I don't think that anyone really knows how low I am in my heart. There is really no one to talk to about it. I get the same bullshit from everyone about being patient and hopeful. My patience is long gone and I dare not hope anymore. There are no blessings left for us in heaven, and we are lost and forsaken. All my life I have been an orphan to the world with no where to call my own. Now as I strive to reach for the dream I have always held I am scorned and laughed at. Like swinging at a pinata and the joke is on me. How dare I desire such a thing as a home of my own. I think God in heaven is having the greatest laugh of all.
I am so cold and tired. My mind is numb and blank all the time like I'm punch drunk. My faith is shattered. I have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. Like a lost man in the desert. Thirsty and alone. I struggle to climb a dune hoping for an oasis on the other side. Yet, when I get to the top I see nothing but another dune and more desert. Then you wonder if your time would be better spent cursing God as you wait to die.
The principalities and powers of this world have won. I am no Job. My faith was not strong enough to survive this test. God has left me to wither on the vine. I don't know what to do anymore.
