I cut my hair today. I cut it short. I'm burning inside. I am fanatic in my efforts to maintain a warm and cheery exterior, but is a fraudulant fascade. I am a growling beast in my heart, full of grief, anger and rage.
They took my granddaughter... again. This child I fought so hard to protect. They have no intention of sending her home, instead she will be sent far away to a relative who doesn't know her. A person I do not know... a person that they say will love her.
They say. Evil and wicked men who kidnap children for their amusement. I am to trust them?
I cannot deal with this grief. I see children, I hear others talk about their grandchildren, and I seethe.
I have been told many many times that God will not burden us with a sorrow that we cannot bear.
It is a lie. A filthy lie.
My grandmother saw each one of her three children murdered at the hands of the Turks. She was forced to walk in the desert with no food, no water, no comfort, at the point of a bayonet. Yet, she survived to bear this burden the rest of her life, this grief and pain of murdered children, with no justice or explanation. She was the victim of social engineering.
My grandfather on my mother's side was a murderer at age thirteen. He stabbed a social worker with the Bureau of Indian affairs on their family ranch in Oklahoma. This man was sent to collect the half-breed Indian children for reeducation camps. He died, and my family fled in the night leaving everything behind. They suffered, with no justice or explanation, victims of social engineering.
Here I am, their progeny, and also a victim of social engineering. Social workers took my granddaughter and grandson from my daughter because she had a past with drug abuse, and because she was associating with someone they did not approve of. Despite the fact that for the vast majority of their lives these children lived, were loved by, nourished, educated, and provided for, by me and my house. Now, they are gone and we have no rights to see them because grandparents have no parental rights in this state. We suffer, our children suffer, because we are victims of social engineering.
But, I do not blame them. They are evil men, and evil does what it will, it always has and always will.
I blame God.... He who promises us that we will be tested but will not suffer beyond what we can bear, and we will be glorified in the end like Job.
My family has been given a burden that we cannot bear. There is no glory, there is no justice, there is no land of milk and honey, there is no justice for us. We are the forsaken children of God, left to the guiles of evil men.
So, here is where the rubber meets the road... I see no further reason to couple myself with a Master that would toy with his servants in such a cruel and heartless manner. Everytime I ask for anything, I am rebuked and reviled to the point where I am terrified to even pray.
Many would tell me that it is the enemy that besets me and that if I trust in God I would be protected.
I have walked the road a good, long time. I have clung to my faith in the darkest of times, praying, trusting, crying, pleading. Now my faith is broken, I have bore this heavy burden for too long. No justice ever came for my ancestors, why should I expect my fate to be any different? What good is eternal life if you live it serving a monster?
Christians would wonder why a man would raise a sacrifice to a God like Odin, or Zeus when they are clearly cruel, selfish and heartless. I guess I would wonder the same about the God of the Jews.
We are the forsaken children of God.
