A dream of calmer seas

I remember being a boy and walking alone thru the woods of Oregon. Everything seemed so green and full of life. So simple. The world was almost an innocent place. At least it was as seems thru the eyes of a lonely boy and his dog.

But, now things seem harsh and brutal in many ways. Everyone wants so much from us and will use any means to get it. It seems that base greed has clouded that innocent world.

Sometimes I wonder if we are assaulted because we are a large, normal family. Perhaps everyone envies and therefore hates us, so they seek to destroy us.

"I fight the world, and take all they can give. There are times my heart hangs low. Born to walk against the wind." Heart of Steel -- Manowar

Today on top of everything I was told that my step-dad Max is about to die. He had a major stroke and is effectively braindead. It all stemmed from a recent operation which resulted in a blood clot that made its way to his head.

I have been painfully searching my feelings on this matter. Frankly, I said goodbye to him several years ago when he was in a nursing home. It was a mutual thing. We both wanted to remember each other as we known one another. Not as a once strong man now bed ridden with illness, and his step-son now a man crying everytime I see him. But, in fullfilling both our wishes I wonder if I have done him wrong in not being there for him. Should I see him as a near corpse? The very thought fills me with dread.

Then, to top things off I see a storm brewing within the family. Old animosities might finally come to head with his passing.

This is of course on top of Child Protective Services and their continued demands on us, the now criminal case against us, the business that I can't seem to focus on, the reinjury of my shoulder, my oldest daughter continuing to act out, legions of bill collectors calling day after day, and the spectre of the repo man.

"For us, there is no Spring. Only the winds that smell fresh before the storm."
Conan the Barbarian