Long nights

I sat in the lobby of the local Walmart today. One of my many joys in life is just to watch people. To passively observe the human creature in their natural habitat. I realized something today, I watched people enter the store with a general smile on their faces. Then, when they would leave the smile was gone. Almost as if they had been terribly disappointed by something.

My days right now are turnd upside down. Its hard for me to sleep at night because of my shoulder. So, I tend to stay up and enjoy the peace and quiet. Sometimes I play Wow, or other computer games. Other times I read or watch a movie. It puts a strain on the family because I tend to sleep into the afternoon. But, oddly enough I somehow feel better staying up at night.

So, I was driving back from Walmart today and I couldn't help but look up at the beautiful sky as the sun sat on the horizon. The mountain was shining like a jewel, and the clouds were dancing in the heavens. In the midst of it all I could see the freeway and the spiders web of roads and houses across the valley. Reminders of this lands inhabitants, slaves to greed and lust, victims of a world gone mad. Yet, there in the middle remained the mountain, pristine in its beauty. It stands proudly as an untamed sentinel in the middle of a cage.

I wept today for my granddaughter and her mother. I am lamenting a decision by her to not baptize her baby. She says that she wants to wait and let Baby Angel make the decision about what faith she follows. That would seem like logic except for the sorrow in my heart over the decision. A child is like a tree, its roots must be nurtured in fertile soil for it to grow and be strong. You raise a child in the faith and they will forever return to it. This world has rejected God and all his wisdom and it seeks after anything to fill the holes left.

God is not dead. He waits patiently like a loving father for us to return.

Hometown boy makes it big

So, today we had a rare, and much needed, dive back into our Faith. Last night I got a call from one of the godparents of my children. She wanted to let us know that a priest we both know had been elevated to a Bishop, and then elected as the Metropolitan of North America and Canada.

Now let me clarify, to say we know Fr Jonah is a understatement; he baptised my two youngest children, he presided over the funeral of my mother, and he has served as the closest thing we have to a priest we have had for a while. Metropolitan Jonah, as he is now to be called, can best be described as a joyous elf. He always has a big smile and rarely has a harsh word to say for anyone. Though as a monk and a pastor, he is very serious.

To make a long story short today we went to his monestary to see him before he leaves for New York. He served Liturgy, and we all had lunch together afterwards. He had alot of kind and uplifitng words to say to us.

Oh, I think I should clarify something for those who read this and don't know; a Metropolitan in American Orthodoxy is the closest thing we have to a Patriarch or(in western terms) a Pope. We dont have a Patriarch title in America simply because it would require a vote of the worlds Bishops to form a new See of the Church, and an Ecumenical Council hasn't happened in a long time. Until that time, Metropolitan Jonah is our man.

Relationships: defined

Recently I asked someone what he wanted out of a friendship. He refused to answer me saying that it was too complex of a question. So, this post is an attempt to answer my own question.

Best Friends:

Will stand by you through thick and thin. Strong feelings of kinship and loyalty, even genuine love. Will generally know if you need help before you do and they will sacrifice to help you. Comes to you first for your opinion on a vexing subject. Excitingly calls you with good news, and are very happy or in tears when you have good or bad fortune. Randomly takes you to lunch or the movies without being asked. When they want to see a new movie your to the first they call. Will call you a jackass, but only in private and only because they want you to be a better person. Can sit in a room with them and be absolutely silent and not feel uncomfortable.

Friends:

Personally invites you to all their parties and get togethers. Will invite you, or accept an invitiation, to enjoy a meal over a holiday(i.e. Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, etc etc). Will help you with a problem if you ask. Will sacrifice a whole day to help you move. Isn't afraid to ask you for help. Expects, and gives nothing in return for kind deeds. Will call you a jackass and mean it, but not maliciously. Knows your birthday.

Associates:

Will help you with something at least superficially at least once or twice a year, but you owe them. Will tell you about their good fortune or bad luck. Likes to use you as a sounding board for complaints about people they don't like. Thinks they are familiar enough with you to call you a jackass. Will spend at least part of the day with you at some activity as long as it suits them. Will share food with you as long as they have enough.

Fair weather friends:

These can easily be mistaken for associates, however there is one major difference. They like to keep tabs on you in case something good happens to you and they can share in it, or if something bad happens they can avoid you so as not to risk being asked for a favor.

Frenemies:

Lowest form of life on the planet, cowardly, and dishonest. Strives hard to act like friends or associates but they actually seek to see you ruined. Can be distinguished by the fact that they only talk about how loyal they are, but they never follow through. You are constantly hearing about how they have talked behind your back. Things "disappear" when they come to your house.

Now granted, the above list is not a comprehensive study of the 5 examples of social relationships. I devised the list based on events in my own life.

In my dreams

I had a dream last night...

My mother was still alive. I was a young man and I was at her house visiting her. She was surrounded by all the material possesion she could possibly have and she was very pretentious about it. At one point she was going out to eat at a restaurant and I didn't have any money, so she callously left me. I got real mad at her and I began to cuss and fume at her. She just laughed and left me.

I don't ascribe any prophecy or any greater meaning to this dream. This seems to be an introspective glance at my own anger and frustration at my own poor dead mother.

You see, I was raised by her. She was an alcoholic and an Indian, so she was mean. I remember clearly being about 8 years old and coming home to her being drunk and abusive. I spent much of my childhood alone in the woods hiding from her. I couldn't rely on my stepdad to protect me because he sort of encouraged her drinking. It's hard on the psyche of a child to feel alone and unprotected. It's a scar I carry to this very day. FYI: this is why I rarely drink, never to excess and never around my kids.

However, I know that children are hard on their folks. All the failures in the lives of my own children will be blamed on me. Because I didn't love them enough, I played too many video games, or I didn't take them fishing enough etc etc. But, I loved them. I sacrificed all my adult life to make sure they were provided for.

The fact of the matter is that my poor mother lies moldering in the grave. Her spirit is careless and happy in heaven. She has laid aside the cares of this world and is finally free of the hard life she had to live. I need to just forgive her, and move on. A scar is simply a lesson, not the reminder of a unfullfilled grudge.

He said... she said

I've been dealing with way too much drama in my life lately. It all seems to stem from people just not wating to be up front or honest about their intent or their feelings.

First off, our little Guild on World of Warcraft is falling apart... again. Someone has a problem with someone else. Feathers are ruffled, and time is wasted trying to explain intentions.

Second, Emmerich asks me to drive my trailer to Redding to help pick up a tractor, which I gladly do for him. Then he promises that he'll help me move my potters wheel into the house. He shows one day and no one else can come to help, so he promises to come back today. However, at the same time he is here my kids show up having been sent home with lice. He then gets mad at me insinuating that I knew about the lice when they stayed at his house last weekend. So, I got mad and implied that perhaps we got the lice from his house. To which of course he takes great offense to, as if his kids never had lice. Needless to say, he didn't show up today to help move the wheel in. I heard that he was mad at me and talking about me behind my back.

The lesson in all of this that God, I think, is trying to teach me is to just be honest and straightforward to people about my intentions and feelings. I dont like social obscurity and I dont want to give it back.

At the same time I am itching to make this move away from here. To leave them all behind.

"Society, your crazy breed, I hope your not lonely without me"
Society -- "Into the Wild"

Why I voted for Obama

So, as I watched the election returns coming in tonight I sat and pondered the state of life and my own sense of patriotism. Now, anyone that has known me understands that I am not very patriotic. In fact, it can be said that I am a bit ashamed of the country of my birth. Not because I hate its people, or its institutions. My shame simply comes from the fact that I see such a wide gulf between the wealthy and the poor, and I see so much rhetoric pushed onto the masses that makes us believe that unbridaled capitalism is best for us all. Nevermind that the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, our planets resources are being depleted, and the environment is being polluted supporting the "American Dream". This all seemed to come from the "Reagan" mindset that my generation has bought into.

Now, here comes a candidate that belongs to my beloved "Generation X". He talks about leveling the playing field. He says something that no politician has dared to even utter in all my years, redistribution of wealth. That impresses me, and it livens me that he has taken this stand, and still wins the election. Perhaps there are others in my generation that think and believe as I do? Perhaps the next generation can see through the lies and rhetoric of the industrialists? Perhaps there is reason the have hope and patriotism again?

Will Obama let us down? It is likely, he talks a big talk and has many who oppose him. But the very fact that he stands for something that is different than "Reagan" politics is a very good thing in my book.

Rare dive into politics

This is worth watching

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

The door opened

So, for a long time now we have felt like it is time to move on from where we are living. Ever since we lost our house we have had a sense that nothing is tying us here anymore. This is especially aggravated by the fact that we are still somewhat alienated from some of our "so-called" friends here.

Now the way has been shown to us. I have been accepted into Chico State University. I'll be transferring there in the Fall of 09 into the upper division classes as an Art History Major. My wife has been tenatively accepted as well, provided that she passes this semesters classes.

So many times in our lives we have seen doors all around us close, and one shining door opened. As if beckoning us to aspire to something that we didn't think we could accomplish on our own. Clearly this is one of those times.

I will miss those here that are precious to me. But, it must be done.

"I'm gonna break... I'm gonna break my... I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run"

-- Soundgarden

The circle of life

So, today my oldest daughter had her first child. At 7:20pm pacific Evangelene Clara was born.

It would be an understatement to say that this child is a miracle. Yes, I know that is what you would expect a grandparent to say about their first grandchild. But, you see, a year ago I thought my daughter was headed for an early grave with the life she was living. It is frightening for any parent to think about having to bury their own child. But, she was lost to a life of drugs.

In the course of a year I have seen my precious daughter turn her life around so completely. A new life given to save another life. Yes, someday I will tell "Angel", as I will call her, that she saved her mothers life.

So, you see. A miracle did take place.

Standing your ground

So, I find myself in a bit of a quandry these day. What should someone do when they find themselves in a position where they feel very strongly about something, yet all their friends and even family think they are wrong?

I find myself in such a position these days. My tolerance for Tubbi has reached its end and I am ready to say goodbye to him and never give him a second thought. Everyone thinks I am wrong for how I feel. However, I have reconsidered the issue in every way that I can possibly imagine and I still come back to what my instincts tell me about the man. They tell me he is dishonest, and self serving. So, what should I do?

I recall a short time ago Tubbi was living in Oregon. I went to visit him and a large group of mutual friends we have up there. When Tubbi would leave they would all complain incessantly about him. They would say how he is dishonest, untrustworthy, and how he was a puppet to his ex-wife. I refused to believe it and I chalked it up to their backbiting and misunderstanding of him.

Tubbi has a way of acting stupid and innocent in his day to day dealings with people. When he makes a mistake people say he is just dumb and they forget about it. When he does something that is wrong they say "oh, Tubbi isn't smart enough to do something like that deliberately".

So, here we are still waiting for our student loans and hurting for money. We've had to borrow to pay our power bill, and are very low on groceries. Many times in the past we have helped Tubbi. When he was working for the railroad he had a hard time buying food. So, we would buy him groceries without asking for anything in return. This past weekend he came to the house and dropped off an air tank for paintball. He told my wife that he bought a new one and didnt need mine anymore. I contacted him later that day and asked if he wanted to buy it. He said sure, and said he'll look at the finances and get back to me. I told him we were strapped for cash and needed money for groceries and that I'd appreciate it if he would let me know soon. The next day comes and my wife sees him. She tells him that we need the money for groceries, still he puts us off. Then I find out that he leaves town without giving us an answer. Meanwhile, we have little to prepare for dinner.

Does that sound like a man that holds you in regards as a friend? That appreciates what you have done for him and wants to pay you in kind? He said later that he was bringing me some money today(Tuesday). However, like everything he says these days I dont believe him.

I told Emmerick of this and he basically came in defense of Tubbi. He said I am being immature and petty. That if I am really hard up I should just get a job. That I need to get my house in order.

So, I am sober, and looking at this with open eyes. I rail against Tubbi for being heartless and self serving, and everyone comes to his defense saying basically to leave the dumb kid alone.

My hats off to you Tubbi, your schtick works great.

Once in a while something comes along...

...that says it all.



Oh, to be free under the unblemished stars. To breath clean air and to listen to the voice of the wilderness. So few can understand. Only a handful will open their eyes and see the travesty that is this world.

The Tyranny of Money

So, here we are again... school is starting and everyone's getting their college money. All my friends are rolling in the dough living the good life. No need for friends or any other ties that might slow them down. No, their lives are fullfilled.

Have no doubt at all. Wealth, money, greed, envy... these things are the absolute base of all that is evil.

"The causes of my servitude can be traced to the tyranny of money"

The Summer Blues

Don't know why, I guess I just feel motivated to write in my blog today. Maybe it's to just get out some of my feelings. Isn't that really what a blog is for?

I've been down in the dumps for about a week or so. It's really hot and smoky where I live. We have forest fires burning in the hills around us. We don't really have much money to do anything at all. SCA events are kinda nixed for the year because of the gas prices. The kids are all at home and refuse to go do anything on their own. So, I feel as though the weight of entertaining them falls on me.

My friends are not much help. Tubbi seems to just call when he wants something. Emmerich wants to me come to his house, but only to help him with his projects, anything I am interested in he despises. I've been playing alot of World of Warcraft lately. But, I am very burnt out on the game and I find it hard to get motivated to do much. What I really want to do is play an RPG. But, none of my friends want to do that, so I am sunk. I also find alot of happiness playing paintball but for this or that reason my friends don't want to do that either.

Lately, I have been haunted by bizarre dreams. I won't go into any details but, they surround the idea of being free and just running into a new world. Like a wolf let out of a cage. This is topped by constant pain from my shoulder that makes sleeping at night an ordeal. Most times I stay up until I can't stay awake anymore.

All this has culminated into making me depressed. No one understands it or really even cares so, as usual, I am on my own to deal with it.

project

I hope this goes through:


East of Byzantium Teaser from Atorrante! on Vimeo.

The lowest of lowly lows

Okay, so let me start off by explaining the above title. It is not, as has been the case in the past, a reflection on anything going on in my life. It is the glutteral ravings of a severely disappointed individual that has seen the worst movie in his life.

Yes, that right... I am talking about the latest incarnation of the ongoing Indiana Jones epic. George Lucas should be taken out and shot for this travesty, and Steven Speilburg should be flogged publically for putting his name on this.

If you haven't seen it yet. Go see it, just so that you can get the full experience of a steaming poop pie to the face. No, strike that... don't give those idiots your money. If they think that they can rest on their laurels and have the public digest whatever they want to put their names on, they need a hard lesson.

This night marks the official time in my life that I have seen the worst movie ever. I'd rather watch all of the Highlander sequels again then to sit through that crapfest one more time. If someone held a gun to my head and tried to force me to watch it again I'd rather fight for the gun and take my chances getting shot. An agonizing gunshot wound would be more merciful than watching this movie again.

From this day forward I am done with Indiana Jones, far as I am concerned he died after "The Last Crusade"

A new age and a leering spectre

I am to be a grandfather. My oldest is having a child, and she is due sometime next summer.

I have waited for some time to post this news for several reasons. First, I wanted to work out my own feelings before publishing them. Second, my daughter is embarassed and didn't want anyone to know.

As for my feelings... I am overjoyed. The thought of another baby in the family brings me to tears. I look forward to seeing my daughter look upon her own child in wonderment. It doesn't seem real until you see that innocent face looking back at you. I am hoping that this will make her settle down once and for all and start living a good life.

However, there is a leering spectre following this joyous news. My daughters boyfriend, and all her "friends" are trying to talk her into getting an abortion.

That very word sickens me down to my soul.

Let me make myself very clear... Abortion is murder. Not only is it murder, it is the worst kind of murder. It is the slaughter of the innocent. A helpless life that will never get the chance to laugh, sing or be free because the selfish and heartless world says they are unwanted. I have a large swelling of rage for those who would murder the helpless.

I continue to pray and hope that my daugther has some sense of the morals I raised her with not have this done. She is embarassed that she is 17 and pregnant. Her boyfriend is hooked on drugs. She is living with his mother, whom I understand is trying to get her to abort as well.

What my daughter doesn't know is that we struggled with a similar "crisis" at one time. I was just back from the army and my wife and I were living with friends. I had no job and the future for us looked rather bleak. We found out she was pregnant. I was overjoyed yet, there was talk from some family members about the possibility of getting an abortion. I despise those people to this day. Obviously, we did not have it done, and my oldest daughter is proof. Her coming into this world changed our lives and gave us focus. She brought us pain, love, turmoil, and happiness like we have never known.

These times are sent to try our souls. Only compassion, mercy and love can save us from ourselves.