At this point in my life, at 38 years old, I have no idea where I am headed. I can say that with honesty. I am prepared to go on to the University. But, in truth sometimes that plan seems like a pipedream. I have a hard time seeing myself in that world... Acadamia, the scholarly pursuits. By the time I get my BA I will be 40, I'll be graduating with people half my age.
I scheme and plan to take this ship I call a family into calmer waters. I tell myself that I will finally get the career that will allow us to live comfortably, and with dignity. But, I don't know if I am being honest in my optimism or if I am just telling lies in order to look my wife in the face each day. It hurts me to realize these thoughts. But, if I wish to be moral, and seek the truth I must explore these feelings.
I really have nothing in the way of a compass these days. My father has pretty much given up on me amounting to anything. I don't have a mentor or even a friend I can trust to help me sort this mess out. I can talk with my wife, but as a husband and the cohort of this family, I cannot instill fear and doubt in her with these bouts of weakness.
Still, she knows. She has gone down this path with me before. First, it was moving to Eureka, then it was moving back here, then it was moving to Seattle and then Memphis, then it was coming back here again. A fine, loyal and noble woman forced to live like a gypsie, for what?
All I can really say for myself is that I aspire to be a better man. Sadly, for most of my life I have generally failed at this venture.
