The following was written while sitting in the San Francisco International Airport waiting for my cousin to fly in from France. It is from the deepest parts of my spirit.
L'historia pt I 08-27-15
My mother was a broken soul. born into a callous family that did not want her. Her own mother died without imparting love and compassion to her. She was incapable of love. The bottle was her only friend.
She was cruelly betrayed early in her marriage. Fear of rejection became realized, her grasp of love proved fleeting. She sought what she needed in the arms of others, many times. Only to always return to the face of rejection and misery. The bottle remains her true and faithful companion.
In her search, she bore many children. Their faces continually reminded her of the failed quest. She could not love the for she did not know love. She did not truly believe in it.
In one of her misadventures, I was brought into this world. I was a ripe seed laid on infertile ground. I craved love, I craved security, I craved acceptance. But, it was never to be given. Moving from place to place, dragging her baggage.
Our family rejected me. I did not look like them, I did not think like them, I did not act like them. I was like a scar, and reminder of a wound. They sensed in me the predator, and wolf among sheep.
In my eleventh year, She came to me. I saw her face upon the hillside, burning like an angry brand. She spoke to me, but I could not hear her words. My heart was filled with great loathing and fear for the message and gift she brought me.
I had been raised in the Temple of Terrified Smiles, and not ready for the glory that she brought me. I was not ready for my birthright.
On a summers day I walked alone through the forest. It was my only true home, where I felt safe from her friend the bottle. The glory came upon me, and I laid down in the grass. Soon, I was running like the wind on four legs. Dark green leaves hit me in the face. I was free!!! Words cannot describe the enormity of the passion, so I will not even try. Suffice to say it was as if I was dead before, and now come to life. I wanted to run forever.
Then, they saw me. How could others see me in my dream? They called to me, they mocked me. I heard their voices, and saw their faces. I was reminded what I used to be. I was naked before them. I was afraid. Afraid, afraid, afraid!!! What could they do to me? What would they think of me? I had this glorious gift, from a terrifying burning lady, and now I was ashamed of it. Fear and shame made me hide back in the forest. In time, I woke up and cried.
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