At this point in my life, at 38 years old, I have no idea where I am headed. I can say that with honesty. I am prepared to go on to the University. But, in truth sometimes that plan seems like a pipedream. I have a hard time seeing myself in that world... Acadamia, the scholarly pursuits. By the time I get my BA I will be 40, I'll be graduating with people half my age.
I scheme and plan to take this ship I call a family into calmer waters. I tell myself that I will finally get the career that will allow us to live comfortably, and with dignity. But, I don't know if I am being honest in my optimism or if I am just telling lies in order to look my wife in the face each day. It hurts me to realize these thoughts. But, if I wish to be moral, and seek the truth I must explore these feelings.
I really have nothing in the way of a compass these days. My father has pretty much given up on me amounting to anything. I don't have a mentor or even a friend I can trust to help me sort this mess out. I can talk with my wife, but as a husband and the cohort of this family, I cannot instill fear and doubt in her with these bouts of weakness.
Still, she knows. She has gone down this path with me before. First, it was moving to Eureka, then it was moving back here, then it was moving to Seattle and then Memphis, then it was coming back here again. A fine, loyal and noble woman forced to live like a gypsie, for what?
All I can really say for myself is that I aspire to be a better man. Sadly, for most of my life I have generally failed at this venture.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Reflections on the wind
I'm up late tonight. The howling of the wind on my bedroom window stirred a lonely spirit within me. I began thinking of my own mortality and the "legacy" I have left. I can say that taken as a whole, life is full of disappointments. Opportunities lost, harsh regretful words said in anger to loved ones, portents of ill things ignored. All these things can only be seen in hindsight, in the present they are witnessed with foolish eyes. Still when I look at my life as viewed from one who lives in the moment I see that things are not so bad. In fact, I am quite blessed.
What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Shall it be a rushed affair with little to say? Or do you want a day long ordeal filled with much lamentation and regret? I say for myself I don't really care, I won't be there anyway. I am no great man, I have no wealth or legacy to leave behind. I have not impacted peoples lives in any positive way. I would even venture to guess that my passing would be a relief to some.
Perhaps what I will leave behind is this journal. Though I am quite sure that like me, it too will pass away. But, it remains here in this lonely, dust covered corner of the internet as a means for my loved ones to at least have a chance to understand me. You see, I did not write my ramblings down here for them to read, or as an extension of my vanity for the world to read. No, it is here simply for me. It is the sanctuary I come to in order to make sense of the demons that plague me.
What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Shall it be a rushed affair with little to say? Or do you want a day long ordeal filled with much lamentation and regret? I say for myself I don't really care, I won't be there anyway. I am no great man, I have no wealth or legacy to leave behind. I have not impacted peoples lives in any positive way. I would even venture to guess that my passing would be a relief to some.
Perhaps what I will leave behind is this journal. Though I am quite sure that like me, it too will pass away. But, it remains here in this lonely, dust covered corner of the internet as a means for my loved ones to at least have a chance to understand me. You see, I did not write my ramblings down here for them to read, or as an extension of my vanity for the world to read. No, it is here simply for me. It is the sanctuary I come to in order to make sense of the demons that plague me.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The dream that destroyed us all
So, yesterday I took my lady out to the movies for Valentines day. We had planned to go to the city, but the snowstorm kept us local. Anyway, We had a nice dinner and watched two movies, Taken and Slumdog Millionaire. Taken was a decent movie. It played on our fear of other countries. Slumdog Millionaire was an excellent movie, if you like human dramas. However, there was on thing about the movie that was very disturbing to me, the ending.
Slumdog Millionaire was the first movie I had seen from Bollywood, that being the movie companies producing films in India. My impression of the general theme of the film was that of a boy that overcomes extreme hardship, works hard and shows initiative and savy as a businessman, then eventually gets a chance to obtain fantaatic wealth, thereby freeing him from the cycle of poverty. Sounds a bit like the American Dream doesn't it?
Let me tell you what I think of the American Dream. It is in its essence freedom through hard work and the eventual aquisition of wealth. Sounds great, but if you consider a population such as that in the United States all vying for the same resources to get rich, then you have a problem. What happens when the resources become scarce and the ability to chase that dream becomes non-existent? Basically you see what we have going on in the world now.
Now, lets transplant that dream into a country of over a billion people who live mostly in grinding poverty. The scene at the end of the movie makes you understand that India loves and admires western culture. Theme of the movie imples that they also love and admire the American Dream.
Let me say clearly now that this dream, this way of life, will destroy this world. Not in the Death Star blowing up Alderaan sense, but a fundamental change in climate that will inhibit our ability as people to sustain our way of life and our population. This will happen in our lifetimes and will serve as trying, painful times for our children and grandchildren.
This is the price of our greed.
Slumdog Millionaire was the first movie I had seen from Bollywood, that being the movie companies producing films in India. My impression of the general theme of the film was that of a boy that overcomes extreme hardship, works hard and shows initiative and savy as a businessman, then eventually gets a chance to obtain fantaatic wealth, thereby freeing him from the cycle of poverty. Sounds a bit like the American Dream doesn't it?
Let me tell you what I think of the American Dream. It is in its essence freedom through hard work and the eventual aquisition of wealth. Sounds great, but if you consider a population such as that in the United States all vying for the same resources to get rich, then you have a problem. What happens when the resources become scarce and the ability to chase that dream becomes non-existent? Basically you see what we have going on in the world now.
Now, lets transplant that dream into a country of over a billion people who live mostly in grinding poverty. The scene at the end of the movie makes you understand that India loves and admires western culture. Theme of the movie imples that they also love and admire the American Dream.
Let me say clearly now that this dream, this way of life, will destroy this world. Not in the Death Star blowing up Alderaan sense, but a fundamental change in climate that will inhibit our ability as people to sustain our way of life and our population. This will happen in our lifetimes and will serve as trying, painful times for our children and grandchildren.
This is the price of our greed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)