I had a dream last night...
My mother was still alive. I was a young man and I was at her house visiting her. She was surrounded by all the material possesion she could possibly have and she was very pretentious about it. At one point she was going out to eat at a restaurant and I didn't have any money, so she callously left me. I got real mad at her and I began to cuss and fume at her. She just laughed and left me.
I don't ascribe any prophecy or any greater meaning to this dream. This seems to be an introspective glance at my own anger and frustration at my own poor dead mother.
You see, I was raised by her. She was an alcoholic and an Indian, so she was mean. I remember clearly being about 8 years old and coming home to her being drunk and abusive. I spent much of my childhood alone in the woods hiding from her. I couldn't rely on my stepdad to protect me because he sort of encouraged her drinking. It's hard on the psyche of a child to feel alone and unprotected. It's a scar I carry to this very day. FYI: this is why I rarely drink, never to excess and never around my kids.
However, I know that children are hard on their folks. All the failures in the lives of my own children will be blamed on me. Because I didn't love them enough, I played too many video games, or I didn't take them fishing enough etc etc. But, I loved them. I sacrificed all my adult life to make sure they were provided for.
The fact of the matter is that my poor mother lies moldering in the grave. Her spirit is careless and happy in heaven. She has laid aside the cares of this world and is finally free of the hard life she had to live. I need to just forgive her, and move on. A scar is simply a lesson, not the reminder of a unfullfilled grudge.
