A cry for help?

So, I was awoke this morning bright and early by my neighbor pounding on my door and crying. She apparently got into a fight with her boyfriend and for whatever reason she came to me for help. I calmed and consoled her as well as I could, but in the end I didn't talk to her boyfriend for fear of getting in between a domestic dispute.

I've been pondering this all day and I cannot help but wonder why exactly she came to me. She doesn't know me at all, we've only spoke in polite, social occasions. There is no reason I can think of as to why she thought to come to me, except for one... She knows about my background in Law Enforcement. So I am left wondering, if she came to me because of that, what more is going on next door that makes her feel the need to ask for the protection of someone with that background.

The more I think about it the more I become alarmed and worried. If I intervene then I gain the emnity of her boyfriend. But, if I don't and something really bad happens, then I am guilty of ignoring a cry for help.

Still, this has been placed in my hands for whatever reason, and I feel I must act, regardless of the outcome. I just pray I do God's will.

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

So, this weekend I organized and hosted a tournament for the young people that are in our shire. My plan/hope was to encourage them to explore and experience more of what it is like to hold offices and titles in a neo-medieval society AKA the SCA. The tournament was called the Black spire tourney. One girl and one boy winner gets the privilage of bearing the title of Lord or Lady of the Black Spire.

We had 5 children take part in the contest, which involved 4 different trials, including a fighting tourney, a bardic presentation, and a cooking contest. All of the contests were judged independently, and the scores from the three judges were added up. However, the fighting competition was actually weighed lower points-wise because we didn't want the boys overwealming the girls in the physical contest.

Two of my own children took part in the spectacle, and as a judge in the competition I have to say that I scrutinized them closer and frankly expected more out of them. They both gave a somewhat token effort, and I really didn't expect them to win.

Then, something happened that surprised and astonished me. My son performed a bardic piece from Shakespear's "Henry V" with gusto and enthusiasm. So, much so that all the judges scored him with maximum points. It was enough to push him into first place.

Naturally, I was very proud of him for his effort. He showed a quality that I had never seen him. To his credit he rehearsed the speech and exceeded everyones expections. In short, he deserved to win.

However, when I announced the winners I could instantly see that there were people that were not happy about the outcome. In particular it was suggested that favoritism was at play, despite the fact that the contest was judged and scored independently.

So, in short I am left feeling guilty and miserable despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong. I can't even express to my son my pride in him for his amazing effort.

I feel dogged in life. It just seems that no matter what I do, no matter how good my intentions or my planning, I always end up failing in some way.

"For us there is no Spring, only the winds that smell fresh before the storm" -- Conan the Barbarian

The shelter of Cynicism

Human relationships and their subtle intricacies have never been my strong suite. In fact, I should say that I have a general dislike and mistrust of people. This is an easy thing to say, especially when dealing with another person who is being unreasonable in some way. But, I think I can honestly say that I am shifting in the direction of Cynic philosophy.

Cynicism was born out of Socratic dialogue, and was further advanced by later philosophers such as Diogenes of Synope, Antisthenes, and ultimately, Zeno. It seeks to question the value of practices such as social relationships, morality, and human customs. Specifically, it questions whether these things stand in the way of individual happiness. It promotes virtue, and rationality as the highest values.

I find that as I get older I am having a harder time being patient with social dealings and the fickle manipulations that people press on myself and others. It's almost as if from our very first meeting that people are trying to manipulate me into something that is more pleasing to themselves. Also, I am tired of people with control issues that want to induce compliance in me with their plans and schemes.

Going with the ideas of Diogenes, I am finding the model/life of the Dog as being the ideal form of existence. The Dog does not try to change who you are, instead they accept the reality of the social relationship and attempts to live their life around it, and in harmony with it. The Dog does not mince words or beat around the bush, they call the situation as they see it and either reject it, or accept it. This is not the life of slavery or abject compliance, instead it is true pragmatism. In the words of the Stoic, it is not trying to control reality, but controlling your reaction to the truth of the situation.

This mindset reminds me of Joaquin Miller's characterization of the Modoc indians in his book "Life Amongst the Modocs". He said that the indians never try to convince or argue with someone when they have made a decision. No, this is considered the height of impoliteness. Instead, they respect one another enough to accept that choice whether they agree with it or not. Again, all they can control is their reaction to the truth.

Applying this to my life when I have a wife, children, friends and family who rely upon me for support and love has been difficult. Often, they just want to focus on their self interest and hope that their loved ones will back them up. Oddly though, this life of acceptance and straightforwardness is the best manner in which to deal with one another devoid of strife and angst. But, the world has taught them that manipulation and sarcasm is the best way to advance their selfishness.

In short, people don't know how to deal with a honest, straight shooting person. That is why we as a culture fail so much.

The dictatorship of the bourgeoisie

Whatever you think of Karl Marx and his social theories, I am finding myself facing down something he spoke about, that being the alienation of the worker.

Marx criticized capitalism and the factory worker system by saying that the individual worker was not invested in their labor. That to reward a person with just a paycheck, was to alienate them from the production and their own pride in their work. His theory is much more complex than this, but you get the jist.

Recently I have been helping a friend with his farm. He is starting a cooperative, selling his produce to a small group of people who invest in his farm with a monthly fee. It is a pretty good deal, and a great way to get fresh, organic veggies. He offered us a share in his operation if we come and help him with his planting and general labor. This came at a perfect time given our current constraints on our grocery bill. Anyway, at first I dreaded the work, then it grew on me as I became more invested. Finally I came to relish the labor and enjoyed farming and teaching my family the importance of being that close to our food production. To show them the joy in caring for growing things. We all enjoyed the peace and contentment of rural life and labor. They were helping in their own little ways with an operation that is almost too much for so few people that do work there. I also saw a new found respect for me from my mother-in-law in watching me in my efforts, that is something that I have wished for a long time.

Then today, the carpet was pulled from beneath me... I was asked not to bring my family to the farm anymore because they annoy my friends wife. She is not comfortable with them around, and my kids distract his kids from their chores.

I can't argue with him about this, it is afterall their farm. But it pains me nonetheless. If I can't share this joy with my wife and kids, if their small contribution is not appreciated or wanted, then I am divorced from the joy of my labor, and I have no ownership of what I am accomplishing. To trudge off to work like a common day laborer and spend so much time away from my family, not letting them see what it is that I expend my strength and energy each day doing, to me is immoral and downright sad. Even though we live in a society where that is the norm, I have spent my life trying to avoid that existence, because frankly I find it wrong. It is only in the past 100 years that families began living this way, and I truly believe that it is not a healthy way for a family to exist.

I know the arguements against me. Why should my family be allowed to loiter in what is essentially a business? This of course is true, but uniquely American, and capitalist in nature. In a more perfect world, my whole family would be there to help out and become invested in their food production. But, in this world, in this system that alienates the worker from the fruits of their labor, I am relegated to the role of a peon farmworker. A position that drains the enthusiasm from me altogether. If they were somehow harmful or damaging to the operation then I can see their point of view. But, to reject them because their meer presence is an annoyance is asking far too much of me. Especially since others who come on a weekly basis bring their whole families as well. Am I being singled out for a reason I don't see?

Consider really what right does another person have to force me to restrict my family in such a way? Especially when my whole family is helping. We value property right so much in our society that we can hardly question his wife's authority to ask me to leave them behind. But, is it right? Am I a free man or am I not?!? I have about had my fill of people claiming lordship over me because of their possession.

When it boils down, my heart tells me that if you reject my family, then you reject me. So, like Karl Marx said, I am alienated from my labor and disposessed.

This of course comes at a time when the bulk of the labor is done. The planting is finished and all that remains is watering and light weeding. Honestly, I can't help but think that this order was made knowing that they can make due without my family's help. Such short sightedness since come the fall there is the harvest to worry about. Hopefully by then they will have found another peon.

On the eve of the "Rapture"

So, I am a bit down today. Not because I am still sick, because I got over that about 2 weeks ago. No, it's because tommorrow is the forecasted rapture event.

No, I am not worried that me and my family will not be taken, instead I am sorrowful for what this idiotic prediction will do to the credibility of my Faith.

First off let me say that believing in the authority and wisdom of Howard Camping and his followers is about like believing that Betty Crocker will come up with a cake mix that cures cancer. This evangelical organization approaches scripture like it was a "magical" puzzle that needs to simply be figured out in order to become one of God's chosen people. It greatly bothers me that this false prophet is being given so much attention, even after is two previously failed predictions.

However, in true Socratic fashion, I will admit that I am biased against his brand of Christianity. As a child I was raised as a Pentacostal. I recall going to Sunday service and listening to the tales of the rapture, hearing their "fire and brimstone" message, and watching in horror as people spoke in tongues and danced around as if possessed. I remember as a kid thinking that something other than what is holy was at work there.

Now I am an adult and I am an Orthodox Christian. We tirelessly carry out the sacraments as they were given to us, and we seek to be Christ-like to those we encounter. We don't pour over the Scriptures like it was a wizards tome, instead we come to an understanding of the context, and we apply it to our lives. We know that there is more to being a Christian than just reading. Still, everyone has their faults, us included.

All that aside, I am railing at the news coverage of this rapture event. When it is all over, and everyone is still stuck on earth, there will be jokes about it for years to come. In the end, this will just be another reason for atheists to say we are an unrational, and foolish group of zealots.

The sad truth is that the "rapture" is derived from an obscure, and often misunderstood reference to judgement day in the writings of Paul. As always, I remain faithful to the words of Christ when he said "no one will know the hour..."

Of final note... I recall myself as a lonely child, trembling in the pews as I watched babbling men and women around me shake as if in the grips of a seizure, and the pasty-faced pastor smiling broadly from the pulpit like a wolf at the hunt. I can't help to think that if they are the true believers, then I don't want to be right.

The Viziers Elephant

So, I am sick. I have a pretty bad cough, along with asthma-like symptoms. I've been this way for three weeks now. Prior to that, I had the flu for a week, and before that, sinus trouble including major headaches and just generalized misery. The sinus thing has been steadily growing since around December.

What is the cause you ask?

Well, after finally visiting the doctors office in Chico and undergoing treatment for asthma, it appears that an outside stimulus, probably centered around the location where I was staying while going to school, is the likely culprut.

My theory...

It was last November that my roommate in Chico got a little dog from the neighbor. He was cute and pretty harmless at first. But, my roommate confessed to not knowing how to potty train a dog, and set out to try several different techniques he found on the internet. Well, despite investment in puppy pads and various sprays and such, the dog still consistantly urinated on the carpet outside my room, and deficated in the front room. It seems that the one thing that my roommate wasn't willing to invest in to potty train the dog was his time and consistancy. Needless to say, this led to a very very unsanitary living condition at that apartment.

On top of this, I grew to not like the dog. He was ill-mannered and fairly unintelligent with a poor personality. He had developed a "princess" complex where he could get away with anything as long as my roommate was around, and the dog knew it. If I dared to deal with the dog myself, my roommate would get mad at me. Eventually, I banned him from my room because he would steal things from my room and chew them up, but my roommate would not honor the ban, and would let the dog in whenever he entered my room. Because of this, as I said before, the dog got the idea that he could get away with anything as long as my roommate was around.

Which leads me to my next problem with the dog, when his master left for any reason, and for any length of time, he would howl and cry unceasingly, loud enough for everyone in the apartment complex to hear. Heck, once I was driving in the parking lot and I could hear the dog whining. This became a serious problem when I became really sick, and the dog would carry on while I was trying to sleep.

The worst insult came in the fact that my roommate would get really mad at me for not liking his dog. It's as if he thought that I didn't like him because I hated his pet. He would try to force me to love the animal by tossing him on me or shaming me into giving him affection. He even suggested that I let the dog sleep with me in order to keep him from howling. I couldn't even stand to pet the dog, he would lick and drool on me incessantly, he had this horrible habit of deepthroating my thumb, and if I wasn't paying attention he would even try to hump my arm. Not to mention, that most of the time he smelled pretty bad. Keep in mind, this is coming from a person that likes dogs over any other pets.

So, long story short, my constant sickness forced me to leave my apartment and come home to try to recover. My professors have graciously extended my time for getting my assignments done and such. Now I just have to get my health back, which I must say is improving every day that I am away from that apartment. I believe that it was partly stress related, but mostly it was living in the unsanitary conditions and breathing in that toxic stench every day.

It's been said that I can smell things better than other people, and that I am more sensitive to odors or unclean conditions. It's a blessing and a curse. But, I am certain that my roommate simply allowed this to occur because he didn't know it was so bad. Often, he would clean up crap in the front room because he would hear me coughing and gagging all the way back in my room from the smell.

Of final note, when my roommate adopted his little dog, we adopted his brother from the same litter, and he lives with us here in the mountains. He has none of the ill manners, problems with separation and he is housebroken.

Oh, and if your wondering about the title of this post, I suggest you read the story by the same title. It sums up well the problems that someones pet can cause without them even realizing it. As a note, I never even considered dealing with the problem in the same manner that the villagers in the story did.

Humble Pie

So first off, in regards to my previous post, I am eating my words. My wife nailed me with an amazing surprise party a few days before my birthday. All my friends were there, it was awesome. Thanks darlin, you showed me a thing or two about my annoying, persistant cynacism.

Second, those who quote scripture to me to make a point just drive me up the wall. Scripture has been so misused by people and taken out of context, that it has lost its potence. Bear in mind that the words of Christ himself still hold tremendous power. So, if you really want to influence, shame or otherwise humble me, I'd advise you to draw from Him, a practice that has been neglected way too many times in this atheistic and self centered age.

Finally, I am boiling with frustration and stress over school. I feel so overwelmed with everything that I just want to drop out this semester. I wish I could leave and come back when things aren't so crazy with home life. Sadly, my wife would never understand and she would take it personally if I did. She would think that I quit because I didn't think she could handle things at home. Granted, when my kids post inappropriate things on Facebook I get concerned. So, I just dont know what to do. If I left school now, I'd have to get a job, which automatically makes it very unlikely that I'll come back and finish. It also means that IF I get a job it will be doing crappy work for crappy pay.

Well, my choice is pretty clear, I'm gonna stay. But, I have to find a way to deal with this stress, and to just ignore the dramafest at home.

Looming disappointment

First off... Happy Birthday Mom, you are missed.

In that light, I am approaching my own birthday and in characteristic fashion, I am in misery. I'm not going into why, that's been covered many many times in this journal.

This is compounded by the fact that this year is my 40th birthday, and a party is being thrown together for me at the last minute, and I get my college money the day before so I want to head to Chico to get buy what I need to be ready next week, but I can't because of this stupid party. I am wondering at this point if this party is for me or everybody else.

I guess I see it like this... a celebration of ones life, thrown together at the last minute without thoughtful planning and regard, is cheap and hollow and smacks of tedious obligation rather than love and consideration. It reminds me of the miserable birthday parties of my childhood that have brought me to this place of hating the "celebration" of my birth.

I really believe that at this point in my life the best gift I could receive for my birthday is simple solitude.

New years... again.

Another year down, another to come. I have made it my personal lifetime goal to be better this year than I was last year. So, here goes with my list of achievements and failures:

1. I completed another year of school with exceptional grades
2. I bought, and own outright a Jeep.
3. I started and completed an exercise program of 50 situps a day for 50 days.
4. I completed my first major research paper.
5. I lost 20 lbs
6. I've come to terms with, and started taking better care of my hair.

failures:

1. I am still ineffectual as a father. My kids want to work things out and discover life on their own without my advice. So much for learning from the mistakes of the past.
2. I can't seem to inspire my wife to be a better person. She always thinks that I am criticizing her.
3. My social life is still a disaster. I have whittled my circle of friends down to one or two people. My arrogance and lack of patience has made it difficult to cozy up to new people. Not to mention I dont even really want to bother with friendships anymore, people are just too selfish.
4. Despite my study of stoicism, I still cannot seem to come to terms with things I cannot control. The random element confounds and frustrates me.

In summary, I think that my success has outweighed my failures; but only barely. Still, that qualifies for the purposes of my mileposts. Looking over my list I am struck by the fact that over things I can control I do well, but things I cannot control, such as other people, are counted among my failures.