Well, I survived another birthday.
What more is there to say? I guess I could add that I tried real hard not to get melancholy again this year. Sadly, I did not succeed.
As a kid growing up my birthday was always a major disappointment. I rarely(if ever)got anything nice on that day. Instead, I mostly got a guilt trip laid on me from my mother, who was usually upset that my dad didn't get something nice for her birthday the week before. I ended up being the scape goat for my mothers frustration.
On top of that. Honestly, I didn't feel like I was really wanted as a child. I was made to feel like I was a mistake and that my mother and father were just putting up with me as opposed to raising me. I imagine that when my mother found out that she as pregnant with me she cried because of having to bear the burden of another child so late in her life. The pain in these thoughts are a bit too much for me to contemplate at the moment.
I feel bad mostly for my family here. They try hard to please me on my birthday. This year they went out and got me a Chinese food dinner and my youngest daughter baked me a very nice cake. I think that when they see me get sad by their efforts they believe that they have somehow disappointed me. That can't be farther from the truth, the fact is really that I don't feel worthy of their affection.
