I haven't been much in the mood for writing lately. The loss of hope is a dark and dire place and that is where I am about at. This weekend is Forgiveness Sunday and the start of Great Lent. But, I don't feel much like sacrificing myself through fasting. I think I am at the lowest level I've been since I left Mordor.

My wife's Mom finally sold her house and I leave for Florida next week to help her move here. It'll be good to have her around to help out with the bills, and the kids. But, I'm kinda dreading the tension that may move in as well. I like her Mom but she has a way of being inconsiderate of others feelings. I suspect I'll spend more time in my room then I do now.

A side effect of Donna's mom coming here is of course the elimination of our plans to move back home. My wife is plenty happy about that I'm sure. However, I am finding myself deeply sad that we are not returning. My wife accused me of such a feeling early on and I denied it. Now, it seems she was right. I wasted 8 years of my life living in Mordor. Now, it seems I'll waste more of my life living in a place that I don't want to be in. Who says we are all free people? I am not.

Adding to my grief over the current state of affairs I had a very disturbing conversation with my Father's girlfriend this afternoon. I made my usual weekly call to him and she answered the cell phone. She told me that she had the phone because she was expecting an important call. She said, and I quote "Your father and I are visiting our son"... Huh? What? er? I had to concentrate and decide if what I heard was a mistake or not. Their Son? My Dad's current girlfriend moved in with him within the past few years. However, when I was just a baby my Mom divorced my Dad because she suspected that he had an affair with her. Now, if my ears don't deceive me, they have a child together... My brother!?!?! I'm 33 frickin years old!!! I suddenly find I have a sibling. This can't be possible!! Could my Dad have kept this secret from me all these years? Do my Sisters know? Did my Mom know? Does he have the same name as me? Both my Dad and his girlfriend were in Mordor when I called. Does that mean my "brother" lives in Mordor? How long has he lived there? Does he know about me? Was he there when I was? Did he hear me on the radio? This is maddening!!!! I pray to God it is a horrible mistake. The worst part is that if I ask my Dad and he says yes then I have to confront years of living a lie. If he says no then I have to ask myself "is he lying?". My Dad is no stranger to telling lies. He has taken great steps, for reasons unbeknownst to me, to hide his past from me. What do I do? I am numb with agony.