breakthrough

Today brought me sweet remembrance...

I walked an old trail along the river today with my family.  The sweet smells of summer along with the sound of the trees and the rushing water made me remember.  The last time I changed was in this place on such a day.  I of course, hid in the brush on that day and watched the hikers go by.  But I recall clearly the existential feeling of it all.

So, what happened?  Why was that my last day?

It was that summer that a train derailed and spilled a nasty poison in the river.  It killed all river life for miles downstream.  We lived on the river at the time and the windows to our bedroom were open.  My wife and I awoke the next morning with nasty sore throats and pounding headaches.  We fled the area for a week, but not before I walked down to the rivers edge to see the horror.  I recall clearly seeing a dead baby deer lodged on a rock in the river.  I remember looking at it and thinking that somehow something died in me as well.

So, I am corrupted.

Since then I have felt the bizarre urge to change...  like a looming dread similar to feeling like you're going to throw up.  But, it hasn't happened, or at least not completely.

I still smell things a mile away.  I still have my night vision.  I still have the inclination to bite and to hide in the woods.  But, I am denied my birthright.

Perhaps remembering is the first step to finding it again.

Euphoria

It's been an awfully long time since I posted that I am happy.  This is such a post.

I am happy and content with my life.  My art is good and fulfilling for me.  I have many things to keep me occupied and interested.  Health wise, I feel great. I could still stand to lose some weight, and I need more exercise.  But, there is a part of me that feels young again, I feel as though I could go out and do some things like fighting in my armor.

Today I had a severe existential experience.  I took my kayak out on the lake with my son.  The sun was shining, it was warm, the smell of life welling up from the water, the chirping of birds, the majestic mountains in the distance covered in thick trees and snow.  It all came together to bring up a fountain of joy and excitement in me.  I closed my eyes and almost felt as if I was being lifted into the air.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt the Great Spirit touch me.  The spirit that I had lost so long ago when I embraced Christianity.  It was as if life was pouring into me.  Like waking up from a long slumber.

I felt as if I could change again...  it was beautiful and terrifying.

I don't know if I should pursue it further or not.  Was it a one time thing?  Was I given a taste of eternity once and then left to thirst evermore?

I can never go back, I know that.  I can never again embrace a cold, distant god through hymns and ignored prayers when I can feel the very real embrace of something that is far better and kinder.

To a Christian, I am lost...  I am apostate.  But, I feel found...  I feel as if I am home again.  Like wearing old, comfortable shoes after walking a thousand miles in tight and confining clogs.

I return to the notion that Judaism did not have a monopoly on knowledge of God.  Perhaps they never even knew him.  Hence, all the fools who followed never knew him either.

I have long sought the simple faith that I had once had.  But, I found something better, something even simpler and beautiful.

Perhaps this is what being "saved" really feels like?

Now the question is...  do I seek to change again?

Dreams

Last night I had a dream. It has left me shaken and depressed today. I was in Fresno, CA in a field between two hills. On the hillsides were orchards of trees filled with fruit. Above the sky was filled with puffy rainclouds. I could see the streams of rain falling on the far off hills and orchards. But, where I was it was warm. My grand daughter was there. She was singing and laughing with other children. They were part of a class field trip to the fruit orchards. I was hiding in the bushes and watching her. I was changed. Then she saw me and ran to me. She was not scared or startled by me. It was like she was seeing the real me. I turned and ran into the brush, but she chased me. I somehow became cornered and turned to face her. I could see that she was changed to, and she smiled at me. We were together and free. Free free free!!!! We danced and played together and ran and ran. I looked up and saw the sweet fruit of the trees above us, and far off I could see a heavy rain cloud pouring down in the valley below us. We laid down together and watched the clouds. She said to me.. "Grandpa, I miss my mommy". I woke up crying.