It's been an awfully long time since I posted that I am happy. This is such a post.
I am happy and content with my life. My art is good and fulfilling for me. I have many things to keep me occupied and interested. Health wise, I feel great. I could still stand to lose some weight, and I need more exercise. But, there is a part of me that feels young again, I feel as though I could go out and do some things like fighting in my armor.
Today I had a severe existential experience. I took my kayak out on the lake with my son. The sun was shining, it was warm, the smell of life welling up from the water, the chirping of birds, the majestic mountains in the distance covered in thick trees and snow. It all came together to bring up a fountain of joy and excitement in me. I closed my eyes and almost felt as if I was being lifted into the air. For the first time in a very long time, I felt the Great Spirit touch me. The spirit that I had lost so long ago when I embraced Christianity. It was as if life was pouring into me. Like waking up from a long slumber.
I felt as if I could change again... it was beautiful and terrifying.
I don't know if I should pursue it further or not. Was it a one time thing? Was I given a taste of eternity once and then left to thirst evermore?
I can never go back, I know that. I can never again embrace a cold, distant god through hymns and ignored prayers when I can feel the very real embrace of something that is far better and kinder.
To a Christian, I am lost... I am apostate. But, I feel found... I feel as if I am home again. Like wearing old, comfortable shoes after walking a thousand miles in tight and confining clogs.
I return to the notion that Judaism did not have a monopoly on knowledge of God. Perhaps they never even knew him. Hence, all the fools who followed never knew him either.
I have long sought the simple faith that I had once had. But, I found something better, something even simpler and beautiful.
Perhaps this is what being "saved" really feels like?
Now the question is... do I seek to change again?
