Old man winter has reared his ugly head

The first snow of the season is always the worst. It gets real cold and the snow comes down in little flakes. Almost like it's reluctant to touch the ground. It accumulates in small piles with the grass of the neighbors lawn poking through. Then, after the sun rises it stops and immediately begins to melt. Slush and cold water run over everything leaving a miserable mess.

Now the second snow, well that's the good one.

I spoke to our mortgage broker last night and he said everything was on track to be finished in the given time period, meaning late next week. I've been told that they push especially hard to finish things up before the end of the month. Hopefully this is true in this case, I want my life back.

I've been having dreams at night of living in our own home again. Of sitting by a warm fire in my chair while hot cocoa brews on the stove. Of sleeping in my own bed next to the warmth and comfort of my wife. Of just simply having my own space to do as I wish. I want to be able to invite friends over for dinner or even just for coffee. I want to sit by the window and play chess or backgammon with someone.

I don't think anyone who has never been homeless can understand what this feeling is like. Especially in a time when the weather is turning bad. Perhaps it is in our nature to want to store up and prepare for the winter. I know I have a deep feeling of anxiety and fear that we are not prepared.

I think our benefactors are nearly at the end of their patience with us. The kids just won't settle down and take this seriously. I am in a position where I feel odd about punishing them for their wrongdoing. Basically, they are taking advantage of the situation to act out. But, they'll have hell to pay when this is all over.

I think I am also sad about this situation with Tess. I always regarded her as a good friend and I am hurt that she would turn away like this. My wife doesn't let on that she cares at all. But, I think it bothers her. I look back and I realize that Tess has done this many times before when she doesn't want to face us for one reason or another. Essentially, she is a coward. But, she has chosen her life and she subtly makes it clear that we are no part of it. C'est la vie

I still have teeth

It's a terrible thing to realize that you love someone with all your heart yet you don't really like them. That pretty much sums up my relationship with my oldest daughter. She is so conceited and selfish it is hard to be around her. She also has this real streak of dishonesty. All my life I have strove to only be around people I can trust. Now I have to live with one and call her my relative.

The dentist visit went well today. I guess my mouth is still pretty much in need of work but it hasn't really got any worse.

The prospects for a house are still a disaster. No rentals in the paper to speak of and the mortgage broker says it'll be two more weeks before we can close escrow. I found out over the weekend that the seller is has lost his business and is living in a travel trailer. He is anxiously waiting for the money from this sale in order to get his life back on track.

Tess has flown the coop on us. I've been trying to get her brother to call her and when he finally does she doesn't want to talk to me. Her email account is closed, and she has apparently written us off. I've said it once and I'll say it again, it never ceases to amaze me how when times get hard the fair-weather friends scamper away like roaches. It hurts me though that she would do this when we need her emotional support the most. So many promises broken.

The tide is lower still...

It gets worse!

Well, the appraisers report is finally in and all our information is going to the underwriter for final approval. But, I find no real comfort in that. Our loan agent said it'll take a couple more weeks for things to close. Also, he wants more information from us. Info that we can't come up with like receipts for rent for the past year.

Then, it started raining over the past few days and our stuff is getting soaked. Not our household belongings but our clothes and schoolbooks. It's just an insult to injury.

Finally, I think I'm coming down sick. Don't know if it is the flu or what but I feel generally awful. My analogy from a couple of days ago about drifting on a still sea at low tide... Well, the tide has gotten lower. When will it get better? How low can we go?

"Doom, despair, and agony on me! If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all."

Some guy on Hee Haw

Entropy Bubble

Well, here we sit. Still holding up at our friends house making their lives miserable. The situation is the same as last week at this time. Still drifting across the dark side of the moon. If life is like riding the surf, with ups and downs with the waves, then we are sitting on a still sea at low tide. I just can't see any relief in sight. It's amazing how one man can hold up an entire process.

To boot, Tess has stopped communicating with us. We would normally get an email from her every two weeks or so. Now, we get nothing and her email is not valid anymore. I just don't know what is happening with her and we are worried.

It's rainy and miserable here today. Our stuff on the porch is probably getting wet. But, there is nothing I can do about it. We found our cat a few days ago, but he ran away again. He feuds with the cats here and ends up taking off. I can only imagine what is going through his mind.

The past few days I've been playing alot of paintball. Perhaps to get my mind off my troubles. Anyway, I am quite sore from the experience. Regardless, it has been fun. I think I'm losing a bit of weight from the exercise. That and hardly eating. I guess something positive will come from this.

Overall though, a sense of despair has settled over me. I'm finding it hard to pray or be hopeful. I kinda feel like I'm just drifting. I really don't know what to do. I wish my Mom was here to give me advice. Come to think of it, no one is around to give me advice or direction.

I am set adrift on an ocean of despair clinging to the tiny scraps of spintered wood called hope. I may drown before this is over.