as this is shadowed by looming problems. First off, somewhere in the storm of paperwork we ended up agreeing to making our first payment in January. However, In the original agreement our payment was in February. So, if the greedy, heartless financiers decide to collect next month then it appears that our first payement will be late.

So, then my wife is going back to school in January and she is getting a full line of grants. However, someone in their wisdom decided that grades for last semester wont be posted until after school starts next month. So, everyone on financial aid will have to wait until almost February to receive any money.

Lastly, its always a boon to us to get back our taxes. However, this year might be a mess because of the business and the increased value of our house.

Isn't it always the way... the worries of the world overshadow the joy of a spiritual holiday.

The greediest season

It is true that the holiday season often brings out the best in people. Charity and good works often abound and people seem to relax a bit more.

But, if there is ever any doubt in your mind who is in charge of this world let me tell you right now that it is the ruinous powers of hell. Of course, their number one agent in this world, the corporation, goes to work extra hard this time of year to ensure that attention is diverted from the true meaning of the holidays, the birth of Christ.

Case in point... bill collectors start working overtime this time of year to get their money. In the past two weeks we have had collection agencies calling us about bills from ages ago. Most even from before our bankruptcy. This is a trend for us every year. Why in December do they do this? Do they think that we all have extra Christmas money that we can divert into their coffers?

Also, the commercialization of this season is daemonic. My kids are more concerned about how many presents they are getting then what they are getting presents for. We took them to Walmart and they went wild. It's not just our kids but everyones. Television and the media make it hard for their little minds to not be greedy and selfish. They paint a picture of a world where everyone has a wealth of comfort and possession but them. That their own family and life is somehow below what the normal is. When was the last time in a television show you saw a child do daily chores, or go without something they think they need?

To this end we have decided to go back to our tradition of celebrating Nativity in January. There will be no misconceptions of what the holiday is about. It is the birth of our Lord and we will celebrate it as a birthday.

Patience... comedy of the heavens

Sometimes it seems that my life is nothing but a waiting game. Always I find myself waiting on someone who either doesn't care or doesn't know how to do something.

Case in point... Almost three weeks ago we signed papers for the refinance on our house. Two weeks ago today we were supposed to receive about $1,000 from the deal to buy a nice Christmas for our family. As of yet, we have nothing. All because people don't want to return phone calls or don't know what to do. So they do nothing and time drags on.

Its comical because finance companies and their satellites are so quick to jump when I am late on a payment.

Lazy blogger

Wow, another two months go by before I write in this thing again. Sorry for the pauses, I'm just being lazy. Seems like ever since I started doing online gaming every creative activity in my life has fallen by the wayside.

The wife went off to Florida this week. Shes been gone four days and I miss her alot. I'm basically here with the kids and little money to do anything. So, I'm counting the days until she gets home. Dont get me wrong, I am very happy for my wife... This is a vacation that she deserves.

As an update, all the hell with my oldest daughter and Child Protective Services is pretty much on the wane. Its like they finally decided that nothing is going on here and that our family is painfully normal. So, they drop us like a hot potatoe. Oh well, good riddence I guess.

Lastly, I am neck deep in working to get our house refinanced. I think everything is finally sorted out. But its been a nervewracking process. Thanks be to the grace of God that the light is at the end of the tunnel.

Looking back on things for us... the last 3 years have really been terrible. Granted we moved home and bought a house. But, we have not been able to slow down and enjoy life at all. Worstly, we haven't done anything in that time that really brings us joy, like camping, SCA events, travelling, etc. I hope that next year breaks that cycle.

disappointment

Well, my oldest is home now. The drama around here is making life hard. I wish she could pull her head out of her ass and see how her selfish attitude affects everyone around her.

My friend Bubba went back on a bet we made last January. We started a beard growing contest with the winner getting $100. Oct 1st was the judging deadling(today), and it is clear that I am the winner. However, he went back on his word and claimed that he didn't remember making any bet and that I was making it up to irritate him. So much for honor. It hurts alot simply because last year we made an agreement to buy a car from him. we paid him $300 up front, and took the car which broke down, through no fault of our own, about a week later. So, a month later, still without a car, we shelled out another $600 to him as part of our agreement. Not a written agreement mind you but a word of honor agreement. I guess it only goes one way.

Going back on posts written over the past few months it is clear that I have concentrated on the negative things in my life. Seems that gone are the days where I am thanking God for good times and joyous occasions. I hope know one thinks that I have turned my back on God or lost any of my piety. Its just simply that the good times here on the farm have been quite scarce lately. With everything that is going on it is hard to take time out to enjoy the flowers or have a good laugh. I dont think I've laughed in a while.

Oh Lord, when will our enemies be scattered and when will we see joy again. We wait upon you patiently.

Despair

My posts are getting worse I know. When I write in this journal I have always spoke what was on my heart at the time. Right now my heart is tired and I feel like I am under siege.

I continue to wonder what we have done to deserve this level of grief. Perhaps it is as my wife puts it, deserve has nothing to do with it.

At the root, I think, is the feeling of who do you trust.

Who do you trust?

Divine Expections

I find it ridiculous that a government agency can have such high expectations from someone and yet not return the favor with leniency and mercy. Just goes to show that institutions of man are doomed to fall. Didn't Christ himself come into this world to abolish law and bring mercy?

We are not going to Yosemite this weekend for my dads memorial. I am deeply wounded and in a state of misery.

When will God in heaven save us from this madness?

Controlled explosion

Well, I lost it and called my therapist every name in the book this week. He provoked me into a confrontation. To my credit, he started the fight and actually used the first swear words. I remained calm while he insulted me, my family, and my religion. Finally, I lost it when he said, and I quote, "you probably weren't even an honest cop". Now, I've been called every name in the book by much better men then him. But, to call my honor in question is too much. Fortunately, I didn't hit him.

I know this will fair poorly for the CPS case. In fact, it's probably what those heartless bastards have been hoping for. But, I don't care anymore. It's obvious that politeness and respect will get you nowhere with them.

The Garden of the Soul

For the first time in my life I feel a hurt that I am not sure will heal, a pain of the soul. How does one deal with betrayal? How you do deal with a villan that is unrepentant and unremorseful? How do you reach someone who is so convinced that their sin is a necessary evil?

If there is one lesson that I wish to teach my children, one thing that I want them to understand when I lay on my death bed, is that the world is an evil place ruled by evil people.

Salvation and happiness is not within the capacity of man to bestow... but from God alone.

Bread and Circuses

Firs thing to report... Nothing new in the CPS case... We want so desperately to get on with our lives. However, the powers that be won't have it.

Second, Batman and War of the Worlds were awesome movies!! I am so thrilled that hollywood seems to finally be making decent movies. Especially after the recent string of crappy horror movies we have endured over the past year.

Saw the preview for King Kong. Steve Jackson is awesome! Saw preview for The Chronicles of Narnia... I'm worried. Lastly, I saw the poster for X-men 3... Very worried!

fini

Justice has given up

So yesterday we went into court to persuade the judge to allow our oldest daughter to come home. The first thing we find out is that we are not on the court docket because no one filed anything. Then, they bring up the case and the county doesn't show for the hearing.

Funny, if I didn't show there would be a warrant issued for my arrest.

Anyway, the county finally arrives after a long wait and tells the judge that they don't want our daugther to come home because there are still "significant" issues to be dealt with. Now, all the other attorneys in the case, including her attorney, say that they want he to come home. However, the judge doesn't even ask what these issues are. he issues a ruling holding the whole thing over for another month.

If I had any inkling before that the system was corrupted, it is verified now.

A dream of calmer seas

I remember being a boy and walking alone thru the woods of Oregon. Everything seemed so green and full of life. So simple. The world was almost an innocent place. At least it was as seems thru the eyes of a lonely boy and his dog.

But, now things seem harsh and brutal in many ways. Everyone wants so much from us and will use any means to get it. It seems that base greed has clouded that innocent world.

Sometimes I wonder if we are assaulted because we are a large, normal family. Perhaps everyone envies and therefore hates us, so they seek to destroy us.

"I fight the world, and take all they can give. There are times my heart hangs low. Born to walk against the wind." Heart of Steel -- Manowar

Today on top of everything I was told that my step-dad Max is about to die. He had a major stroke and is effectively braindead. It all stemmed from a recent operation which resulted in a blood clot that made its way to his head.

I have been painfully searching my feelings on this matter. Frankly, I said goodbye to him several years ago when he was in a nursing home. It was a mutual thing. We both wanted to remember each other as we known one another. Not as a once strong man now bed ridden with illness, and his step-son now a man crying everytime I see him. But, in fullfilling both our wishes I wonder if I have done him wrong in not being there for him. Should I see him as a near corpse? The very thought fills me with dread.

Then, to top things off I see a storm brewing within the family. Old animosities might finally come to head with his passing.

This is of course on top of Child Protective Services and their continued demands on us, the now criminal case against us, the business that I can't seem to focus on, the reinjury of my shoulder, my oldest daughter continuing to act out, legions of bill collectors calling day after day, and the spectre of the repo man.

"For us, there is no Spring. Only the winds that smell fresh before the storm."
Conan the Barbarian

Apologies

Man, I feel bad for not updating this in over a month.

Shame on me

When wisdom doesn't prevail

Well, the kids are finally home after staying in foster homes for a bit over a month. All that kids except for my oldest. The psychiatrists think that I'm still a threat to her and they want counseling for the both of us to continue.

One of the tragedies is that she would be home now if Child Protective Services would have got her counseling sooner. But, they didn't, and now things are getting delayed. It is clear to me now that CPS is a well meaning organization that has lost their way.

What tears me apart the worst is that she is clearly suffering where she is at. Not physically but mentally and physically. It give me dark thoughts against those who perpetuate this tragedy to validate their employment.

Then to top things off the District Attorneys office filed misdemeanor child abuse charges against the wife and I. All for spanking my child.

When will wisdom prevail?

Lady justice has been raped

There has been no greater pain I have felt or experienced then that of this forced separation with my kids. I would gladly lay down my life for them. Yet, that would somehow be easier than the pain we are all now enduring. This experience is running me through the gambit of emotions, from murderous rage to abject sorrow and helplessness.

I am convinced that my God is a cruel deity.

The depths of a desperate man

Each day is an agony in our household. The silence of an abandoned house, once filled with the joyful laughter of children, is painful. I sit and wonder how am I to endure this the greatest of terrors against an innocent family.

I feel abolutely week and sickly, lowly and helpless. My children are suffering and I can't do anything about it. When I laugh I feel guilty, when I eat I feel guilty, when I indulge in the smallest of pleasures I feel guilty. The meaning of my existence is but a shadow compared to what it is when they are around.

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and that you don't know what you got until it's gone. No truer have these words been to me than they are now.

I listen to the cloud of my honorable friends as they try to console me. I take comfort that all the "fair-weather" friends are gone now. However, their consolations fall on me like drops of water on a hot crucible. It's not that I don't appreciate their love for us, it's just that this is the bastest of agonies and a lesser man would seek to snuff out the lives of those who perpetuate this evil. Then again, I suppose a lesser man would not care so much for the dignity and integrity of his family.

I have it in my heart to forgive everyone who had a role in this tragedy, including myself. I pray for each an everyone one of them. However, above all I want wisdom and mercy to prevail, and I want God's will to be done here.

I look to they day when the laughter is in my home once again.

The darkest of times

"For us there is no Spring, only the winds that smell fresh before the storm"

We have been beset on all sides by wolves. Just when you think the bad times are over with, it gets a whole lot worse. I won't go into details, but suffice to say that my oldest daughter has set things in motion that has ripped the family apart. It'll take strength, courage, and a lot of patience to fix things.

Why does life, happiness and contentedness come with such a price?

Chaos theory

I've been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Between school, my job, my wife's job, the business, and the kids I've had no time for anything else.

The business is doing remarkably well. We are launching our first promotion this week. It seems to be going well so far. We've generated a fair amount of interest.

Not much else to say this week.

Clear and Present Danger

So, N. Korea finally admitted that it has nukes. Big surprise there!! Funny thing is that we are currently engaged in two different wars with countries that allegedly threaten our way of life, while a country with the capability of launching a missile and nuking the continental United States is not of concern.

Sorry for getting political but this has really bothered me since we started rattling our sabers over Iraq. In my humble opinion the war in Iraq is about oil. A previously closed supply is now open to us, but at a price of our soldiers.

But, it seems to be a sacrifice that Mr. Bush is willing to make.

Am I the only person that finds our new Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice a bit annoying? It seems that she is constantly in the news. I can't even stand to read her name anymore. The Bush administration lost all credibility in my eyes when Colin Powell stepped down.

Okay, I'll stop... That'll be my political rant for the winter.

Meats back on the menu boys!!

So, I am in business for myself again. What a wonderful feeling! The stores been open for just a few days and I've already almost made 1K. In addition, I've had lots of inquiries and some honestly interested people. Who knows where it'll take me. I just hope to be successful and help Dustinious be successful.

I found out this week that Momoka is truly deranged and deprived. The poor girl has been so infatuated with Harry Potter that she missed the greatest animated movie of all time.... Shrek! I told her that she is the only person on this planet that hasn't seen the misadventures of Shrek and Donkey. You lose contact with someone for several years and look what happens. We shall have to remedy this situation.

Lastly, I made the decision today to not go to Dundracon this year. I'm sure it would be a great event but I just don't have the money. Instead I hope to do something nice for our anniversary.

A frantic weekend

I am trying my best to recover from this past weekend. First, I took a trip to Oregon to do some shopping for a few things I need. Well, I ended up spending way too much and I came back with a load of items. Good stuff, albeit a bit too much.
While I was there I was reminded why I despise the city life. Traffic, hustle and bustle, waiting in line for EVERYTHING! It was miserable. However, the best part about it is when I got home I had a deeper appreciation for my mountains.

Then, on Sunday my youngest daughter had her birthday party down at the lounge. We did the usual party things. I was able to get her several gifts that I think she loved.

Finally, the goons came over for another late night game. We started playing Ravenloft. Great module, but I'm afraid it may be lost on these guys.

Leeward made a complete ass out himself many times last night. I'm not sure what is up with him. First, he grabbed a couple slices of pizza from the previous birthday party without even asking. We were saving the last few slices for lunch today. Then, when the game was over he announced that he was not going to the game convention this month and wouldn't give a reason for dropping out. We had all been planning on going for almost a year, and he had allegedly been saving money for the trip. The worst part is the people he was sharing a room with will now have to pay a bigger share to cover his absence. Frustrating to say the least.

In other news, we are but a day away from getting our inventory for our store. The funny thing is that I'm getting all the stock tomorrow but the shelving and merchandising material won't arrive till the end of the week. Go figure!

A meal of fingernails

Well, as the title suggests I am in nailbiter mode again. Today we spent a bit over $6K on Games Workshop inventory for our store. It amounts to everything in the Warhammer 40K line and will serve as a launching pad for our full inventory, God willing. If it fails, I guess I'm gonna have several of the lamest armies anyone can have. I won't let it fail though.

Once the rest of our taxes come in we are going to further expand our inventory into paintball supplies and possibly some medieval weapons. Next year we hope to expand again into other game systems etc. It's a bit exciting for me to finally get this business off the ground. After how many years of talking about it?

School is great so far. I am enjoying all of my classes. I start work at the college as an art assistant sometime next week. Just a mite of a job to help pay the bills.

Today we went to a tool sale they were having at the local Grange. I was able to spend a bit of money and I bought a drill press, a spiral saw, several clamps, and a couple saw horses. Basically just a few things I needed to really round out my workshop. It's exciting to me to actually have several of the tools that I've needed to do some of the projects I've always wanted to do.

Lastly, I want to say how blessed I've felt these past few months. Despite the fall of faith I went through with the purchase of this home, I feel as though God has really smiled upon me. It's like all the anguish and suffering we went through brought us to this place and this time. Lately, I've been wondering if all the attempts to leave this place have been for naught, and that God meant for us to stay here and prosper all along. Siskiyou County is a happy place for us and I have never felt contentment in any other place.

Thanks be to God in heaven for this epiphany.

Here I go again!!

Once again I can't help but rant about the news. Killer blizzard back east? WTF!!! We get 6 feet of snow in Northern California and the only thing the news talks about is rain in Southern California. However, the East gets 6 INCHES of snow and it's a killer blizzard! Maybe if national news organizations weren't exclusively based on the East coast they would know what is happening in other parts of the nation.

Oh well, it's for the best I guess, I don't really want those kind of people nosing about in our corner of the globe. Let'um concern themselves with Tsumanis, snow storms, the Presidents dog, the war in Iraq, etc. I'll just sit here in my safe mountains and watch the world go to hell.

dah test

It's dumb test time again!!!



This next one is hilarious considering my former entry and the fact that today is my birthday.



So, I'm a loser that will live a long time. I guess it is true that only the good die young.

Happy Birthday, revisited

I am 34 years old today. That age seems so old to me but I don't feel old. In fact, I think I feel younger than I did a year ago at this time.

It's kinda funny because my mom always told me that I wouldn't live past 33 years old because I didn't like to eat vegetables when I was growing up. So much for old tales. I often thought that it as that very thing hanging over my head all my youth that made me a dark and "gothic" kind of person.

Speaking of Gothic, my wife dyed her hair last night. She tried for a color called vampire red which is somewhere between black and red. I hate to say it but somehow it doesn't look much different. My poor wifey pooh, caught in the middle of a mid life crisis. I think that if anyone needs to find their youth it is her.

School started yesterday(yeah!) So far I love my classes. It's gonna be a great semester.

Happy Birthday

Today is me Mum's birthday. Happy Birthday Mum, God rest your soul.

I think my brain shut down waiting for money to get the biz going, so I started obsessing about finishing my armor. I bought a new leather punch and I spent all day today making lamellar plates. My hands are sore, and I think I have already bent the leather punch. But, I have a smashing plan for making my klibanion look very period. I have to buy a few more leather plates, a new punch, and a chainmail shirt. Sometimes I think projects make life worth living.

I started a bit of a fast this week. Not for religious purposes but for health purposes. Bubba has got me into this bad habit of eating fast food everyday. Well, last week it came down to my body going into rebellion and leaving me feeling sick. So, I've swore off all fast food for a while. Then, when Lent comes around I am considering stopping all sweets, soda, ice cream, and eating out. I tried doing the strict Orthodox fast and it leaves me feeling miserable. I find myself lusting after food and losing all sense of spirituality. If I pick something that is dear to me and give it up then I think it'll be a bit more meaningful.

I don't remember what I wrote for a movie review for the movie "King Arthur" but I watched it again yesterday and found it to be total crap. I think the director/writer had it in for Christians in general and had a poor sense of a reasonable and believeable storyline. Not to mention he/she didn't know crap about history.

Did I ever mention that I hate Walmart, and I love my house?

Ugh

I must say, for a guy that once worked as a new director, I hate the news. All I hear is about the war in Iraq, muslims wanting to wear head scarves, and the tsunami. It's to the point that I despise world events altogether.

Another thing that I despise most is waiting on money. Everything seems to go on hold and I sit around wasting time in the hopes that money comes soon. I'm reminded of the song "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve, "your a slave to the money then you die". Ugh! What a horrible existence, to live life as a consumer waiting for more money so you can consume more stuff. How does one break out of that cycle?

I guess I'm sounding kinda gloomy, but I'm not really. I just don't have much to write about. This "vacation" between semesters is driving me mad. I need purpose again!!!

Oh, speaking of school I found out that I got all "A's" and "B's" last semester. I ended out with a 3.5 gpa and I made the Dean's list. If only the rest of my college experience was so positive.

Let it snow

The snow continues to fall here in the icy mountains. Today I noticed that the snow along the roads are as deep as the height of my Jeep. It is awesome!! I so thoroughly enjoy this kind of weather that it is a pleasure for me to drive around, despite the slippery ice on the roads. It's like mother nature says this is my time, and I am in control. It's great too for the affect it has on the city-slickers that bought a house in the area. I bet a whole slew of homes will go up for sale next spring.

I've been plagued with bizarre dreams of late. It's made my sleeping hours unrestful and left me disturbed the following day. For instance, I had a dream last night that Emmrick died. So, like a paranoid idiot I had to call him today to check. He is quite well, and I think flattered by my call.

Two more weeks until college starts up again. I am looking forward to it.

Happy new year and Happy Nativity eve

Man is it cold! This week we ran out of heating fuel and about froze. Fortunately, we had money and the fuel company was able to deliver the next day.

The major snow storm that ended 2004 is finally over with. Overall we got about 3 feet of snow. However, it seems to have thawed a bit, then froze, and consolidated down to about a foot of ice left on the ground. I think it is colder now than it was when it was snowing.

I've been working hard to get ready for our grande opening down at the Kommissars Lounge. I have a gaming table about down and am planning on having two more done by spring. The table looks great, and I am really enjoying my work. I think that once they are done, they will really add to the ambiance of the place and spark an interest in the local customer base.

Speaking of the Lounge I must say that I really like the guy that I'm going into business with. Dustinious is a great person and I feel like he is a bit of a kindred spirit. I foresee much of the problems that arise between business partners as being a non-issue with us. I also see our meeting as a blessing from God. He has everything I need in a partner and likewise he needs me. Once again it amazes me how fate works.