The line has been drawn

I informed my real estate agent today that when our present purchase agreement expires on Nov 5th we are done. There will be no more extensions regardless of where we stand in the finance process. They can just eat the work they have put into this.

Here we are in yet another weekend without a house. This past week was loaded with nothing but errors and a lack of attention by the companies involved. Phone calls were not returned on at least three separate occasions pushing the deal farther back. People simply did not follow up and we are the ones to suffer. I've said it before, what do they care, they have beds to sleep in at night. This last time someone was supposed to email something and the message "mysteriously" did not go through. Once again pushing everything back another day. Well, they have a week, lets see if they want to get paid. Because I am not bluffing!

Badlands

"I ride alone. These wastelands that I cross, will take another life, we'll take another loss. I feel a dry wind. Dust is in my eyes. The arctic cold at night. The Earth she tells me lies."

"As the world awakens me so hard my values have been changed. I make a promise to myself, never again!! A dusty God-forsaken path endless to my dismay. I know these are the badlands. Somehow I'll find my way."

"The Vultures that circle cloud the empty sky. Patiently waiting, they wait for me to die. Tortured and beaten, blistered by the sun. Forceful and heartless. Have the badlands won?"

Metal Church -- Badlands

I have every confidence that next week at this time I will still be waiting for a blessing that is not coming. Like a Dog sitting by his bowl waiting to be fed while his Master is on vacation.

The roots of despair

I don't think that anyone really knows how low I am in my heart. There is really no one to talk to about it. I get the same bullshit from everyone about being patient and hopeful. My patience is long gone and I dare not hope anymore. There are no blessings left for us in heaven, and we are lost and forsaken. All my life I have been an orphan to the world with no where to call my own. Now as I strive to reach for the dream I have always held I am scorned and laughed at. Like swinging at a pinata and the joke is on me. How dare I desire such a thing as a home of my own. I think God in heaven is having the greatest laugh of all.

I am so cold and tired. My mind is numb and blank all the time like I'm punch drunk. My faith is shattered. I have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. Like a lost man in the desert. Thirsty and alone. I struggle to climb a dune hoping for an oasis on the other side. Yet, when I get to the top I see nothing but another dune and more desert. Then you wonder if your time would be better spent cursing God as you wait to die.

The principalities and powers of this world have won. I am no Job. My faith was not strong enough to survive this test. God has left me to wither on the vine. I don't know what to do anymore.

A shining jewel in a dark world

I am very proud of my second daughter. Today she tried out for the cheerleading squad at her school and she was chosen. She beat out a dozen girls to end up on the competition squad at her school. It was so good to see her work so hard for something and to achieve her goal. No one deserved to be on that team more than her. I think alot of credit needs to be given to my oldest daughter as well. She served as a role model in cheerleading for the rest of the girls. I am looking forward to seeing her cheer, and I pledge to help her in any way I can.

To my great relief I finally heard from Tess this week. It seems that she has been real busy and suffered from a downed computer. Also, the day she spoke to Geary while I was at his house, and she didn't want to talk to me, was because she was sitting next to her boyfriend. Things seem to be going good for her with school and all. I still wish she didn't live down where she does. It would be better for everyone if she was around here. There's no telling her that though.

On the mortgage front there is nothing new. Tommorrow a bit more fanagling will be going on and I am told we may be able to sign papers. I'll believe it when I see it.

A diversion

In an effort to assage my growing depression I took the kids out and saw a movie tonight. They went to see "A Shark's Tale" and I went to see "Hero".

I was very impressed by "Hero". While I normally despise martial arts movies I liked this one because of it's historical perspective. It was highly recommended to me by a close friend, and of all people, my history teacher. I think the movie accurately depicts the Qin dynasty and was profound in it's portayal of the Suntze philosophy. The line that a "swordsmans ultimate goal is to lay down his sword" was just awesome. Sadly, I think that someone without the knowledge of history would be mearly entertained by this movie and miss the bigger picture.

Something may happen tommorrow with the mortgage. But, I'm not holding my breath. We will see... it is in God's hands.

Seeds of Despair

Still nothing new on the mortgage. The loan processor seems to speak in riddles on the phone and barely gives me a chance to ask a question. He has resorted to not giving me a timeframe now. This has to be the lowest of lows. I am fed up with this process and I have no faith anymore. My thoughts have turned dark.

I think I have realized what hurts the most about staying here:

I am ashamed.

I am ashamed that I am putting my dear friends in such an uncomfortable position in their own house. I am ashamed at every bite of food I take and every phone call I make. I am ashamed at enjoying their heat and comfort. I am even ashamed at sitting on their couch. I am ashamed when I take a shower in their bathroom. I am ashamed at every noise my kids make in the morning while our benefactors try to sleep. I am ashamed to walk through the door because I know that they are thinking "not again". I feel shame for typing on their computer, on their internet. I am ashamed to turn on the TV or to turn the channel. In essence I guess I feel ashamed for simply being alive.

I read once that God will only test you as much as you can tolerate. I am past my tolerence and I feel forsaken.

All I want is a home.

Another weekend on a couch

Well, it is Sunday night and I have survived another weekend. I am starting to despise weekends because the kids are home and I have to find things for them to do. It's not that I don't like spending time with the kids, it's just that my wife always has to work and I feel a bit overwelmed dealing with all of them.

Today I took the oldest daughter up and we played paintball with a large Church group. All total we had about 14 people. It was really fun, especially shooting it out with new people on a course I've never been to. I'm hoping to do it again real soon.

In related news, I got to spend some real quality time with my daughter. I think we healed alot of the wounds we have both suffered lately from our fighting. I wish I could have more of such adventures with her.

Geary is being tight lipped about what is going on with Tess(Geary is her brother). He keeps changing the subject about her and won't give me any specifics. I'm guessing we're gonna have to actually write her a letter is we are ever going to communicate. I'm afraid that she might not want to hear from us at all. Something has happened with her, I am sure of it! I just don't know what.